for Untitled Document4/23/2006 c11 Heather Layne
Very interesting story. You've sparked off a few ideas for me. I liked the definitions at the beginnings of the chapters, and how the bagel shop story intersected with the asylum story. It took a few chapters to get going, but overall it was quite well done.
-Heather Layne
Very interesting story. You've sparked off a few ideas for me. I liked the definitions at the beginnings of the chapters, and how the bagel shop story intersected with the asylum story. It took a few chapters to get going, but overall it was quite well done.
-Heather Layne
11/14/2003 c1 
7Lee Harvey Kennedy
Well, you said that you were going to completely re-write this story, so I'm going through the entire thing, reviewing as I read. Since I really like this story, several of my comments may be minor gripes, bitches, and using way too fine of a comb, but it's everything that strikes me in my hypercritical state of mind right now.
Notes:
The whole author's note thing, while entertaining, seems to stretch on for too long.
"Go me." interrupts the rest of the notes in my eyes, it seems to take a break from the bored intellectual stance and turn towards a 13 year old girl.
Chapter One:
"Outside there is life and wonder and merriment." The other sentences before this had a comma before 'outside'. Also, could these three sentences be combined into one?
Speaking of sentences, this story's formatting makes it look like a bunch of disjointed sentences. Possibly some longer paragraphs by combining several shorter paragraphs?
"Plexiglas," is that spelled correctly? And should it be capitalized?
To prove an earlier point, the sentences about Jonah could all be combined into one paragraph, as they're all on the same idea.
Chapter Two:
"Grunge Movement" doesn't really need to be capitalized.
Chapter Three:
"clinging to this poor mailman like he were Jesus Christ" is weirdly worded. It might be better if it was "like he was Jesus Christ" or "as if he were Jesus Christ."
Do "unconciditonal-love" and "unconditional-faith" need to be hyphenated?
This chapter seems very closely related to the last; perhaps combine them into one?
Chapter Four:
Does "orange-juice" need to be hyphenated, as well?
"Maurice is something like Tobit." Not a lot of people may know of Tobit; perhaps Job would be a comparison more people could relate to?
The stuff about the seventh octave of the fourth dimension is kind of vague; did you come up with this, or find it somewhere? Perhaps a bit more explanation about it might help, but it's not totally necessary if it's just the ramblings of an insane man.
Chapter Five:
"The deli is restaurant," missing an 'a' in there.
"They are Jennifer Jamison and Vincent Callitri, respectively." Hmm, Jenna Jamison is a well-known porn star. Was this your intent? It makes me wonder if you came up with Vincent Callitri's name, or if you borrowed it from another porn star, though.
When I first read this chapter, I was confused. I didn't know who Jennifer or Vincent were or how they would fit into the story. Now that I know what they do later on, I know why they're here, but the chapter seems to go nowehere. They walk into a deli, order food, and it ends. There's nothing to hint at why they're there or what they're going to try to accomplish. Maybe a small conversation between them would help.
Chapter Six:
"sixteen years-old," I believe 'year-old' would be hyphenated. 'Years old' is not.
Chapter Seven:
Okay, perhaps I missed this chapter earlier, but I see now the reasoning behind Jennifer's name. Still, it might be better if this chapter would be added to the end of the previous chapter involving these two, to prevent any puzzlement about the purpose of the previous chapter. Though I understand more about them now, their first chapter is still a bit of a passable chapter.
Chapter Eight:
"Two-thirty, and my devoted fan comes dashing in." Just a logistical thing, but you mentioned that his fan was five minutes late. Assuming no large periods of time passed without notation, that measn the interview was scheduled for 2:25. That seems like an odd time. If the interview was at 2:30 and David says it's 2:35, that would be more realistic.
Chapter Nine:
"Vincent and Jennifer left some time ago. It was around seven, I think." Four and a half hours for an interview? Maybe you could add that they played games of checkers, you did mention a checkers set earlier.
"I hope that my Goddess Allison and I will have that coffee sometime." Is this a subtle bit of foreshadowing?
