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for I Fail

9/23/2003 c1 90SweetGrape
Wow- very strong and teary.

Just seems to be trudging miserably through life!

'with false laughter, I cry'- great contrast within the line!

'tainted hands' is a bit vague- I don't quite see it.

The last stanza is just a heart-thudder, cos you've jsut been through 2 upset, tear-stained stanza and you end very sharply.
9/23/2003 c1 21Miamouse
I know how you feel, when I first started trying to write free poetry, I was very insecure about it. But you discover that without the constrictions of form, you can say a lot more, in very different ways.

This is a good start... 'tainted' is a bit of a cliche... try to experiment with words and phrases that you think very few people have thought of before.

You've got the idea that the beginning an ending should make a statement, you just need to develop this a little more.

9/23/2003 c1 Jam
God, my sides are splitting, that was so funny. Have you considered stand-up? How about:

'I was round at my mates, talking, as you do. Her mum read some of my poetry and she kicked the bucket!'


Wait. What do you mean it's supposed to be serious?

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