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9/26/2005 c11 150SpawnMeister666
So I finally got around to reading this latest chapter. Woohoo me and all that. I think Terry Pratchett must be writing my life or something. How else to explain the fact I'm sat here reading stuff on FictionPress when I should be out on the town in lovely Prague getting drunk.

I guess four days of pushing a wheelchair up and down hills is the reason I don't feel like drinking too much. Having said that though, surely the act of pushing wheelchairs uphill should have the opposite effect and make me thirsty?

It makes no sense!

Anyway, on the update front, now I've read it at last, I wasn't that keen on this chapter. I think mainly because not much happened, and I'm an action kind of guy, although I accept that in any tale there are times where not much happens.

I like the fact the goddess is a statue though. Thats quite a cool touch. It means I don't have to worry about falling in love with her or anything, because lets face it, sex with a statue would be wrong!

I think I should go and push wheelchairs again now!

Spawny
9/19/2005 c10 NiNjApOoN619
oy...how long was it since i last review? At least one and a half year. Okay, i think i am a little rusted at review so bare with me. It is also very late at nite and i have school tomorrow so this won't be too long i hope. Furthermore, i kind of lost track of the story in a way so don't mind me if i forget some stuffs. Okay, let's begin. Chapter 9 consists of three parts...the first part introducing a new character, second part the bad guy, and last part back with the three characters. This chapter started a little confusing in a way with new characters popping up in the story. You kind of made it mysterious and secret..maybe too mysterious that i kept losing track of who is who in the story. It is not until i asked you guyz who is Marek..the guy who was already in the house or the guy who just came in. So be sure to make it obvious of that cuz that can be very confusing to follow. I know you are trying to set the mood and purposely hide some info about the story to the reader but in a way, you achieve it by confusing the reader of the new character. Other than that, the dialogue was pretty good for the mood setting in trying to decept the reader by telling them a little and not the whole situtation. It was excellent done. Something to work on tho is character development and description. Maybe you can describe this Marek character without giving away everything. More descriptions are needed. Also the names of the location are very confusing in the beginning. I was wondering where is Rasiah, Daisk, or those places. You kind of left the reader guessing until the end of the chapter when you have Ming explains Gaia. My favorite part of the chapter is probably your character desciption of Ashkar and showing the malice side in him: "Ashkar. He stood regally on the seventh tier balcony; an impression of godly height and stature. He was clothed in a fine suit and elegant cloak with the country’s wolf embroidered in the center. A gold medallion, the emblem of the royal family, hung around his neck as easily as if it had been his to inherit. Cold blue eyes—the lightest of pale sapphire- scanned the forested grounds far below towards the west. Dark strands rustled in the breath of the breeze as the king watched patiently at the scene before him like many hours before." You really capture his evil side using very exciting word choice. Your choice of words have definately improved from past chapters. Kudos to that. You also did a great job showing the relationship between Leithien and Ashkar but the confusing part is that Ashkar describes Leithien as his best assassin but in previous chapters up to this point, you made him kind of stupid or a comic relief. The way you described Leithien: "The truth was that Leithien was no ordinary assassin. He was like a machine, a person whose heart had been entirely transformed. What had once been a faithful servant of the Goddess of Peace belonged entirely to him now, and to him alone. It had been a risk for him to carry out the experiment. Leithien had proved difficult to capture in the first place. Ashkar remembered how he had single-handedly killed an entire band of his men before surrendering. His strength and power had fascinated Ashkar because he knew that only the strongest would survive the process." doesn't match what you wrote about him in the story. Very contradicting. Also, once again, you described the setting and places marvelously, such as the castle with the dragon. Reminds me of a LOTR style kind of setting. Every action and details are captured in ur writing. Even I can imagine the world of Gaia through your words. Very good. Try expanding further but make sure you don't slow the pace of the story. Finally, the last part of the story, which is also my favorite. Here, we go back to some friendly characters that we are so used to. And you furthermore develop the three girls in this chapter by showing their personalities through dialogue. Kyra, this friendly, cheerful girl. Shannon, mysterious mature sorta like Paine in FFX-2, and Meiling, the wild, hot-tempered girl. Very great character developments, perhaps the best and consistant skill you have shown throughout the story. Although there is little development in the plot concerning the three characters, you continuously show us the bondage of these three heroes. And I can tell that these three girls will make a good team. As you said: "Even though there didn’t exist the closest bond between them, she already could not imagine the journey with any other two," something is soon to happen that will make these three girls' bond even stronger. In conclusion, this chapter consisted of many elements, both good and bad. You demonstrate excitent character developments of the three girls and the bad guy, a very great descriptive setting into the new world, and yes, comic relief...(the sea cucumber with a live fish inside) lol.. And yes, as adventure we sure will have. This is turning out to be better than expected. I can't wait till i review the next chappie..but i can wait until i go to bed...nite all..keep up the good work...sorry if my review is confusing or suck. ^^;;
9/2/2005 c1 kudosjen
I just started on your first chapter and I must continue onto the next, but I must drop a note.

