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for The Apartment

12/2/2005 c1 Lili
First of all, I'd like to say that your story really interests me. It's well written and draws you in, but i have a BUNCH of constructive criticims. I'm not pretending to know your story better than you do or say that I'm some great writer in any way, your dialogue flows nicely, it's very lively and natural, but there are some things that I think you could consider if you're into re-writing it. This is just my opinion though, so don't jump on me! (oh yeah, and this is just for the first chapter :)

This sentence here: Impatiently looking at me, he then commented, "Come on, slowpoke.  Let us go!" doesn't sound right.. 'impatiently looking at me' could probably be better worded as 'looking at me impatiently' just because of the entire flow of the sentence, and commented probably isn't right verb in this situation- maybe "'Come on, slowpoke, let's go!' He urged me, looking impatiently over his shoulder." I wanted to desperately see sounds like the narrator wanted to see her house in a desperate way, as in, in a happy way (i wanted to happily see my house?) i dont really know how to explain it, but when really you mean (i think) that she wanted to see her house desperately. So probably better worded as:I wanted desperately to see.In my opinion, you use too many big words. Some ideas can be conveyed best with simple words, not huge ones. Also, try to avoid using 'ing's' as often as possible.. for example, 'with each step i was taking becoming wobblier than the one before' that could be rephrased to flow better.Also, here: 'Immediately thereafter, I opened my eyes and bolted out of bed.':  That gives the impression of the narrator having something brush her face and then waiting a little and then bolting out of bed. getting rid of the 'immediately thereafter' will solve that problem. for some reason it just doesn't sound right. And whats with the putting adjectives before nouns, always? That works in different languages, but I think in English nouns before adjectives sounds better :)Again, please don't think that because I have so many suggestions that I dislike your story- I think its incredibly interesting and good :) I just felt the need to point out things that could make it better (in my opinion) So no worries, right?
10/8/2005 c1 Hoobmelon
prety good stry like it alot gonna Hav tocoome back mor offen
10/8/2005 c1 Piggly Poo
Uh,...well, I don't qwite no how to say this but im sycic and i no that there are spirits outthere cause i can sense em all over the place and when i read yer story-man i cud feel them spirits and hear'em talking an everthin

keep on writing
3/21/2005 c4 Sunsetfire
Okay...as much as you were freaking out...This chapter had a nice ending... She obviously loved her brother very much. *smiles sadly*
3/21/2005 c2 SunsetFire
This is not an insult but now this is creepy. lol A creepy story though with extreme emotion...I did not see Dean dying and I'm sad to see him go... *sighs* Life's so cruel...

I probably shouldn't be reading this before bed...But stories are just stories (though great ones) they can't hurt you and I will continue reading!

3/21/2005 c1 10Kathryn Paris
oh! woa! I very much like so far, Pam..

what do I like?

I'm not very good at giving reviews so I'll try my best..

I loved how you began the story in detail, I believe I need to work on detail to some extent lol

I also love the relationship between the three siblings, being seperated that is no doubt very hard..I've never been so...I wouldn't know. I like Andy the most for some reason He seems like a real great brother and a person in general. :LIke most people I tend to form...attachments to some characters.

Also..I get Lynn's sick but..why I'm wondering hm. for some reason I think pregnancy. (maybe because my sixteen year old cousin, I just found out, is) So nevermind me on that.

I also loved how you described what was happening around her, the veil and her sickness adds to the tension. Very nicely done. Bravo!

You get a BIG cookie for that! *smiles* And I mean that in the happy serious sense..not sarcastic.

Oh, call me Neko-chan!

1/9/2005 c4 1Madcow13
This story obviously has a good plot going which makes me want to find out more- now! However, it is moving extremmly fast so unless you have a very big plot I'm guessing it isn't going to be novel length. However this doesn't really matter as it is well written. Well, don't keep us all hanging, update as quick as you can!
12/3/2004 c3 mairi
please continue past chapter 4. once you have got more ideas.
12/3/2004 c4 mairi
very interesting story. pulled me right into it. ever had that feeling?
7/16/2004 c4 Roanna Luna
Z-san, all this was real? It wasn't all that scary. Maybe because there're three people talking around me, so I'm not scared.
4/6/2004 c4 2Rusalka
This is an amazing story so far. Honestly. It seemed to go a bit fast, but the words you used to describe what Lynn felt were very effective. You did a good job, I was beginning to get a bit scared myself:)
12/1/2003 c4 2RuneBladerX327
DEAN! So it must be him! WOW! This school really is breath-taking! I wonder what's his tell of how he resumed as a ghost or poltergeist in some cases. There are so many mysterious with a story, that's what keeps the reader going and going. I absolute am dying to find what's next! Your writing is in perfection and imaginative as usual. Keep it up! Btw, where'd you get an idea for 3 children who've just been reunited, and then One of them dies, and turns into a ghost? That's something you don't see everyday, that's something that's called ORIGINAL! well, cyas around!
12/1/2003 c3 RuneBladerX327
Very well done! I wish there was more information to understand it a bit more but I know it'll appear within the next chapters, or inference will be the key. I truly admire the perspective the story is looking from this view, and can't wait for them. Who really is the evil woman, and the curly-brown haired maybe it's someone we've meet already, or something later on. Why is Lynn been amply to see ghost, and feel the cold shiver than anyone else? This some question that will be answered within the story. Keep up the great work!
12/1/2003 c2 RuneBladerX327
IS THAT DEAN! or the ghost! that voice Lynn heard! This are so many flaws within the story, I haven't had time to review, so I'l try to make this fast. The plot is developing nicely, so far, and it's awfully not fair that Dean has to die...unless that voice is Dean's last wishes or his form as a ghost. I love this story so far, it's feel like I'm within the story, witness the eerieness of such writing. Until next time...
12/1/2003 c1 RuneBladerX327
WOW! It's very original story, and setting! Is the apartment $450 for rent because of the ghost? I really can't wait to find out... reading this has given me hugh suspense, and I wouuld really like to know about more the character, and there reunion. Going to read more...
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