for Killing Quillan1/25/2004 c6 
30Roadside Dryer
Oh oh, update soon! Who is it? Who? Who? I wanna know, update soon!Thanks for the reviews! *smilies for you* I will update soon! You update soon, great job,.
30Roadside DryerOh oh, update soon! Who is it? Who? Who? I wanna know, update soon!Thanks for the reviews! *smilies for you* I will update soon! You update soon, great job,.
1/24/2004 c6 7neunundneunzig
This chapter stands out to me for some reason; it's very well organized. At the end, instead of a semi-colon, go all the way and make it a REAL colon.
Heh.
Anyway, very nice descriptors as usual. Careful not to repeat yourself. Sometimes that becomes a problem, but not in this case. So all in all, very better than average chapter.
7neunundneunzigThis chapter stands out to me for some reason; it's very well organized. At the end, instead of a semi-colon, go all the way and make it a REAL colon.
Heh.
Anyway, very nice descriptors as usual. Careful not to repeat yourself. Sometimes that becomes a problem, but not in this case. So all in all, very better than average chapter.
1/13/2004 c5 34Iris Devine
I always get suspicious when people stay overnight at work; is Doug cheating on Anevay?
34Iris DevineI always get suspicious when people stay overnight at work; is Doug cheating on Anevay?
1/13/2004 c4 Iris Devine
TYPO!
"I heard on of his heavy kitchen"
on should be one
The part about Doug masturbating was kinda gross and creepy, but if it has something to do with the plot later, I would leave it. If you just put it in for the gross-out effect, though, take it out. I can imagine it having a few possible purposes, so I'm assuming you've got something in mind.
Anevay sure does bite her tongue a lot...
TYPO!
"I heard on of his heavy kitchen"
on should be one
The part about Doug masturbating was kinda gross and creepy, but if it has something to do with the plot later, I would leave it. If you just put it in for the gross-out effect, though, take it out. I can imagine it having a few possible purposes, so I'm assuming you've got something in mind.
Anevay sure does bite her tongue a lot...
1/9/2004 c4 1Okami Hikage
'Teresting. ^^ I liked the dream sequence. It really lets the reader know that Anevay is, in fact, scared of Trent. XD Good work.
Sar
1Okami Hikage'Teresting. ^^ I liked the dream sequence. It really lets the reader know that Anevay is, in fact, scared of Trent. XD Good work.
Sar
1/9/2004 c4 7neunundneunzig
That was...interesting. A small subconscious concern about where the story is going, but I don't think I'll voice it at the moment. Anyway, good chapter, although it doesn't flow quite as well as the others. I do like how you skipped describing everything possible as I usually forget to do and that just makes the story long and boring and dumb. So good job. Hurry the hell up with the next chapter, bitch.
7neunundneunzigThat was...interesting. A small subconscious concern about where the story is going, but I don't think I'll voice it at the moment. Anyway, good chapter, although it doesn't flow quite as well as the others. I do like how you skipped describing everything possible as I usually forget to do and that just makes the story long and boring and dumb. So good job. Hurry the hell up with the next chapter, bitch.
1/8/2004 c4 30Roadside Dryer
Oh, good job. The M part was a little werid but... I think it would be really cool if you made Trent some how be like, the good guy..i don't know. After all it's your story so. Update soon on Paranoia.. I'm dying for more!
30Roadside DryerOh, good job. The M part was a little werid but... I think it would be really cool if you made Trent some how be like, the good guy..i don't know. After all it's your story so. Update soon on Paranoia.. I'm dying for more!
1/3/2004 c3 7neunundneunzig
Golly gee. I like this chapter. Trent appears to be quite intriguing. A few things...
"The counseler whom I spoke to..."
should be "The counseler to whom I spoke..."
I know that sounds kind of...too proper for the character's personality, but the other way is too wrong to ignore so...there you go.
