for Wild Hunt2/7/2007 c15 
16InsanePhoenix
I loved it! I read most of Laurell K. Hamilton's sidhe series, and I have to say that I like your story better :)
16InsanePhoenixI loved it! I read most of Laurell K. Hamilton's sidhe series, and I have to say that I like your story better :)
2/2/2007 c15 6the sacred night
I think you really wrapped things up well. Especially that very last bit, with Tristan making that less than glorious entrance, calling for others' help, and it turns out a great show. It parallels the story as a whole, I think.
I also think you made some very witty remarks in this chapter. For example, "I suppose if you’re not facing them in battle the sidhe riding to war are a lovely sight. The fanciful armor, the ornate helms, the elven steeds decked out in shining tack and barding and festooned with waving plumes of varied hue or flowers. Rather like being menaced by a homicidal parade float." I actually saw numerous characters' reactions as if they'd heard the statement. It was amusing.
Overall, the plot to this story was much stronger than the other things I've read of yours, because it really had a sense of purpose, like you really knew where you were going with it. There were a lot fewer loose ends and unanswered questions, no really glaring ones, but maybe a few minor ones.
I think the story with Dwyn and Keir could have been better integrated into the main story, but first person made that hard. If you'd made a habit of switching POV from the beginning, it might've helped. Still, it was relevant enough that I wouldn't advise splitting it off.
You got much better on the whole showing vs. telling thing as you went along; it was mostly at the beginning where there were instances of just dispassionately telling us "This is this" without giving us anything in the way of showing that this is indeed this. In later chapters, you revealed what the characters thought by what they did instead of just having them say "I feel this." People just do not talk like that.
It's funny, a lot of stories on FP start out well and then get crappy as they go along because the author stopped caring. This story gets better by leaps and bounds as it goes on, not that it started out terribly, just that it got a lot better because you got more into it instead of losing interest. Or so I assume is the reason, perhaps I'm wrong.
6the sacred nightI think you really wrapped things up well. Especially that very last bit, with Tristan making that less than glorious entrance, calling for others' help, and it turns out a great show. It parallels the story as a whole, I think.
I also think you made some very witty remarks in this chapter. For example, "I suppose if you’re not facing them in battle the sidhe riding to war are a lovely sight. The fanciful armor, the ornate helms, the elven steeds decked out in shining tack and barding and festooned with waving plumes of varied hue or flowers. Rather like being menaced by a homicidal parade float." I actually saw numerous characters' reactions as if they'd heard the statement. It was amusing.
Overall, the plot to this story was much stronger than the other things I've read of yours, because it really had a sense of purpose, like you really knew where you were going with it. There were a lot fewer loose ends and unanswered questions, no really glaring ones, but maybe a few minor ones.
I think the story with Dwyn and Keir could have been better integrated into the main story, but first person made that hard. If you'd made a habit of switching POV from the beginning, it might've helped. Still, it was relevant enough that I wouldn't advise splitting it off.
You got much better on the whole showing vs. telling thing as you went along; it was mostly at the beginning where there were instances of just dispassionately telling us "This is this" without giving us anything in the way of showing that this is indeed this. In later chapters, you revealed what the characters thought by what they did instead of just having them say "I feel this." People just do not talk like that.
It's funny, a lot of stories on FP start out well and then get crappy as they go along because the author stopped caring. This story gets better by leaps and bounds as it goes on, not that it started out terribly, just that it got a lot better because you got more into it instead of losing interest. Or so I assume is the reason, perhaps I'm wrong.
2/1/2007 c13 the sacred night
Aww. It seems Dwyn no longer has such a problem with sex being "frought with significance." And it certainly didn't bother me at all that you chose to accomplish their bond that way.
Aww. It seems Dwyn no longer has such a problem with sex being "frought with significance." And it certainly didn't bother me at all that you chose to accomplish their bond that way.
2/1/2007 c11 the sacred night
Aww, this is so sweet!
This chapter contains a lot of showing instead of telling, which is good. It's exactly what I was talking about before. You still maybe spell it out a little more than you need to, but you're doing a good job overall of showing how characters feel through events and through thoughts that don't just declare "I feel this."
You have a talent for the art of the backstory. I almost wish there were prequels to your stories, because there's enough there that the 'past' would make a great story in itself, both for this story and the other one with Faun and Lin. Lots of characters have interesting backstories, too, not just the main ones, which is really nice because it helps us think of them as real people when we know they have pasts.
