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1/10/2004 c1 27Morcar
The rhyme scheme in this is actually rather good, and as a way of portraying a confused and chaotic state of mind without sacrificing structure, the switch between rhymed and assonant verses works very well (that being said, I still think that "cut my skin with twists" is a bit of a dodgy rhyme)
The sentiment, unfortunately, is deeply self indulgant (boiling down as it does to "oh I am so hard done by, one day I'll kill myself and then you'll be sorry"). Now I don't deny that there are a fair old number of excellent poems that boil down to the same thing, but you need to be a fabulously good poet to get away with that sort of thing.
1/10/2004 c1 overanddonewith
Wow... very haunting. The rythem and tone are even and it flows perfectly.
Dark subject, but beautifully expressed. Brings my own thoughts into clearer focus.
Well done.

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