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12/24/2005 c1 2The Lark Ascending
Nice! I like the setting. Are you going to continue?
2/12/2004 c22 16RuathaWehrling
:) YEA! What an excellent story! The only thing I can really criticize is that there are a lot of "coincidences" throughour the story. Like how the last half of their group meets them, for example. Then again, it would have gotten really long if you'd gone more in depth, so that's ok.
Anyways, I just want to thank you for the excellent reading you've given me. Please keep writing!
2/12/2004 c20 RuathaWehrling
I haven't been making many comments lately, because you've done an excellent job. Here's one, though:
"There were less groups performing anyway." Fewer, not less.
2/12/2004 c18 RuathaWehrling
:) Oh, good! I was hoping you'd do something with Rae and Joey! Well done, too!
2/12/2004 c11 RuathaWehrling
" She tried to be as sophisticated and orderly as her cousins, and merely trying tired her out." Do you mean "merely succeeded in tiring herself out"?
How is jeans and a nice shirt "immaculate"? Neat and clean, yes. But immaculate?
" "You're my cousin, aren't you Lily?" she nodded, and Peter continued... " It looks like Lily is the one talking, here. You could make "she" the start a a separate sentence to fix that.
2/12/2004 c10 RuathaWehrling
"I don't think that I'd like it very much if i had to live there." You missed a capitalization for that "I".
Lovely lady, that Mrs. Toms. Also, wouldn't Lily have known her grandparent's last name? After all, it would have been her mother's maiden name...
HAHAHA! I love the ending to this chapter. Her playing the violin is just PERFECT!
2/12/2004 c9 RuathaWehrling
"By that time, Elena and Opus had been introduced to the whole gang by Mia and Robin." WRONG! Robin and Harry haven't joined the group yet. Better fix this one!
2/12/2004 c7 RuathaWehrling
"Tom was still feeling a little guilty that he had run off without at least trying to help Lily..." It sounds like he's run off without trying to get her out of the cellar. I know that's not what you were trying to say, but it's pretty confusing.
How small is Turnip, that he fits in Ali's pocket?
2/5/2004 c5 RuathaWehrling
How come Mia's so certain that the her father framed Lily's? There must have been more than one person killed recently. Did she hear the WHOLE conversation, or just the end of it, like you suggest?
2/5/2004 c4 RuathaWehrling
"For a while none of them said nothing." Try "For a while, none of them said anything." Otherwise it's a double negative.
Also, wouldn't the police have someone watching Lily, especially with her being a minor?
"Every action deserves an equal and opposite reaction." Haha! Even Newton features in your story! I'm amused.
How old is Tom?
How did Aunt Mary know how to play the cello?
Why wouldn't Tom tell his neighbors (who apparently liked him) that he was leaving?
You know, lugging a cello around the streets would be REALLY annoying after a while. Those things aren't small!
2/5/2004 c3 RuathaWehrling
:) Yet another excellent chapter!
"Lily knew that she was chinese..." Capitalize Chinese, please.
Doesn't Lily have any neighbors or anything that she could go to? To ask for a ride or bus money, even? I'm just surprised that running onto the streets of a busy city would be her first idea...
Thanks again!
2/5/2004 c22 2Sheila Ibre
Excellent! Smashing and wonderful!
I'm glad you finished it an dit was a splendid ending eventhough some parts in the middle were a little bit rushed.
(sigh...I know it took me a long time to finish reading it...)
~Your everyday Fearless Soul
2/2/2004 c2 16RuathaWehrling
Or maybe I'll read just ONE more chapter today...
"I can't let anyone get close." Is this Rae or Joey talking? It makes more sense for it to be Rae, but you've been picking Joey's mind for the whole rest of the chapter...
"That's where the victims family resides" Use "victim's".
Where does Lily live, anyways? If not in London, that is.
:) YES! A flautist! Ok, I admit, that's what I play, so I'm slightly biased...
Once again, an EXCELLENT chapter. You've really got a gorgeous writing style, and a real gift for description and character development. And good grammar besides! (Always important to a grammar freak like me.) Thank you so much!
2/2/2004 c1 RuathaWehrling
Hey there! You read a poem of mine, and I ALWAYS to return reviews. So here goes! (I had to choose this one, since I'm a music geek myself.) And thanks so much for your comments!
"But he was good, though." A bit redundant.
I REALLY like the way you've written this. I don't usually comment on general style until I'm done with a chapter, but the way you describe Joey and the library and the violin is truly excellent, and deserves a comment!
"...and the dirt that wa caked on her clothes..." Typo!
The part about Lily is interesting, though now I'm wondering what she has to do with Joey. But I wonder if maybe it should be it's own chapter, separate from the first part? It's entirely a stylistic thing, though, so that's up to you!
Thank you so much for writing this! It's seriously awesome. I'm at work now, so I can't read more, but I will get around to it soon! Thanks, and keep writing! :)
1/26/2004 c22 38Papillon Sierra
yay they won! and i liked how tom stood up for himself against his family! very good
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