I was a little concerned about the fact that nobody was with her in the room when she talked with Trent; I mean, the alarm was at least something but, as we've seen, she would have to get abused first before she'd have any reason to hit it. So I think you should up the security a little or have a guard standing closer by to make it more believable.
Otherwise, this was a very suspenceful and interesting chapter. Can't wait to read more.
7neunundneunzigGolly gee. I like this chapter. Trent appears to be quite intriguing. A few things...
"The counseler whom I spoke to..."
should be "The counseler to whom I spoke..."
I know that sounds kind of...too proper for the character's personality, but the other way is too wrong to ignore so...there you go.
I was a little concerned about the fact that nobody was with her in the room when she talked with Trent; I mean, the alarm was at least something but, as we've seen, she would have to get abused first before she'd have any reason to hit it. So I think you should up the security a little or have a guard standing closer by to make it more believable.
Otherwise, this was a very suspenceful and interesting chapter. Can't wait to read more.
1/3/2004 c2 neunundneunzig
Hoy. I like the labyrinth analogy in the middle; it's very easy to understand and allows the reader to observe the situation in a different light.
The plot flows very well in this story (so far) compared with others you've written. I think you've done a good job of separating these first two chapters in accordance to their tones. I often change the tone in the middle of a chapter and it doesn't come across the way it was meant to, so it's good that you didn't do that. Althought, an expereienced writer could probably do it effectively I guess. I don't think either one of us is that brilliant though (ha ha).
later.
Hoy. I like the labyrinth analogy in the middle; it's very easy to understand and allows the reader to observe the situation in a different light.
The plot flows very well in this story (so far) compared with others you've written. I think you've done a good job of separating these first two chapters in accordance to their tones. I often change the tone in the middle of a chapter and it doesn't come across the way it was meant to, so it's good that you didn't do that. Althought, an expereienced writer could probably do it effectively I guess. I don't think either one of us is that brilliant though (ha ha).
later.
1/3/2004 c1 neunundneunzig
I think this is probably some of your best work I've ever seen. Very impressed. Here's my contribution:
1) "I felt like a stranger in my own home"-Love that line, very good
2) "My glance fell on..."-for some reason I think that should be "upon". I think it just sounds better.
Anyway, great job. I'm looking forward to reading more of this one.
I think this is probably some of your best work I've ever seen. Very impressed. Here's my contribution:
1) "I felt like a stranger in my own home"-Love that line, very good
2) "My glance fell on..."-for some reason I think that should be "upon". I think it just sounds better.
Anyway, great job. I'm looking forward to reading more of this one.
12/30/2003 c3 1Okami Hikage
whoa. o.o Trent went bonk crazy! XD I like Trent. Weird charry to like, but I can really relate to the insane type. lol. Good chappie, can't wait for the rest!
Love,
Sar
1Okami Hikagewhoa. o.o Trent went bonk crazy! XD I like Trent. Weird charry to like, but I can really relate to the insane type. lol. Good chappie, can't wait for the rest!
Love,
Sar
12/30/2003 c3 30Roadside Dryer
Great, thank goodness u updated-I'm dieing of boardom! Wow, trent sounds like he lossed just one to many boalts in his head! Great job! Update soon.
30Roadside DryerGreat, thank goodness u updated-I'm dieing of boardom! Wow, trent sounds like he lossed just one to many boalts in his head! Great job! Update soon.
12/27/2003 c2 4enchanted-littlelies
Please update soon! I can't wait to see what happens! Keep up the great work!
4enchanted-littleliesPlease update soon! I can't wait to see what happens! Keep up the great work!
12/24/2003 c2 34Iris Devine
Anevay seems a little calm for the day after her father died... But she could just be in shock. So, it was flawless, dear :D
Slutluck,
SqueeGee
34Iris DevineAnevay seems a little calm for the day after her father died... But she could just be in shock. So, it was flawless, dear :D
Slutluck,
SqueeGee