Aww, this is so sweet!
This chapter contains a lot of showing instead of telling, which is good. It's exactly what I was talking about before. You still maybe spell it out a little more than you need to, but you're doing a good job overall of showing how characters feel through events and through thoughts that don't just declare "I feel this."
You have a talent for the art of the backstory. I almost wish there were prequels to your stories, because there's enough there that the 'past' would make a great story in itself, both for this story and the other one with Faun and Lin. Lots of characters have interesting backstories, too, not just the main ones, which is really nice because it helps us think of them as real people when we know they have pasts.
2/1/2007 c10 the sacred night
Aww, things are going well for Dwyn and Keir. I was really pissed at Keir at the end of last chapter and ready to write him off as a villain after all, since back when we first met him, we did kind think he was a villain. Kind of childish of me to separate people into heroes and villains anyway. Still, at the end, I like Keir again. Actually, I like him a good deal more ever since he said "Light of my life, where ever did you get the idea I was of the seelie court?" I swear he was channeling Lin. Lol. And then with Lin in mind, the talk of the queen made me wonder if this is one of the queens Lin knows, but I guess this story is in a slightly different universe than that one, since some of the other things about it don't quite match up.
I'm intrigued also at how much bearing this side story will have on the main story and vice versa. Since there's this whole business about Tristan's uncle, I can tell they aren't totally seperate stories, and I guess that's why you didn't post it elsewhere, but I'm curious about why you chose the setup you did. I imagine it will become clear upon further reading.
Aww, things are going well for Dwyn and Keir. I was really pissed at Keir at the end of last chapter and ready to write him off as a villain after all, since back when we first met him, we did kind think he was a villain. Kind of childish of me to separate people into heroes and villains anyway. Still, at the end, I like Keir again. Actually, I like him a good deal more ever since he said "Light of my life, where ever did you get the idea I was of the seelie court?" I swear he was channeling Lin. Lol. And then with Lin in mind, the talk of the queen made me wonder if this is one of the queens Lin knows, but I guess this story is in a slightly different universe than that one, since some of the other things about it don't quite match up.
I'm intrigued also at how much bearing this side story will have on the main story and vice versa. Since there's this whole business about Tristan's uncle, I can tell they aren't totally seperate stories, and I guess that's why you didn't post it elsewhere, but I'm curious about why you chose the setup you did. I imagine it will become clear upon further reading.
1/31/2007 c9 the sacred night
Oh, shit. Somebody's really stepped in it this time. As always, I am in terrible suspense.
Oh, shit. Somebody's really stepped in it this time. As always, I am in terrible suspense.
1/31/2007 c7 the sacred night
Oho, Tristan stands corrected, does he? Seriously, he ought to have known. Still, you can kind of understand how he felt before. That bit was a good example of showing instead of telling- when you described how much Jin was crying and he and Oisin were trying to save Tristan when they thought he was dead, and you didn't have to come right out and say "They care a lot about Tristan." The way you did it was much more vivid, and real, and interesting. That's what I meant about the other parts. It's not even a question of whether or not you reveal something, but *how* you reveal it or avoid revealing it.
Oho, Tristan stands corrected, does he? Seriously, he ought to have known. Still, you can kind of understand how he felt before. That bit was a good example of showing instead of telling- when you described how much Jin was crying and he and Oisin were trying to save Tristan when they thought he was dead, and you didn't have to come right out and say "They care a lot about Tristan." The way you did it was much more vivid, and real, and interesting. That's what I meant about the other parts. It's not even a question of whether or not you reveal something, but *how* you reveal it or avoid revealing it.
1/31/2007 c6 the sacred night
Girl, you have a serious thing for nipple piercings.
Funny, I see how flaky Tristan is. He just saw how hard Jin and Oisin were trying to save him, and how badly upset they were when they thought he was dying, and now he thinks he's unnecessary. Fast judgment is right.
On the whole showing vs. telling question I brought up last chapter, I think you may have misunderstood me. I wasn't suggesting that you reveal everything right away. That would not be good at all. What I was referring to was the way in which you reveal it, namely just straight up telling us stuff instead of having something happen that makes us realize it on our own. Like when you had to tell me that Dwyn isn't the lyrical type and thus would be terse (which, btw, is kind of ironic since he does in fact write lyrics), you shouldn't have had to tell me that. It should have been told through the story and the things he'd said and done up to that point, which it wasn't. And staying in a character's voice isn't a reason to tell instead of show, either. If the character for whatever reason doesn't choose to tell us something, that's significant, and you the author should have a reason for holding it back or revealing it, as the case may be. Either put it in, in sufficient detail, or leave it out completely. Or maybe just hint at it. But the point is, if you're going to leave something out, there is an artful and deliberate way of doing it, and there is a lazy way of doing it.
