Just In
for The Barrier

5/23/2004 c1 26pneumothorax
That's lovely. Last line? I liked it altough it seemed a bit cliche, the part I liked about it was that there seemed to be hope for them because it says that they stepped out the other side. It's an interesting idea but the president thing seemed a bit out of place - although I suppose it would happen if there were only 600 people left. The only thing is that if there were really only 600 people left, then I don't think the president and first lady would have as much respect as shown in your piece because they'd just be like normal people, really. Great, interesting read :) (r&r back?)
1/12/2004 c1 40Jareth the Monk
Well now, since you were good enough to actually read something of mine (a friend got me set up on this site, so this is all new to me), here goes. The concept of the barrier is intriguing and raises some questions: 1) Is it man-made, a product of extraterrestrial construction, or strictly a natural phenomenon which we have yet to encounter in our experience? 2)Does the story attempt to illustrate our modern-day penchant for security and privacy taken to an extreme (for example, as a young 'un, we kids congregated together after school to play football, ride bikes, or other things as a group activity. Now, many kids end up in their rooms playing video games, often alone.)? 3)And finally, is it truly certain death to breach the barrier? We have no certainty that it is. But maybe a second chapter would reveal some answers, no?
A good movie for you to see with a similar theme (people who are executed based on age, rather than a leader's whim or a lottery), is "Logan's Run". It was a movie in the mid-seventies that was turned into a popular TV show.
Overall this could be a good beginning to a longer story. Only quibble (and this is a miniscule one): in the first paragraph the word "cause" may have been meant to be "caused". Oh, and another thing: when Elizabeth puts the note on the fridge, we must assume that the president and first lady will likely see the note soon after waking up or getting home or whatever, because they will be hungry and want to raid the larder. But the fridge shouldn't work because there's no electric. A possible plot hole that could be easily explained by mentioning that there are still some portable generators in use. Whew, it's too late at night (1 a.m.) for me to think too hard. Have a heart for a poor psycaedelic psychotic body.
Again, well written for someone at an age that I've commonly seen has trouble keeping from bumping into door-frames head-first. Fifteen was an awkward age for me at least. More on this story soon, please?
11/28/2003 c1 Carol A. Cowett
I give it a "nummy". Yes I know. You have no idea what that means. Its my own rating words. I'd say a "nummy" is something like a 7 or 8 out of ten. It sort of made me mad that they just went through it. Its my rebellious nature I guess. It made me wonder why people just go when their told. And why isn't the president trying to save the people and stop the thing instead of just picking people to die. *rubs temples* Ahh the horrible ness of my question asking habits.
11/9/2003 c1 25Master Chief
This is moving. I mean, even with all the despair around these kids, they manage to find a kind of solemn peace in their love with each other. Really good short story. I plan on reading some of your others when i get some more time.


P.S. since u like Stackpole and Allston, could u take a look at my story, Alpha Squadron? Thanks
10/30/2003 c1 6Shinola
Powerful. I mean, man. It's a very interesting thought... It leaves me with questions; a good story sometimes does that to you. Like, where did the barrier come from, and what was on the other side? Probably everyone who reads it would wonder that, right?

It was a little hard to understand - a lot of the time I had to go back and re-read things to figure out what dialogue belonged to which character, and it was a little rushed. Indenting or breaking the paragraphs would have helped in some places...

I was wondering; Atticus. did you take that deliberately to make people think of the book 'To Kill a Mockingbird'? I'm not sure how, but it almost fits, if you did... They don't have much to do with each other. Perhaps Elizabeth is a fan of the book? Or just Atticus? *wuvs Atticus*

Anyhoo! Great story overall. I liked it a lot, I did. ^-^

I make very little sense in reviews for some reason... *peers*
10/29/2003 c1 22lucid-psyche
Wow. Some of it seemed a bit contrived ... but damn, I almost cried. ^_^ Eheh, 'scuse me, I think it's my hormones and my lack of social life that are kicking in right now.

The only thing I would say is that you either need to indent your paragraphs or put an extra space between each one. It helps break it up a little bit, and it's a little easier on the eyes.

Anyways, I liked the story - very good for a short story.

- Nicole (aka lucid-psyche)
10/15/2003 c1 No7h1ng
wow... powerful ending... i like... it's not that mushy either... my only comment - the story seemed kind of rushed at times... but other wise i liked it, you did very well with those emotions :)
10/10/2003 c1 6Athedian Feline
Hehe, this is a beautiful story. It really makes me wonder of what have happened to all those people that gone through the barrier. The overall mood is just so... mysterious and intriguing.

The only thing that I want to say to improve upon is read over the things that you are going to post before you submit them online. There are a few grammar mistakes that are pretty obvious and it'll be better if you can fix them.

Still, this story is a wonderful story. Excellent job!

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