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for Dawn Never Came

4/6/2004 c1 22Rubber Duckie13
this poem is written really well. i usually dont like rhyming poems but this one caught my attention...good job. keep on writing like this!
1/28/2004 c1 26esotericblood
Awesome ending. I loved the use of spaces between every pair. This was also very well written, nicely worded, and neatly rhymed. Good stuff
1/26/2004 c1 20Penny so Pretty
wo... this is good but really sorta um... i really don't know what it is. it's goodbut there's something about it...
1/25/2004 c1 26Scooz
ACK! Another good one *gets abit jealous* wow this one is sad too...Funny how I am attracted to those kinda poems. But the detail and the way you worded it was very well done and I really like this poem. Write on.
1/25/2004 c1 MindTear
hm, i'm going to review this as i read it, as i like to do. the first thing i notice is the rhyme scheme *groans*. i don't particularly like the words that do rhyme well... and get sick of them. Deciding to forgive this, because the english language sucks, i continue reading. Hrm, the periods at the end of some of the lines are unwarranted, such as the stanza "when eyes hit a light through this night." That's not really an entire phrase in itself... the other ones are forgivable, at least so far.
it begins to flow nicely... a job well done in the middle stanzas. the last three i don't like as much, sorry... the end didn't strike me as nearly as much as the envisioning of the life and the grief blurred image...
something about the puzzle and the depths of the heart, and the overly sudden transition into the taking of the life doesn't fit. perhaps it's the structure of it all, or the choppy descriptions, or the words rhymed... i dunno. it just isn't as eloquent/descriptive as the middle. all in all a good poem, although definitely not as good as your previous ones. (yes, i have read them, but it's nearly a waste of time to review good poetry. most of the time i simply ask questions...)
anyway, you're one of those rare writers that cares about their work, obviously. (i swear, some of the writers on here have the audacity to publish some really pathetic stuff). i hope to read more of your work later.
1/19/2004 c1 13idontusethisanymore
Really great premise... the imagery is really good. The only thing you could improve (well, I'm sure there's other things, but...) is that some of the rhymes seem forced.
Good job! :)
1/18/2004 c1 91Revesilhouette
That was incredible.
1/17/2004 c1 60QueenRemge13
Cool poem, thanks for the review I just put it up and like not twenty mintues later I get two reviews. Thankx a heap!
1/10/2004 c1 418Amethyst Horizon
wonderful! i loved it! great imagery!
1/10/2004 c1 38BranwenEithne
The emotion you expressed is extremely vivid and i loved it! The rythem falters a few times but overall it flows pretty well.
awesome work!
1/10/2004 c1 55Quoven
I swear I could have written this poem too. My emotions, my sorrow, my hopelessness...
1/10/2004 c1 95unjaundiced
one thing i can really say, exactly. but then again, the light seems so far away and so painful sometimes. we can't all make it. i like the rhythm though.
1/9/2004 c1 Jahn
Oh, BITCHIN! I've never been able to ryhme words good enough to toss together a decent traditional poem.
It reminds me of the period when I was depressed. This perfectly describes everything I felt. I love it.
1/9/2004 c1 6TheSilentO
Nice poem, it was really descriptive and evoked a great sense of desperation. Your choice of words really conveyed the message clearly.
"You try to regain relinquished pride,
but slink back in the shadow to hide."
That part stuck with me for some reason.I'm not sure why I liked it, but I did. And of course the ending was well written. Good stuff.
1/9/2004 c1 53destinee ariarti
hey hey
Wow...this poem has a really great rhythm, and the content isn't typical of a lot of standard depression type stuff I see. I am very impressed.
However, one way you can improve...you should really work to maintain the same rhythm throughout the poem so it 'flows' better. You generally did an excellent job of this, but there were several incidences when the feel of the rhythm was 'off'. (Particularly in this part...
"You know you were just looking above
at those enveloped in love."
I hope this helps, and keep writing, God has blessed you with such a talent for writing!
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