for I want1/15/2004 c1 
20Innocent Green Eyes
Very interesting! You want them...but at the same time, you want to be free of them...love it! ^.^ You've mentioned "tar" in some of your other poems...does the person you're talking about smoke? That's not fun =(
Keep up the great writing!
God bless,
Greeny
20Innocent Green EyesVery interesting! You want them...but at the same time, you want to be free of them...love it! ^.^ You've mentioned "tar" in some of your other poems...does the person you're talking about smoke? That's not fun =(
Keep up the great writing!
God bless,
Greeny
11/1/2003 c1 1aleppine
This poem is beautiful in a very surreal and sometimes grotesque way. No, I don't think you should do much to change it. The metaphors are flawless.
The first line made me think drowning... the second is death during some, uh, intimate situation ... the third is just intimate. And sensual. The fourth is your iron levels are low again, aren't they? Dark. Love it. Blood on metal, but platter, not knife. The fifth made me think of a strange image - y'know the way people believe that their lifelines and number of kdis and marriages etc are all on their palm? Based on that, a lover's palm would have your life on it. I don't know if that was intentional, but hey, it was my kinda metaphor! :D The sixth makes sense to me because I know you're not exactly prone to doing this to people. I'd say you had more trust in your, hm, stapler than you do in most of your friends. It runs out of staples, but that's about all of it's shortcomings. The seventh you did 'cos you know I wouldn't approve, didn't you? Only joking... it's another very personal and intimate image, but with a touch of laid-back casualness about it. And the last makes me think of the kind of love that you are afraid of, because it's so all-consuming that it begins to bleed you of yourself.
I love the darkness.
Excellent. Write more.
1aleppineThis poem is beautiful in a very surreal and sometimes grotesque way. No, I don't think you should do much to change it. The metaphors are flawless.
The first line made me think drowning... the second is death during some, uh, intimate situation ... the third is just intimate. And sensual. The fourth is your iron levels are low again, aren't they? Dark. Love it. Blood on metal, but platter, not knife. The fifth made me think of a strange image - y'know the way people believe that their lifelines and number of kdis and marriages etc are all on their palm? Based on that, a lover's palm would have your life on it. I don't know if that was intentional, but hey, it was my kinda metaphor! :D The sixth makes sense to me because I know you're not exactly prone to doing this to people. I'd say you had more trust in your, hm, stapler than you do in most of your friends. It runs out of staples, but that's about all of it's shortcomings. The seventh you did 'cos you know I wouldn't approve, didn't you? Only joking... it's another very personal and intimate image, but with a touch of laid-back casualness about it. And the last makes me think of the kind of love that you are afraid of, because it's so all-consuming that it begins to bleed you of yourself.
I love the darkness.
Excellent. Write more.