Your writing style is impressive and I fully admire it! The plot as far is coming together and it sounds really interesting. Well onto the next chapter!
8/30/2005 c10 2EyriNyx
That was a really nice ending. Does the man in the first part of the chapter die? He was so nice, letting Marek stay at his place even though he knew it was dangerous. That's so sad, and Leithien, I feel so sry for him. Wait, if he was once loyal to the Goddess of Peace, what happen to him that made him what he is now. *must be horrible* Anyway. Little live fishes in soup. *I'm not sure what to think* Was it really a head Meiling was pointing at? *ugh* * feeling better* KEEP UPDATING
8/21/2005 c9 EyriNyx
I didn't realize that I had not reviewed this chapter yet,but then again, I haven't check the updates in a long time. That was really cool idea with the waterfall. Something is going to happen,isn't it. Bumbumbum!
8/1/2005 c10 150SpawnMeister666
I think I'm doomed to never read the end of this story.

I wait for months and months and months for an update, and then as soon as you finally get around to it my computers hard drive goes into meltdown.

Several weeks and a brand new hard drive later, and I seem to have lost everything I've ever written, with the exception of whats on this site, and my new hard drive seems to actively dislike FictionPress, as it reboots itself every five minutes when I'm looking at the site.

Still, I finally, after a huge number of attempts, got to the end of this chapter, and am suitably impressed enough to want to read the next one.

And I know you've only been waiting for me to review so you can reply to me when you put the next chapter up, so I've done it now.

Well, come on then. What are you waiting for?

