for Eleven6/13/2008 c1 
6Hed in the Cloudz
Wow! I love the twist. It's short, sweet, and makes me want to know more- which is always great. If more of your stories are like this, I'll have to make a point to come back!
But, because you gave me such wonderful concrit, I'm here to return the favor. Here goes!
First off, I don't like the line "she was the picture of innocence." It sounds like very few people are innocent in this world, and her conviction, bravery, and attire imply that she's a rebel of some type, or at least exposed to war and secrecy. Thus, as amazing and intriguing as it is to have "the picture of innocence" being interrogated, it doesn't really work.
This next thing might just be me, but I think that the parenthesis in the middle of your fourth paragraph seem out of place. They change the tone, implying some type of self-correcting narrator, and the mirror is an irrelevant detail that, if you insisted, could be included as a description instead.
Also, you spelled "conscious" and "camouflage" wrong. Just so you know. :)
But really, thanks for posting this! It's a great story to start off my review-returning spree with. And by the way, your review was AMAZINGNESS.
6Hed in the CloudzWow! I love the twist. It's short, sweet, and makes me want to know more- which is always great. If more of your stories are like this, I'll have to make a point to come back!
But, because you gave me such wonderful concrit, I'm here to return the favor. Here goes!
First off, I don't like the line "she was the picture of innocence." It sounds like very few people are innocent in this world, and her conviction, bravery, and attire imply that she's a rebel of some type, or at least exposed to war and secrecy. Thus, as amazing and intriguing as it is to have "the picture of innocence" being interrogated, it doesn't really work.
This next thing might just be me, but I think that the parenthesis in the middle of your fourth paragraph seem out of place. They change the tone, implying some type of self-correcting narrator, and the mirror is an irrelevant detail that, if you insisted, could be included as a description instead.
Also, you spelled "conscious" and "camouflage" wrong. Just so you know. :)
But really, thanks for posting this! It's a great story to start off my review-returning spree with. And by the way, your review was AMAZINGNESS.
5/18/2008 c1 Rex Nightingale
Sorry this isn't verified, the website won't let me log in.
Overall good story, although the dialogue seems a bit clichéd. A few hints of classic sci-fi and action films like the Matrix and Terminator coming through there I think...
The scene is very nicely portrayed and most of the language provide the right atmosphere, and I like the line "He was once like her, many years ago" and what it turns out to be hinting at.
Also, it would have been nice to know a bit of background to the story, but as it is it works as just a short story with more character and setting than plot.
Great story, I'll get onto your others soon.
Sorry this isn't verified, the website won't let me log in.
Overall good story, although the dialogue seems a bit clichéd. A few hints of classic sci-fi and action films like the Matrix and Terminator coming through there I think...
The scene is very nicely portrayed and most of the language provide the right atmosphere, and I like the line "He was once like her, many years ago" and what it turns out to be hinting at.
Also, it would have been nice to know a bit of background to the story, but as it is it works as just a short story with more character and setting than plot.
Great story, I'll get onto your others soon.
7/6/2006 c1 4Intrepid23
Nice! Excellent unfolding of events with just the right amount of suspense and darkness. Brilliant ending!
4Intrepid23Nice! Excellent unfolding of events with just the right amount of suspense and darkness. Brilliant ending!
6/18/2006 c1 31emptyword
Yikes. Disturbing indeed. Now my remaining question is: was there more behind this one-shot, a bigger story, or was this an exercise?
31emptywordYikes. Disturbing indeed. Now my remaining question is: was there more behind this one-shot, a bigger story, or was this an exercise?
5/8/2006 c1 4theLethean
Yow... that raised goosebumps. His own sister! Very well-written, though - especially the shocker ending.
Excellent :)
4theLetheanYow... that raised goosebumps. His own sister! Very well-written, though - especially the shocker ending.
Excellent :)
3/3/2006 c1 JaveHarron
Powerful writing here. Shooting his own sister, damn!
Powerful writing here. Shooting his own sister, damn!
2/28/2006 c1 M.D.Irvine
scary, i have goosebumps thinking about it well written, it brings up a lot of questions
scary, i have goosebumps thinking about it well written, it brings up a lot of questions
3/10/2005 c1 Arkash
This is chilling to the bone, but very well crafted. I still have goosebumps running over me.Brilliant!
This is chilling to the bone, but very well crafted. I still have goosebumps running over me.Brilliant!
11/1/2004 c1 Victoria
Sort of a combination of Ernest Hemingway and Liam O'Flaherty! (That's a compliment!) I'm quite intrigued by this world you've created and looking forward to reading more about it!
Sort of a combination of Ernest Hemingway and Liam O'Flaherty! (That's a compliment!) I'm quite intrigued by this world you've created and looking forward to reading more about it!
6/23/2004 c1 freedman121
I liked this one too! I like how it leaves a lot of questions to be answered, and still has a real point.
Freedman
I liked this one too! I like how it leaves a lot of questions to be answered, and still has a real point.
Freedman
6/3/2004 c1 oot
Wow...intense and disturbing. I like it.
I'd offer constructive criticism, but I can't think of any way you could improve on that.
Wow...intense and disturbing. I like it.
I'd offer constructive criticism, but I can't think of any way you could improve on that.
4/15/2004 c1 jeff
Disturbing, yes, but brilliant at the same time. You clearly have a gift for writing, but perhaps you should add a little more info about the rebellion and what they werer fighting for. I love shocking endings. just my 1 ½ cents.
Disturbing, yes, but brilliant at the same time. You clearly have a gift for writing, but perhaps you should add a little more info about the rebellion and what they werer fighting for. I love shocking endings. just my 1 ½ cents.
3/24/2004 c1 C. K. Holmes
Whoa. That's gonna give me nightmares for a week. It's going on my favorites list.
Whoa. That's gonna give me nightmares for a week. It's going on my favorites list.
1/19/2004 c1 7Lee Harvey Kennedy
I must say, I was impressed by this story. It was simple, yet it told quite a story.
Looking back on a second reading, I enjoy seeing all the subtle clues you left in, such as the recognition in the soldier's eyes.
The end caught me off guard; I commend you for it, I wasn't expecting that. It was quite well done. I have a problem with keeping explanation's simple, but effective. You accomplished it nicely.
Once again, very well done. It was a pleasure to read. I hope we can continue to review and help each other with our works in the future.
7Lee Harvey KennedyI must say, I was impressed by this story. It was simple, yet it told quite a story.
Looking back on a second reading, I enjoy seeing all the subtle clues you left in, such as the recognition in the soldier's eyes.
The end caught me off guard; I commend you for it, I wasn't expecting that. It was quite well done. I have a problem with keeping explanation's simple, but effective. You accomplished it nicely.
Once again, very well done. It was a pleasure to read. I hope we can continue to review and help each other with our works in the future.
1/16/2004 c1 7Lightness
thats just disgusting.
sad thing is, this kinda stuff actually happens (not in this exact way but like with the whole hitler/jewish thing where people followed orders blindly).
its sickening.
anyway, this really was great. i kinda wish it was longer but oo well. i cant have everything, i suppose.
well, nice job.
7Lightnessthats just disgusting.
sad thing is, this kinda stuff actually happens (not in this exact way but like with the whole hitler/jewish thing where people followed orders blindly).
its sickening.
anyway, this really was great. i kinda wish it was longer but oo well. i cant have everything, i suppose.
well, nice job.