for The Girl in the Mirror11/2/2011 c9 
1TheLittleGirlWithAFrenchBeret
Ok maybe at one time I would have liked to read this story...but it's actually REALLY boring, and I actually know why now. It's because while you're writing you TELL instead of SHOWING. Good writers reveal by showing. example: ' "What. did. you. just. say?" I asked, angrily ' do you really need to say angrily? can't you tell she's angry? I know that I can just from what she says but I guess...maybe you think the people who are reading your story are idiots. That's not very nice. Also with that example, you do realize you are putting periods, right? Even if that is not grammatically correct, you need to follow the rule that after every period the next word has its first letter in upper-case. Now I know what you're thinking, you're thinking: "well if you hate it so much, why are you on chapter 9?" Good question. I'm on chapter nine because though you aren't very good at holding tension or making rising action actually...rise, and though all of the characters are pretty unbelievable -ok really, she loves Erin, she hates Erin, She loves Chad like a brother -but she's not in love with him,- yet she thinks that he is a clueless jerk-face? Do you see the inconsistencies?- the plot of the story is interesting and seems pretty original, -minus the whole 'ooh I'm a rebel! I hate my parents! I'm so cool!' part. And seriously? I don't think any blond cheerleader doesn't care about image. Duh, it's why she's a cheerleader.- and I'm intrigued. Sorry, did I say am? I meant WAS. Unfortunately the fact that you can't create tension really, really, really bugs me and I can't stand reading this story anymore, interesting as the plot-line may be. I'm sorry I know this all sounds extremely harsh...just work on the believability of the characters and the rising action and you could turn this into a kick-butt story.
1TheLittleGirlWithAFrenchBeretOk maybe at one time I would have liked to read this story...but it's actually REALLY boring, and I actually know why now. It's because while you're writing you TELL instead of SHOWING. Good writers reveal by showing. example: ' "What. did. you. just. say?" I asked, angrily ' do you really need to say angrily? can't you tell she's angry? I know that I can just from what she says but I guess...maybe you think the people who are reading your story are idiots. That's not very nice. Also with that example, you do realize you are putting periods, right? Even if that is not grammatically correct, you need to follow the rule that after every period the next word has its first letter in upper-case. Now I know what you're thinking, you're thinking: "well if you hate it so much, why are you on chapter 9?" Good question. I'm on chapter nine because though you aren't very good at holding tension or making rising action actually...rise, and though all of the characters are pretty unbelievable -ok really, she loves Erin, she hates Erin, She loves Chad like a brother -but she's not in love with him,- yet she thinks that he is a clueless jerk-face? Do you see the inconsistencies?- the plot of the story is interesting and seems pretty original, -minus the whole 'ooh I'm a rebel! I hate my parents! I'm so cool!' part. And seriously? I don't think any blond cheerleader doesn't care about image. Duh, it's why she's a cheerleader.- and I'm intrigued. Sorry, did I say am? I meant WAS. Unfortunately the fact that you can't create tension really, really, really bugs me and I can't stand reading this story anymore, interesting as the plot-line may be. I'm sorry I know this all sounds extremely harsh...just work on the believability of the characters and the rising action and you could turn this into a kick-butt story.
2/2/2004 c20 6nfgcassie
i loved the whole idea of your story. and it was very very good but the ending was sort of abrupt, isnt it?
6nfgcassiei loved the whole idea of your story. and it was very very good but the ending was sort of abrupt, isnt it?
1/30/2004 c20 Loah
AAh, I know the feeling of not wanting to end a story because you like the characters. Personally, I like Jack, but that's my opinion.
AAh, I know the feeling of not wanting to end a story because you like the characters. Personally, I like Jack, but that's my opinion.
1/27/2004 c20 Eleni
aw! i loved this! i still love it! your great. please write a sequel/prequel/something of that nature. jack is deff too cool for school baby. :)
aw! i loved this! i still love it! your great. please write a sequel/prequel/something of that nature. jack is deff too cool for school baby. :)
1/25/2004 c19 Vincenza
Great story! Love it very much. Must write more.
Great story! Love it very much. Must write more.
1/22/2004 c19 11jules2206
hye. this is a cool update, she's really getting outta there yay! Greg is cool I like him so much! anyway pleas update soon, BUBBAI!
11jules2206hye. this is a cool update, she's really getting outta there yay! Greg is cool I like him so much! anyway pleas update soon, BUBBAI!
1/21/2004 c18 Loah
The title of this chapter definitely fits. At the end, I was going, "Wait, what now?"
The title of this chapter definitely fits. At the end, I was going, "Wait, what now?"
1/16/2004 c17 jules2206
hye...i am so loving this story... I really like it.. I love Jack and Jeremy.. I dont like Chad OR her parents or her sister lol but i relaly like this story.. maybe I'll like Greg aswell if he lets her use his mobile.. her worlds just pretty fucked up at the minute ay anyway please update soon, BUBBAI!
hye...i am so loving this story... I really like it.. I love Jack and Jeremy.. I dont like Chad OR her parents or her sister lol but i relaly like this story.. maybe I'll like Greg aswell if he lets her use his mobile.. her worlds just pretty fucked up at the minute ay anyway please update soon, BUBBAI!
12/23/2003 c16 9poodlefreak
i guess everyone has a different belief, and I shouldn't have said that as if that is the only answer about love at first sight, and I'm sorry.
anyway, I like this chapter, there's a lot of dialogue. Anyway, keep writing, I want to know what happens to Natalie!
9poodlefreaki guess everyone has a different belief, and I shouldn't have said that as if that is the only answer about love at first sight, and I'm sorry.
anyway, I like this chapter, there's a lot of dialogue. Anyway, keep writing, I want to know what happens to Natalie!
12/15/2003 c16 6nfgcassie
youre story just keeps getting better and better. keep it up and update soon
6nfgcassieyoure story just keeps getting better and better. keep it up and update soon
12/10/2003 c16 1Courting Insanity
This is good. Hehe.. Her parents are whackos man, that is some serious bs there! For a moment, I was starting to actually believe the stuff they were putting out, so no wonder she was placed in the inso, but man. Waking up to what Natalie did, that was whacked out. The whole life that Natalie had thought of before with Chad, that is.. so blah. I'm not dissing anyone who lives like that or anything, but it's just... stereotypical. Jack sounds awesome though. Anyway, update soon coz I wanna know how the escape goes.
Charmed
1Courting InsanityThis is good. Hehe.. Her parents are whackos man, that is some serious bs there! For a moment, I was starting to actually believe the stuff they were putting out, so no wonder she was placed in the inso, but man. Waking up to what Natalie did, that was whacked out. The whole life that Natalie had thought of before with Chad, that is.. so blah. I'm not dissing anyone who lives like that or anything, but it's just... stereotypical. Jack sounds awesome though. Anyway, update soon coz I wanna know how the escape goes.
Charmed
12/10/2003 c16 Emma
i cant wait too see how she gets out.. make sure u update soon!
i cant wait too see how she gets out.. make sure u update soon!