Girl, you have a serious thing for nipple piercings.
Funny, I see how flaky Tristan is. He just saw how hard Jin and Oisin were trying to save him, and how badly upset they were when they thought he was dying, and now he thinks he's unnecessary. Fast judgment is right.
On the whole showing vs. telling question I brought up last chapter, I think you may have misunderstood me. I wasn't suggesting that you reveal everything right away. That would not be good at all. What I was referring to was the way in which you reveal it, namely just straight up telling us stuff instead of having something happen that makes us realize it on our own. Like when you had to tell me that Dwyn isn't the lyrical type and thus would be terse (which, btw, is kind of ironic since he does in fact write lyrics), you shouldn't have had to tell me that. It should have been told through the story and the things he'd said and done up to that point, which it wasn't. And staying in a character's voice isn't a reason to tell instead of show, either. If the character for whatever reason doesn't choose to tell us something, that's significant, and you the author should have a reason for holding it back or revealing it, as the case may be. Either put it in, in sufficient detail, or leave it out completely. Or maybe just hint at it. But the point is, if you're going to leave something out, there is an artful and deliberate way of doing it, and there is a lazy way of doing it.
1/30/2007 c15 20Darkladyknight
Wow, that was good. I have to admit though, when I saw this pop up, i was like, huh, wait is that what I think it is? So I ran over here to read. I'm glad you got this finished, and it was a good ending, to a wonderful story that was filled with alot of colorful characters!
Thanks again!
20DarkladyknightWow, that was good. I have to admit though, when I saw this pop up, i was like, huh, wait is that what I think it is? So I ran over here to read. I'm glad you got this finished, and it was a good ending, to a wonderful story that was filled with alot of colorful characters!
Thanks again!
1/30/2007 c5 6the sacred night
YESS! Yes! Yes! Yes! Finally that threesome I've been waiting for!
Lol, that redheaded manwhore. I hadn't noticed how long the list had gotten. He forgot one, though, or maybe he did. None of us really knows whether he slept with Keir that night they were drunk, although I'm not sure Weylan would care that much. Maybe that's the thought Tristan got? But still, no matter who it was, I can't imagine Weylan caring about it unless it was Dwyn. Even though it happened a while ago, it's very possible that Weylan just now found out about it.
Still, the plot gets ever more complicated. I like that. This is far from a predictable romance where once you know the pairings you pretty much know it all. Although, they're not all pairs, ne?
6the sacred nightYESS! Yes! Yes! Yes! Finally that threesome I've been waiting for!
Lol, that redheaded manwhore. I hadn't noticed how long the list had gotten. He forgot one, though, or maybe he did. None of us really knows whether he slept with Keir that night they were drunk, although I'm not sure Weylan would care that much. Maybe that's the thought Tristan got? But still, no matter who it was, I can't imagine Weylan caring about it unless it was Dwyn. Even though it happened a while ago, it's very possible that Weylan just now found out about it.
Still, the plot gets ever more complicated. I like that. This is far from a predictable romance where once you know the pairings you pretty much know it all. Although, they're not all pairs, ne?
1/30/2007 c4 the sacred night
Oh, wow. I can see where a story with this many complex relationships that resist conventional labels could get muddled after awhile, but I really think it's worth the extra effort to explore stuff like this. I wish we had a little more description to help us picture the characters, because that would make it a lot easier to organize the relationships in our heads (or my head, anyway). It helps to have concrete visual images to latch onto when you're meeting new characters this frequently and trying to keep track of who is who.
I like how you've had different characters tell their own versions of the backstory and haven't really told us how much of each version is true. I mean, Tristan seems to believe Keir more, as do I, but I think that's mostly because we're already suspicious of Weylan due to his apparent ill effect on Dwyn and because Keir's story was so much more detailed whereas Weylan barely said one sentence about it as far as we've read.
I find it interesting that Keir calls Dwyn by Dwyn instead of that other name Weylan calls him. Wonder if that means anything?