"I can hear noises outside, rustling sounds." Perhaps a semicolon here instead?
Chapter Ten:
"somehow I was expecting something a bit more.Subtle." Perhaps ellipses here?
"I am quick on my fit," do you mean 'feet'?
Chapter Eleven:
"Cyan looks ill and pure," I like the juxtaposition here, but how can something ill still be pure? Just a thought.
As a writer, I enjoyed this chapter. Strangely, I often wonder how my characters feel. With that said, I get the sense that this chapter is much like the one that introduced Jennifer and Vincent; it does nothing but show characters before they do things a few chapters down the line. Much like my advice for Jen and Vince, add something to this chapter for the characters to do. It's a wonderful idea that needs to be developed further.
Chapter Twelve:
"the discovery of Cruzton." How could they discover a city that they founded? Perhaps 'founding of Cruzton' would be a better way to state this.
"a dilapidated old blue thing with wheels," the same dilapidated old blue thing with wheels that David escaped in? Maybe 'the dilapidated. . .' would be better.
"complimentary bible," 'Bible' should be capitalized. Same later on with "entire bible."
Well, with all this said, I still have to say that this is a fantastic story. You need to work a bit on hyphens, investigate some possible uses of colons and semicolons in earlier chapters, and a little bit on small transitive words whose difference mean nothing to non-literate people, like when to use 'a' instead of 'the.' However, you have several great ideas, your characters are all unique and lively, and at times, your words border on poetry. Great job, and I hope you can rework this story to your liking soon.
7Lee Harvey KennedyWell, you said that you were going to completely re-write this story, so I'm going through the entire thing, reviewing as I read. Since I really like this story, several of my comments may be minor gripes, bitches, and using way too fine of a comb, but it's everything that strikes me in my hypercritical state of mind right now.
Notes:
The whole author's note thing, while entertaining, seems to stretch on for too long.
"Go me." interrupts the rest of the notes in my eyes, it seems to take a break from the bored intellectual stance and turn towards a 13 year old girl.
Chapter One:
"Outside there is life and wonder and merriment." The other sentences before this had a comma before 'outside'. Also, could these three sentences be combined into one?
Speaking of sentences, this story's formatting makes it look like a bunch of disjointed sentences. Possibly some longer paragraphs by combining several shorter paragraphs?
"Plexiglas," is that spelled correctly? And should it be capitalized?
To prove an earlier point, the sentences about Jonah could all be combined into one paragraph, as they're all on the same idea.
Chapter Two:
"Grunge Movement" doesn't really need to be capitalized.
Chapter Three:
"clinging to this poor mailman like he were Jesus Christ" is weirdly worded. It might be better if it was "like he was Jesus Christ" or "as if he were Jesus Christ."
Do "unconciditonal-love" and "unconditional-faith" need to be hyphenated?
This chapter seems very closely related to the last; perhaps combine them into one?
Chapter Four:
Does "orange-juice" need to be hyphenated, as well?
"Maurice is something like Tobit." Not a lot of people may know of Tobit; perhaps Job would be a comparison more people could relate to?
The stuff about the seventh octave of the fourth dimension is kind of vague; did you come up with this, or find it somewhere? Perhaps a bit more explanation about it might help, but it's not totally necessary if it's just the ramblings of an insane man.
Chapter Five:
"The deli is restaurant," missing an 'a' in there.
"They are Jennifer Jamison and Vincent Callitri, respectively." Hmm, Jenna Jamison is a well-known porn star. Was this your intent? It makes me wonder if you came up with Vincent Callitri's name, or if you borrowed it from another porn star, though.
When I first read this chapter, I was confused. I didn't know who Jennifer or Vincent were or how they would fit into the story. Now that I know what they do later on, I know why they're here, but the chapter seems to go nowehere. They walk into a deli, order food, and it ends. There's nothing to hint at why they're there or what they're going to try to accomplish. Maybe a small conversation between them would help.
Chapter Six:
"sixteen years-old," I believe 'year-old' would be hyphenated. 'Years old' is not.