Spawny
7/24/2005 c10 Questionable Chains
Hey, long time no review! Sorry it took me so long to review, I've been a bit busy with work and procrastination. Anyway, love the new chappie and you three keep up the great work!
3/1/2005 c1 NiNjApOoN619
wow..it has almost been a year since i first started reading RP...where have you guyz been? i was so waiting for chapter 10 but where is it? I did predict that your next chapter will take awhile but that this long...sad *i miss RP* i think i lost my critic touch...and ur manager is getting angry
10/24/2004 c8 Dodrudon
ill bet u guyz expected me to REALLY review hah! well there was once a box, and a very lonely box it was indeed. now, this box was very lonely, and in doing so was becoming lonely. plz dont analyze that in relation to my life. work on grammar/wordchoice. ie, dont get too excited and get all flowery (like bless me ultima, *shudders*), work on getting agreement numberswise, like not saying "an apples" (extreme example, but still). ur sometimes missing a "the" or something. and its not hardcore enough. try reading up on the forgotten realms fantasy world, its very very popular. try playing dnd. shun ff. give me money. the lonely box wept. good story development so far but, uh, no more periodic table ok? need more characters, and all the characters need their own little flaw (shannon/sharron, i 4get, should be terrified of spiders or something...) and their own hidden strengths. more realistic and exciting. more characters! otherwise too flat and boring. the world does not center around these 3/4 ppl. there are more creatures out there. dont get corny, ever. buy me a present my birthdays comin up. try dnd pape -and-pencil style or a dnd game (i suggest bgi or bgii, or nwn if ur ready to plunge headfirst into the true world of fantasy). work out ur magic system (casting spells is tiring? need to master outside or inner forces? power of will or natural talent? ask if confused). the box smelled of wet cardboard.
10/24/2004 c9 Dodrudon
ill bet u guyz expected me to REALLY review hah! well there was once a box, and a very lonely box it was indeed. now, this box was very lonely, and in doing so was becoming lonely. plz dont analyze that in relation to my life. work on grammar/wordchoice. ie, dont get too excited and get all flowery (like bless me ultima, *shudders*), work on getting agreement numberswise, like not saying "an apples" (extreme example, but still). ur sometimes missing a "the" or something. and its not hardcore enough. try reading up on the forgotten realms fantasy world, its very very popular. try playing dnd. shun ff. give me money. the lonely box wept. good story development so far but, uh, no more periodic table ok? need more characters, and all the characters need their own little flaw (shannon/sharron, i 4get, should be terrified of spiders or something...) and their own hidden strengths. more realistic and exciting. more characters! otherwise too flat and boring. the world does not center around these 3/4 ppl. there are more creatures out there. dont get corny, ever. buy me a present my birthdays comin up. try dnd pape -and-pencil style or a dnd game (i suggest bgi or bgii, or nwn if ur ready to plunge headfirst into the true world of fantasy). work out ur magic system (casting spells is tiring? need to master outside or inner forces? power of will or natural talent? ask if confused). the box smelled of wet cardboard.
10/24/2004 c9 Dodrudon
ill bet u guyz expected me to REALLY review hah! well there was once a box, and a very lonely box it was indeed. now, this box was very lonely, and in doing so was becoming lonely. plz dont analyze that in relation to my life. work on grammar/wordchoice. ie, dont get too excited and get all flowery (like bless me ultima, *shudders*), work on getting agreement numberswise, like not saying "an apples" (extreme example, but still). ur sometimes missing a "the" or something. and its not hardcore enough. try reading up on the forgotten realms fantasy world, its very very popular. try playing dnd. shun ff. give me money. the lonely box wept. good story development so far but, uh, no more periodic table ok? need more characters, and all the characters need their own little flaw (shannon/sharron, i 4get, should be terrified of spiders or something...) and their own hidden strengths. more realistic and exciting. more characters! otherwise too flat and boring. the world does not center around these 3/4 ppl. there are more creatures out there. dont get corny, ever. buy me a present my birthdays comin up. try dnd pape -and-pencil style or a dnd game (i suggest bgi or bgii, or nwn if ur ready to plunge headfirst into the true world of fantasy). work out ur magic system (casting spells is tiring? need to master outside or inner forces? power of will or natural talent? ask if confused). the box smelled of wet cardboard.
10/24/2004 c9 Dodrudon
hi.
8/1/2004 c9 Tski Goshin
:oops: I noticed that in my Chapter 6 review I referred to the "7 years" thing. It should be the "7 years" (tripe 7) thing.
Okay, on to Chapter 8.
- "like a vision among the misty light." I think that's unnecessary, it's sorta confusing.
- "and Meiling squeezed her eyes shut from the abrupt brightness." Maybe try ::and Meiling squeezed her eyes shut to block out the abrupt brightness.::