Also interesting how Tristan seems to trust Keir so easily when he believed up to now that Keir tried to kill his best friend.
And I am ever more confused about what the pairings will end up being, although I'm not complaining there. I'm quite happy speculating, I hate it when an author reveals too much too fast.
Oh, wow. I can see where a story with this many complex relationships that resist conventional labels could get muddled after awhile, but I really think it's worth the extra effort to explore stuff like this. I wish we had a little more description to help us picture the characters, because that would make it a lot easier to organize the relationships in our heads (or my head, anyway). It helps to have concrete visual images to latch onto when you're meeting new characters this frequently and trying to keep track of who is who.
I like how you've had different characters tell their own versions of the backstory and haven't really told us how much of each version is true. I mean, Tristan seems to believe Keir more, as do I, but I think that's mostly because we're already suspicious of Weylan due to his apparent ill effect on Dwyn and because Keir's story was so much more detailed whereas Weylan barely said one sentence about it as far as we've read.
I find it interesting that Keir calls Dwyn by Dwyn instead of that other name Weylan calls him. Wonder if that means anything?
Also interesting how Tristan seems to trust Keir so easily when he believed up to now that Keir tried to kill his best friend.
And I am ever more confused about what the pairings will end up being, although I'm not complaining there. I'm quite happy speculating, I hate it when an author reveals too much too fast.
1/29/2007 c3 the sacred night
I'm glad you're editing. Not that it's bad, I mean I'm glad you're serious enough about your work to bother with it.
I'm also very glad the plot wasn't predictable. I definitely had not predicted any of this.
I'm concerned, though. The events of this chapter could have taken up a good five chapters. You fly through the events so fast it's like we're not seeing it happen or even being told a story about the time it happened, but simply being told "It happened. The end." Like when there is this several week long period when Dwyn and Weylan seem so happy, you gloss over their meeting and this whole period in like a paragraph just telling us "This is what it was like" instead of letting us see things happen, conversations, etc. that would show us what it was like. Also, the whole time leading up to the band playing at that bar, you gloss over that disappointingly fast.
You also tell us a lot of things about your characters with nothing to back it up. For example, "He is a generous and playful lover" doesn't really cut it as far as getting us to believe he is indeed that type of lover. If it's important, then it merits showing through him doing stuff that shows it, and if it's not important, just cut it out. Just tellig us "This person is (adjective)" isn't interesting at all; we want to get to know the characters as if they were people we actually met, meaning seeing them do stuff that shows what kind of people they are instead of being straight up told what kind of people they are. Same goes for how they feel about things. Instead of just having Tristan tell us point blank how he feels about Weylan and his relationship with Dwyn, have him do/say/think things in the context of events/conversations/scenes that show us how he feels.
The dialogue in the reunion with Weylan was very abrupt. "I'm sorry, I don't remember" Is very blase for someone who has just met a former lover he doesn't remember. It's like he's just been told that he was supposed to check the mail or something and goes "Oh, sorry, forgot." It sounds dismissive, and I don't think that's what you were going for, since it clearly is a big deal to him from how he acts later. Also the quick request to borrow Tristan's house and the explanation "I need to know more about who I am" is very trite and abrupt. For it to sound heartfelt, it can't be something that sounds like it was easy to say. None of the things a person in his position would have to say are easy things. A sentiment like this can't be summed up in a stock sentence. Especially if he cares for Tristan like he says he does, and since he is making a request, he ought to be honest and say something sincere and real.
I think the plot of this story is strong and original, and I love it. Anything I say that sounds negative is only meant to help. I promise I like the story a lot. If I didn't, I'd stop reading, not leave bad reviews. Sorry if I sound overly brutal at times, I just want to help you bring the story to its full potential.
I'm glad you're editing. Not that it's bad, I mean I'm glad you're serious enough about your work to bother with it.
I'm also very glad the plot wasn't predictable. I definitely had not predicted any of this.
I'm concerned, though. The events of this chapter could have taken up a good five chapters. You fly through the events so fast it's like we're not seeing it happen or even being told a story about the time it happened, but simply being told "It happened. The end." Like when there is this several week long period when Dwyn and Weylan seem so happy, you gloss over their meeting and this whole period in like a paragraph just telling us "This is what it was like" instead of letting us see things happen, conversations, etc. that would show us what it was like. Also, the whole time leading up to the band playing at that bar, you gloss over that disappointingly fast.
