12/8/2003 c1 1kydust
i like it
you have very deep isues and i can see that you have put a lot of thought into it.
i like it
you have very deep isues and i can see that you have put a lot of thought into it.
12/8/2003 c1 30quietdrama22
Wow. Good story...sorta made me cry. It has a good story/plot line, and the fact that it's in first-person really makes the story more better to read.
We know what she feels, and the scenes are realistic. So sad, though.
All in all a great yet sad story.
Keep writing : )
Wow. Good story...sorta made me cry. It has a good story/plot line, and the fact that it's in first-person really makes the story more better to read.
We know what she feels, and the scenes are realistic. So sad, though.
All in all a great yet sad story.
Keep writing : )
12/8/2003 c1 2Hexic
well it's not bad. It has a very good story line, but it's a bit unrealistic. No one would die in two days after being diagnoized with something... it might of been better if you would of diagnoized her with Lukemia and gave her a couple months. More realistic ^^.
Some of you sentances are a bit choppy as well. and some don't make sense, such as: "as I walked along with my back thrown nonchalantly over my shoulder" your back thrown over your shoulder? did you mean back pack? or bag?
Anyways, it was pretty good. Keep up the good work.
well it's not bad. It has a very good story line, but it's a bit unrealistic. No one would die in two days after being diagnoized with something... it might of been better if you would of diagnoized her with Lukemia and gave her a couple months. More realistic ^^.
Some of you sentances are a bit choppy as well. and some don't make sense, such as: "as I walked along with my back thrown nonchalantly over my shoulder" your back thrown over your shoulder? did you mean back pack? or bag?
Anyways, it was pretty good. Keep up the good work.
12/8/2003 c1 31Circus
Hey! This was a great story idea. The first-person veiw really added to the effect of it.
You're lucky; my first completely original fiction was much more errored than yours had turned out to be. Unfortunately, there are a lot of things that could be fixed to make it better.
The story moves too fast; try more description, it helps in all forms of writing and adds style to your work. Try more dialogue, as well; there is very little of it in this story. It adds perspective for all of the characters.
Try stretching the girl's time limit to at least a few months; completely dormant, lethal viruses are truly hard to come by, and 48 hours is a very short about of time. Using a disease like cancer, very advanced and undetected, would be better and would give the girl a few months, perhaps a year, to work things out. There is no such thing as too much time to work with.
Finally, put all of your emotions into the story. I picked up almost no real emotional termoil at all; not even disbeleif. Try using stronger description; FEEL what she feels, and write it.
This was, again, and great idea for a story ^^ Keep it up.
Hey! This was a great story idea. The first-person veiw really added to the effect of it.
You're lucky; my first completely original fiction was much more errored than yours had turned out to be. Unfortunately, there are a lot of things that could be fixed to make it better.
The story moves too fast; try more description, it helps in all forms of writing and adds style to your work. Try more dialogue, as well; there is very little of it in this story. It adds perspective for all of the characters.
Try stretching the girl's time limit to at least a few months; completely dormant, lethal viruses are truly hard to come by, and 48 hours is a very short about of time. Using a disease like cancer, very advanced and undetected, would be better and would give the girl a few months, perhaps a year, to work things out. There is no such thing as too much time to work with.
Finally, put all of your emotions into the story. I picked up almost no real emotional termoil at all; not even disbeleif. Try using stronger description; FEEL what she feels, and write it.
This was, again, and great idea for a story ^^ Keep it up.