4/9/2004 c1 20Janelle MaCracken
I like the way the poem melts into the story. It makes it a very interesting read and keeps the dream-like quality I am assuming you were going for.
-Enter. Stage right.
Is a very clever line, wonderfully placed.
I also enjoyed the questions. Every few lines you'd throw one in.
Well done, I can't think of one thing to change. Maybe a couple of commas here and there, but nothing more.
-m

1/4/2004 c1 18desolus
Your descriptions of the dream-places are poetic, but then, I won't need to tell you this. Aware of it as you are. ^-^ I couldn't help but feel a calmness wash over me as I read, feeling the wheels in my head turn to supply the haziness of dreaming. It was beautifully written, not excessive but composed, lyrical, though the meaning behind the story confused me. But then, dreams aren't supposed to make sense.
Excellent! *cues Wayne and Garth*

1/2/2004 c1 8Kezkay
Never, ever, change this to a poem. What you have is perfect in its simplicity! To FORMAT it in a way to make it more PLEASING would just...ruin it.
I chuckled at the beginning, in a good way, about the play and the audience. There was certainly a feel of dreamish haze in the air, how all of your descriptions were soft and maleable (ex, velvet, poufs, shadow, soft relief).
I escpecially liked the change of a scene, for lack of a better word, with the very short words or phrases inbetween. The sudden changes were very dream-like, the inconsistency perfect, almost making me go into a quiet doze and daydream...(but I resisted so that you would have this review!).
I just LOVE the first paragraph of the desert sequence... You had the shifting sands, the soft moonlight, the colors (silver, purple) and the kind of just FEELING of forever empty space that always accompanies the landscape.
Also, this poem that intertwines with the dream itself is so -majestic- and perfect, and rather than taking away from the prose, instead adds to the liquidity (o, new word) of the dream-like state. Wow, that sentence made me seem smart to myself. The part about the vines, grass and temple was slightly confusing, however, this is about the reminiscence of a dream, so I'm not gonna talk more about it.
MM'mm, I like the use of Eden...the connotations that follow the word are like the extra chocolate flavor that flows in my mocha... Who is this "he" you're refering to? The guy who asks the questions? Is he the one from the beginning scene?
The dream left me with a slight melancholy tinge to my less-than-perfect evening, and as I sit at my dark computer desk... I am now hungry. Ugh, it's kind of useless to ask the "why" of dreams, so I won't question your ending. Just write more of these.
-Kez

1/2/2004 c1 1Mikael Angelique
Very lovely imagery. It does sound like a poem, but it is just fine as it is, I think. Good work!