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for My Heart Betrays Me

2/10/2004 c1 Winter's Roar
wow, such a depth of emotion in this poem. Although the rhyming isn't completely necessary, it does add a nice rythem and flow to the poem. You do an excellent job of portraying various feelings throughout this poem, and your use of words creates such vivd images at times. You really tell a story through this poem, and although nothing is really resolved at the end, it is an ending that allows the readers to choose thenselves how it ends. Hats off to you on a wonderfully written poem!
~ winter
1/29/2004 c1 oww
..=(...i make me sad..buh happi at the same time..mixed..mixedd...
heheh i like it alot..
i guess i would like..all ur poemzz
1/19/2004 c1 13idontusethisanymore
Good premise... parts seem slightly cliche, and the rhyming seems forced at times. It's an age-old story, and you've done well at putting it into thw written word.
1/18/2004 c1 7DuchessAilene
Very nice! Good range of emotions and expression. The emotion you are trying to show come across really well. I hope you get into your book with it!
1/10/2004 c1 418Amethyst Horizon
i really love this poem! especially the last two lines! beautiful!
1/10/2004 c1 38DeAd InCyDe
intresting poem... i always like to read different variations of the indecisive heart, split into different directions. good job.
12/23/2003 c1 whatsapenname
that was really good. i felt like the emotion was drawn out of a personal experience. thanks for reviewing for my poem.
P.S. I love The Crucible
12/22/2003 c1 8Rhapsodic Melancholy
I loved this poem. It conveys such an ominous sense of depression and confusion, and for the most part, it flows well and has good rhyming.
There was ONE line that i thought didnt run over smoothly with the rhythm of the poem, and that was this one:
"You say you have always loved me
But the bleak, cold truth I now see"
Most of the lines in this poem are very short, and they read very quick and concise. I am probably just being picky and prudish, but i think the comma and the extra adjective makes that line a little to long to say, and ruins the syllabic flow of the poem. Adjective alone is fine, but a comma in the middle of line is kinda tricky, because if you read it literally, the comma signals a sort of pause, which is worse than a single syllable.
My suggestion is just leave out 'cold', thus eliminating the comma, and add in 'do' to gain a single extra syllable to complete the line.
"You say you have always loved me
But the bleak truth I do now see"
Or, even leave out the do, and just leave the line short, because it conveys enough emotion without the extra adjective. 'Bleak' alone is a fairly powerful word in this context, and 'cold', while descriptive, is an un-needed augmentation. But thats just to me, and im a loser.
And that is the one suggestion i have, and there is no reason in the world why you shouldnt just ignor me and do whatever you want, cus its your poem, and im just an OCD freak over flow, because thats what i have the hardest time getting right in my own poetry. So yes. GREAT job though, and i look forward to emerging from my lazy and lethargic state and taking the time to read your other poems.
}~Melancholy~{
(Mi tortuga es infuego!)
P.S. if you want to E mail me and scream at me about my insanely stupid review and stuff, or just ask me questions, click on my profile and go ahead and send me an E-mail. Just make sure to put something ill recognize in the subject line, because i get alot of junk mail (Yes im happy with the size of my p*s!) and i usually just go through and delete everything not from an adress i that know.
**Final note- once again, Excellent job!
11/28/2003 c1 37Divine Miss S
Loved it! Good work
11/14/2003 c1 10Rebecca Kelsey
This is great! I love it! um...im not that good with reviews, so I'm just gonna leave it at that. lol. Thanks for the review and keep writing!

-*Eressea*-
11/14/2003 c1 87EchoesOfReason
Yes this was extremely good. It was so deep in such few words...wow. I mean seriously, this is amazing. I'm hoping you submitted it because it's really, REALLY good. Keep it up.

Love always,

A-Light-From-Your-Darkness

p.s. thanks for the review!
11/13/2003 c1 ember wolf
I love your poem. it is so very true. thanks for reviewing too.keep up your good work.
11/8/2003 c1 burp
Good rhyming. The rhythm could use some tweaking, but I still like it. I can empathize with the first part, but the second part seems alien to me. How can you leave someone you love?
11/8/2003 c1 52Porphyrophobic Grape
awe.. thats sad,, you put it really well tho, i cant really understand what you are saying, but its still mysteriousish great job
11/8/2003 c1 133S.C. Preclarus Noctis
This was beautiful..i love your rhyming (sp?) !
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