You also tell us a lot of things about your characters with nothing to back it up. For example, "He is a generous and playful lover" doesn't really cut it as far as getting us to believe he is indeed that type of lover. If it's important, then it merits showing through him doing stuff that shows it, and if it's not important, just cut it out. Just tellig us "This person is (adjective)" isn't interesting at all; we want to get to know the characters as if they were people we actually met, meaning seeing them do stuff that shows what kind of people they are instead of being straight up told what kind of people they are. Same goes for how they feel about things. Instead of just having Tristan tell us point blank how he feels about Weylan and his relationship with Dwyn, have him do/say/think things in the context of events/conversations/scenes that show us how he feels.
The dialogue in the reunion with Weylan was very abrupt. "I'm sorry, I don't remember" Is very blase for someone who has just met a former lover he doesn't remember. It's like he's just been told that he was supposed to check the mail or something and goes "Oh, sorry, forgot." It sounds dismissive, and I don't think that's what you were going for, since it clearly is a big deal to him from how he acts later. Also the quick request to borrow Tristan's house and the explanation "I need to know more about who I am" is very trite and abrupt. For it to sound heartfelt, it can't be something that sounds like it was easy to say. None of the things a person in his position would have to say are easy things. A sentiment like this can't be summed up in a stock sentence. Especially if he cares for Tristan like he says he does, and since he is making a request, he ought to be honest and say something sincere and real.
I think the plot of this story is strong and original, and I love it. Anything I say that sounds negative is only meant to help. I promise I like the story a lot. If I didn't, I'd stop reading, not leave bad reviews. Sorry if I sound overly brutal at times, I just want to help you bring the story to its full potential.
1/28/2007 c2 the sacred night
Oho, the plot thickens. I admit I had secretly hoped it was Lin who was looking for Dwyn (you must have a thing for names that rhyme with 'in'), but I suppose that's out. I'm sure whoever it is will be equally interesting, though.
I love how everyone in your stories is so openly and obviously gay and affectionate to each other as if it were the most natural thing in the world (which I suppose it is, really) as if it never entered their minds that the currect object of said affection might have a minute chance of being straight or simply ininterested. We're sadly repressed, aren't we? I wish we could do that in reality, just casually make a suggestion or touch someone and not get a glare and a "What the hell are you doing?" I mean, obviously these four are close friends and they didn't just *now* decide to act this way, but there had to be a first time, ne?
Only problem (if you choose to view it that way) is that it's not so predictable what the pairings will be. One almost expects a four person orgy, and while that would not bother me in the least, I doubt it is what you have planned.
I'm also glad we're getting more detail on what the fey races are like and how their cultures work. I was always curious about that, and you do tease us so with the sprinkling of details we have. Not that that's a bad thing- keeps us curious and interested.
Oho, the plot thickens. I admit I had secretly hoped it was Lin who was looking for Dwyn (you must have a thing for names that rhyme with 'in'), but I suppose that's out. I'm sure whoever it is will be equally interesting, though.
I love how everyone in your stories is so openly and obviously gay and affectionate to each other as if it were the most natural thing in the world (which I suppose it is, really) as if it never entered their minds that the currect object of said affection might have a minute chance of being straight or simply ininterested. We're sadly repressed, aren't we? I wish we could do that in reality, just casually make a suggestion or touch someone and not get a glare and a "What the hell are you doing?" I mean, obviously these four are close friends and they didn't just *now* decide to act this way, but there had to be a first time, ne?
Only problem (if you choose to view it that way) is that it's not so predictable what the pairings will be. One almost expects a four person orgy, and while that would not bother me in the least, I doubt it is what you have planned.
I'm also glad we're getting more detail on what the fey races are like and how their cultures work. I was always curious about that, and you do tease us so with the sprinkling of details we have. Not that that's a bad thing- keeps us curious and interested.
1/27/2007 c1 the sacred night
I am veery eenterested. I like these characters. I'm a smidge confused about what exactly Dwin is, since I kinda got the impression it's not sidhe, but I have guesses, and I'm sure it'll be revealed eventually. Nice, potentially complicated, suspenseful plot already. I like.
I am veery eenterested. I like these characters. I'm a smidge confused about what exactly Dwin is, since I kinda got the impression it's not sidhe, but I have guesses, and I'm sure it'll be revealed eventually. Nice, potentially complicated, suspenseful plot already. I like.