Chapter Seven:
Okay, perhaps I missed this chapter earlier, but I see now the reasoning behind Jennifer's name. Still, it might be better if this chapter would be added to the end of the previous chapter involving these two, to prevent any puzzlement about the purpose of the previous chapter. Though I understand more about them now, their first chapter is still a bit of a passable chapter.
Chapter Eight:
"Two-thirty, and my devoted fan comes dashing in." Just a logistical thing, but you mentioned that his fan was five minutes late. Assuming no large periods of time passed without notation, that measn the interview was scheduled for 2:25. That seems like an odd time. If the interview was at 2:30 and David says it's 2:35, that would be more realistic.
Chapter Nine:
"Vincent and Jennifer left some time ago. It was around seven, I think." Four and a half hours for an interview? Maybe you could add that they played games of checkers, you did mention a checkers set earlier.
"I hope that my Goddess Allison and I will have that coffee sometime." Is this a subtle bit of foreshadowing?
"I can hear noises outside, rustling sounds." Perhaps a semicolon here instead?
Chapter Ten:
"somehow I was expecting something a bit more.Subtle." Perhaps ellipses here?
"I am quick on my fit," do you mean 'feet'?
Chapter Eleven:
"Cyan looks ill and pure," I like the juxtaposition here, but how can something ill still be pure? Just a thought.
As a writer, I enjoyed this chapter. Strangely, I often wonder how my characters feel. With that said, I get the sense that this chapter is much like the one that introduced Jennifer and Vincent; it does nothing but show characters before they do things a few chapters down the line. Much like my advice for Jen and Vince, add something to this chapter for the characters to do. It's a wonderful idea that needs to be developed further.
Chapter Twelve:
"the discovery of Cruzton." How could they discover a city that they founded? Perhaps 'founding of Cruzton' would be a better way to state this.
"a dilapidated old blue thing with wheels," the same dilapidated old blue thing with wheels that David escaped in? Maybe 'the dilapidated. . .' would be better.
"complimentary bible," 'Bible' should be capitalized. Same later on with "entire bible."
Well, with all this said, I still have to say that this is a fantastic story. You need to work a bit on hyphens, investigate some possible uses of colons and semicolons in earlier chapters, and a little bit on small transitive words whose difference mean nothing to non-literate people, like when to use 'a' instead of 'the.' However, you have several great ideas, your characters are all unique and lively, and at times, your words border on poetry. Great job, and I hope you can rework this story to your liking soon.
11/6/2003 c13 Lee Harvey Kennedy
I just discovered that you'd revised chapter twelve, so I thought I'd take a peek on in. I still like this story, the characters are all so unique. David is so . . . Je ne sais quoi, but you can't help but love the guy. Hopefully, you'll update this soon.
I just discovered that you'd revised chapter twelve, so I thought I'd take a peek on in. I still like this story, the characters are all so unique. David is so . . . Je ne sais quoi, but you can't help but love the guy. Hopefully, you'll update this soon.
10/3/2003 c11 7Lee Harvey Kennedy
Ah, lovely. Once again, it's been a pleasure to get inside David's mind.
I'm getting the strange sense that David's newfound freedom is signalling the end of this book. Hopefully, you'll prove me wrong soon.
7Lee Harvey KennedyAh, lovely. Once again, it's been a pleasure to get inside David's mind.
I'm getting the strange sense that David's newfound freedom is signalling the end of this book. Hopefully, you'll prove me wrong soon.
10/1/2003 c8 Alexia S. Luclwit
This is cool, it is like seeing a friend and I, we have this oak tree, and I live up in its branches in the summer.
We drew on this tree, with crayons, made murals, it was so pretty.
Lightning hit the tree.
*sigh* Life truly is one tragedy after another.
This is cool, it is like seeing a friend and I, we have this oak tree, and I live up in its branches in the summer.
We drew on this tree, with crayons, made murals, it was so pretty.
Lightning hit the tree.
*sigh* Life truly is one tragedy after another.