- "the Meiling and Shannon but only the silence would answer her." *grins* "the Meiling" hahaha Methinks the "the" isn't supposed to be there.
- "and in surprise, she realized that it was the thoughts of the others that were calling back to Shannon." Try ::She was surprised to realize that it was the thoughts of the others that were calling back to her::
- "freely think" - "think freely" sounds better to me.
- "as she rubbed her sore head. As she pulled pieces of grass from her hair" You shouldn't repeat "as she" so closely.
- "the bigger task ahead." "bigger" is a no-no outside of speech in my opinion. You should maybe change it to "more important" or at least "larger".
- "Finally it was time to leave." should either be ::Finally, it was time to leave.:: or ::It was finally time to leave.::
- "Ming glanced over his shoulder and paused to survey the area." I think he would pause first and then survey.
A very nice way to end for now, and it seems you've taken a break from the story =P. I feel that your descriptive abilities have become much better (especially in the "darker" scenes). Now that the base characters have been well established your chapters also flow together much better. Good job to all of ye!
8/1/2004 c8 Tski Goshin
*Stretches and begins Chapter 7*
- I think you should take out "How could she not?". To me it doesn't really sound like a question someone in such a situation would ask theirself.
- "Kyra didn’t know if it was the breeze or because of the dream that gave her chills from being in the desolated park." Maybe rephrase to something like ::Kyra didn't know if it was the breeze or memories of the dream that gave her chills in the desolate park.::
- "the woods where the moonlight couldn’t even reach into it" maybe... ::the dark woods where moonlight couldn't even reach her.::
- "Keep a better tag on your dog." I don't think she would say "better tag", maybe "stronger leash".
- "However, she didn’t believe it." I'm unsure what to replace it with but that line seems akward in that paragraph.
- "while Meiling looked either about to turn away or silence the thing that was making her feel like she’d gone insane." You should probably add in "like she was" after "looked" to make that sentence run more smoothly.
- "You didn’t hear what the Lady, the Goddess of Peace, said to you three girls?" It might be better as something like ::Not one of you girls understood what the Lady, the Goddess of Peace, told you?::
- "“No, Kyra. We must leave- now,” he " and it stops there. I assume it should be "he said."
*snap* *snap* *snap*
Well done! The past two chapters have really drawn me in to the world you've created. I'd say in about 70% of this particular chapter my mind was completely involved. Anyway, on to the next! =D
8/1/2004 c7 Tski Goshin
*silhoutte reappears*
N..No! It couldn't be! IMPOSSIBLE!
It is...
hah, I'm back to review the rest of the chapters you've finished. I think it's much better to read & review chapters consecutively rather than intermittently.
Anyway, on to Chapter 6.
-"relived" should be "relieved"
-"“Aren’t you going to tell me what happened in the gym today?” he said suddenly" I think "he said suddenly" should be changed. It sounds unnatural in the context to me. It would work better if they were say.. sitting in silence for a period of time.. or something.
- "From her brother’s tone of voice, he had apparently given up on soliciting information from her." Perhaps rephrase, ::Judging by the tone of his voice, he had given up on [soliciting is not a good word here] information from her.::
- "creator" should be "crater" I think.
- "It had grown dark all of a sudden, it seemed." Rephrase, maybe ::It seemed to have grown dark all of the sudden.::
- "The rain had stopped, and it had been replaced by a heavy blanket of fog." Replace "and" with "but", and "by" with "with"..
- "The moon shone occasionally through the mist." Is it "fog" or "mist"?
- "The moon shone occasionally through the mist." I think "The moon shone vaguely through the mist." would be a more mysterious and dark description. But then you would have to also redo the next line...
- Perhaps ::The veiled moon looked unusually bright to her tonight.::
- "As the moonlight crept closer to the sleeping girl’s face, a sudden peace fell over the night." Since you describe Kyra's room as being silent (other than the clock), you might do better to replace "over the night" with "outside".
- I'm not sure, but a semi-colon might be needed after "still beating" rather than a comma.
- I think the dream uses too many "She"s.
- "Have you believed in magic when you were young, Kyra?" I know it's speech and shouldn't be perfect but, since it's a Goddess it might be better to make it "Did you believe in magic when you were young, Kyra?".
- "7 years ago" |-.-| I think that number is a bit akward/outlandish. I really think you should replace it with something like "Over 700 years ago".
- Yeah.. you should probably re-think the "7 years" thing.
- "The moon hung like a giant billboard against the backdrop." I don't really get that description.
- "sleeping blocks"? Wha?
And that's the end of that chapteh.
No more of the "Goshin Rating" thing because I feel it's not very helpful or accurate.
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