12/11/2003 c1 5VesrynPhar
This wasn't 'GREAT! 100% AMAZING!', but it was good, and enjoyable to read, I especially liked the stanza:
"Cold still grips me with her iron claws,
As words dribble off my listless skin"
I think it would be much improved if you lengthened it with a few breathtaking verses like that.
It started with a good clear rhythm, but got a little jumbled towards the end, from '' onwards. The lines themselves are good, but maybe you could try rearranging them. Something like:
'The rain still spills down my spine,
The heavy clouds are gathering.
Blank eyes are forever watching
As the Raven hovers ever near
Those noises still echo in my ears,
Cold still grips me with her iron claws,
As words dribble off my listless skin
Guardian of my fear.
Accept what you see,
As they always did,
And never know that,
That rain is still dripping,
Is still dripping down my spine.'
Or something. Whatever you do, this is a good piece of work, which you should be happy to have created, and with a few edits here and there I think it could be great. Good luck, keep writing.