10/1/2003 c7 Alexia S. Luclwit
Wow.
I love the characters, I love David, I'll love his realation to Hitler, oh but give me a pen...
I have shunned teachers by the use of a pen, I have gotten a person fired by use of a pen, I have created worlds by the use of a pen.
I truly think all writers are insane. But in a good way.
*grins and jabs at next chapter button wondering why it will not hurry*
Wow.
I love the characters, I love David, I'll love his realation to Hitler, oh but give me a pen...
I have shunned teachers by the use of a pen, I have gotten a person fired by use of a pen, I have created worlds by the use of a pen.
I truly think all writers are insane. But in a good way.
*grins and jabs at next chapter button wondering why it will not hurry*
9/29/2003 c7 7Lee Harvey Kennedy
Once again, I come here with admiration for your work. David is a fun character to read as he's very honest with everything about him, even acknowledging that his religion is fragile.
I especially liked the bit in chapter six when he talks about how his character hates him for creating him into a world of pain and misery. That's a scary question for writers to ask themselves; what would my characters say to me if they had the chance?
One thing that confused me was chapter six. I liked the intro and the new characters (Jennifer Jamison? You sly dog!), but I don't see what relevance they have to the rest of the story. However, I understand that you probably have a reason for them being there. I just hope that you give it to us soon, because I'm sitting here trying to figure out what these two are doing for the rest of the story.
Some confusion aside, I'm looking forward to your next updates. Keep up the good work!
7Lee Harvey KennedyOnce again, I come here with admiration for your work. David is a fun character to read as he's very honest with everything about him, even acknowledging that his religion is fragile.
I especially liked the bit in chapter six when he talks about how his character hates him for creating him into a world of pain and misery. That's a scary question for writers to ask themselves; what would my characters say to me if they had the chance?
One thing that confused me was chapter six. I liked the intro and the new characters (Jennifer Jamison? You sly dog!), but I don't see what relevance they have to the rest of the story. However, I understand that you probably have a reason for them being there. I just hope that you give it to us soon, because I'm sitting here trying to figure out what these two are doing for the rest of the story.
Some confusion aside, I'm looking forward to your next updates. Keep up the good work!
9/26/2003 c4 3Alexia S. Luclwit
*claps*
AWESOMENESS!
I added you to my alert list...only three others are in it...*grin*
3Alexia S. Luclwit*claps*
AWESOMENESS!
I added you to my alert list...only three others are in it...*grin*
9/26/2003 c4 7Lee Harvey Kennedy
Very intriguing world you've created here. I like the idea of a crazy man writing his autobiography from a mental hospital, especially when he's only twenty-three. David has a very lovable quality to him, and I'm genuinely interested in his own little world. Especially his own little religion; I hope you'll be expanding upon that in the near future.
You have a great style with this work, and a great character to work with. As simple as it was, I loved hearing him call Dr. Williams 'Satan' in his head. I honestly look forward to reading more of this.
7Lee Harvey KennedyVery intriguing world you've created here. I like the idea of a crazy man writing his autobiography from a mental hospital, especially when he's only twenty-three. David has a very lovable quality to him, and I'm genuinely interested in his own little world. Especially his own little religion; I hope you'll be expanding upon that in the near future.
You have a great style with this work, and a great character to work with. As simple as it was, I loved hearing him call Dr. Williams 'Satan' in his head. I honestly look forward to reading more of this.
9/24/2003 c3 3Alexia S. Luclwit
I think this is absolutly awesome. This, is better than a lot of published stuff i have read, you so have to keep writing or, or, or, I'll like die cause this is cool!
3Alexia S. LuclwitI think this is absolutly awesome. This, is better than a lot of published stuff i have read, you so have to keep writing or, or, or, I'll like die cause this is cool!
9/24/2003 c2 Alexia S. Luclwit
This, is REALLY good, I love your style so much, it is like reading the writing of a professional. But no time for this, I have to read the next chapter!
This, is REALLY good, I love your style so much, it is like reading the writing of a professional. But no time for this, I have to read the next chapter!