for Warrior Souls5/22/2004 c4 
9Lomiel
'Ello, Mobius!
In case you were randomly wondering, I found my way to your stories from Calenine.
ANYWAY! Story. I like the prologue very, very much, namely because it's unusual. I kept waiting for the traditional fictionpress.com fantasy "and then one day..." and was pleasantly surprised when this didn't happen. Very well done.
Chapter one: bullying scenes are hard to pull off well, and you did a good job. Please, please use a new paragraph break for each new speaker! Anyway, this chapter ends very well, although the body of the paragraph goes by a little to quickly with too little description for me.
Chapter two: Description. I don't really understand or see clearly what happens in the first paragraph, plus I would like to see a (much) more detailed description of this Sword creature. (You don't like swords, do you? ^^) I like this creature (dragon?) already; he has a strong personality. Again, you ended this chapter well. Make your chapters longer and DESCRIBE your characters! What does Justin look like, anyway? You can slip in hair color, eye color, etc, when the reader isn't looking if you're careful by weaving it into the description of the action. Note a theme here? Describe!
Chapter three: Beautifully described, these Warrior Souls of yours. Intriguing idea. You have a VERY plot-driven story so far. Take the time to slow down your frantic pace and help me to see these fantastic creatures you've invented. Develop your characters; be careful that you have them grow and change throughout the story.
Well, loverly job so far. Grammar looks nice, punctuation too. Keep writing; it's the only way you'll find out what happens to all those little plot elements dancing through your brain.
Happy writing!
~Shimoyo Lomiel
9Lomiel'Ello, Mobius!
In case you were randomly wondering, I found my way to your stories from Calenine.
ANYWAY! Story. I like the prologue very, very much, namely because it's unusual. I kept waiting for the traditional fictionpress.com fantasy "and then one day..." and was pleasantly surprised when this didn't happen. Very well done.
Chapter one: bullying scenes are hard to pull off well, and you did a good job. Please, please use a new paragraph break for each new speaker! Anyway, this chapter ends very well, although the body of the paragraph goes by a little to quickly with too little description for me.
Chapter two: Description. I don't really understand or see clearly what happens in the first paragraph, plus I would like to see a (much) more detailed description of this Sword creature. (You don't like swords, do you? ^^) I like this creature (dragon?) already; he has a strong personality. Again, you ended this chapter well. Make your chapters longer and DESCRIBE your characters! What does Justin look like, anyway? You can slip in hair color, eye color, etc, when the reader isn't looking if you're careful by weaving it into the description of the action. Note a theme here? Describe!
Chapter three: Beautifully described, these Warrior Souls of yours. Intriguing idea. You have a VERY plot-driven story so far. Take the time to slow down your frantic pace and help me to see these fantastic creatures you've invented. Develop your characters; be careful that you have them grow and change throughout the story.
Well, loverly job so far. Grammar looks nice, punctuation too. Keep writing; it's the only way you'll find out what happens to all those little plot elements dancing through your brain.
Happy writing!
~Shimoyo Lomiel
1/24/2004 c4 13Anna-Elaine Castleman
Hi! I didn't really appreciate your little comment. My name is a combination of my mom's name, my step-mother's name and my great great grandmother's maiden name. Also, I really do like this story, and I am going to keep reading it whether you like it or not. If you don't want people who support Bush reading it and liking it, then don't post. You can't help what I think, no more than I can help you. Good story. Again, keep going!
13Anna-Elaine CastlemanHi! I didn't really appreciate your little comment. My name is a combination of my mom's name, my step-mother's name and my great great grandmother's maiden name. Also, I really do like this story, and I am going to keep reading it whether you like it or not. If you don't want people who support Bush reading it and liking it, then don't post. You can't help what I think, no more than I can help you. Good story. Again, keep going!
1/17/2004 c1 10mages-shade
I was kind of skeptical in the beginning of this beacuse of it's lack of deatails and overall droning sound. But by the end of the paragraphs I liked it. It makes me want to read more (which I probably will when I get a chance to)
10mages-shadeI was kind of skeptical in the beginning of this beacuse of it's lack of deatails and overall droning sound. But by the end of the paragraphs I liked it. It makes me want to read more (which I probably will when I get a chance to)
12/30/2003 c1 3Forsakn
Christ! I love this! Are you going to write more? Well.. please do. . Would make a great story.
3ForsaknChrist! I love this! Are you going to write more? Well.. please do. . Would make a great story.
12/30/2003 c1 Casey C
Sorry if that last review went through although I don't think it did. Fictionpress is being kind of annoying tonight.
Anyway...interesting beginning. I'm looking forward to more!
Sorry if that last review went through although I don't think it did. Fictionpress is being kind of annoying tonight.
Anyway...interesting beginning. I'm looking forward to more!