for Jamie's Life decision12/19/2006 c1 
2aleksei moreau
Reading the summary, I thought that this would be a great story. Well, this COULD be a great story if you would pay attention to the following:
Grammar(It's just one grammar problem, don't worry!) - I just noticed something. One of your character (Sara, I think) said: "Hello, I'm Sara", which were followed by the words "the girl said" before the sentence ends. Please fix that.
Spelling (Not to worry, it's only one word there that had a bad spelling) - Umm, what the heck does "desion" mean? I looked it up in the dictionary and, sadly, there was no such word. I think you meant "DECISION".
Oh yeah, and the last problem was the second chapter. There were only two lines, and I don't know why. I have a suggestion. Why don't you include the only two lines in the second chapter to the first chapter? That way, I'll be much happier.
I also thought that their relationship (and Jamie's question) was far too fast. You should have added more description on how they became friends. I also have a question: Why would Jamie suddenly (as in suddenly) ask Sara, "So are you a lesbian"? She must have a reason, right?
It's either you don't know that, or you're lazy, like me! :D
But don't worry, I liked the first paragraph of your story!
Anyway, back to the point. I'd really appreciate this story if it had better grammar, better spelling, description, and longer chapters! But please don't count this as a flame. It's only Constructive Criticism. In order to get a good story, you need compliments from reviewers, right?
Don't give up, dude (or dudette)! I know you can improve this story! :D
2aleksei moreauReading the summary, I thought that this would be a great story. Well, this COULD be a great story if you would pay attention to the following:
Grammar(It's just one grammar problem, don't worry!) - I just noticed something. One of your character (Sara, I think) said: "Hello, I'm Sara", which were followed by the words "the girl said" before the sentence ends. Please fix that.
Spelling (Not to worry, it's only one word there that had a bad spelling) - Umm, what the heck does "desion" mean? I looked it up in the dictionary and, sadly, there was no such word. I think you meant "DECISION".
Oh yeah, and the last problem was the second chapter. There were only two lines, and I don't know why. I have a suggestion. Why don't you include the only two lines in the second chapter to the first chapter? That way, I'll be much happier.
I also thought that their relationship (and Jamie's question) was far too fast. You should have added more description on how they became friends. I also have a question: Why would Jamie suddenly (as in suddenly) ask Sara, "So are you a lesbian"? She must have a reason, right?
It's either you don't know that, or you're lazy, like me! :D
But don't worry, I liked the first paragraph of your story!
Anyway, back to the point. I'd really appreciate this story if it had better grammar, better spelling, description, and longer chapters! But please don't count this as a flame. It's only Constructive Criticism. In order to get a good story, you need compliments from reviewers, right?
Don't give up, dude (or dudette)! I know you can improve this story! :D
12/26/2004 c2 Mayuka
Um, what the hell? How can a chapter be 2 lines long?
Maybe you should stick to learning correct grammar before writing a story. No offense, but it's true.
Um, what the hell? How can a chapter be 2 lines long?
Maybe you should stick to learning correct grammar before writing a story. No offense, but it's true.
7/30/2004 c2 5Blackout the Swordsman
I like this chapter; it has a very seperate style to it. It would be better if there were more chapters following it, but this is a good stopping point. No need to drag it out.
5Blackout the SwordsmanI like this chapter; it has a very seperate style to it. It would be better if there were more chapters following it, but this is a good stopping point. No need to drag it out.
7/30/2004 c1 Blackout the Swordsman
Those first few sentences could be conbined if you changed their structure some, and that way it won't sound awkwardly redundant. You should also be mindful of some of the other minor mistakes you made. Overall, good work.
Those first few sentences could be conbined if you changed their structure some, and that way it won't sound awkwardly redundant. You should also be mindful of some of the other minor mistakes you made. Overall, good work.
7/30/2004 c1 GcGurl
um so sry but afte i read the 1st two chaps...i tottally regretted that i read this story...like ew this story damn sucks .you shoukd change it before you get more bad rewiews ...i mean it's disgusting and boring...and no it did not inspire me or want to be a lesbo ...ew...like i would...bye...hello no grieve bye
um so sry but afte i read the 1st two chaps...i tottally regretted that i read this story...like ew this story damn sucks .you shoukd change it before you get more bad rewiews ...i mean it's disgusting and boring...and no it did not inspire me or want to be a lesbo ...ew...like i would...bye...hello no grieve bye
11/7/2003 c1 Guest
this story inspired me to be a lesbo ya uhuh like that would happen this story sucks @#$% (dick)
this story inspired me to be a lesbo ya uhuh like that would happen this story sucks @#$% (dick)