1/10/2004 c1 27Morcar
There's a couple of issues I have with this one. First and foremost, you really need to stop reaching for rhymes. Pretty much every verse ends weakly because you're giving more thought to finding a rhyme than actually rounding things off properly. Phrases like "to be left despaired" and "to keep it from getting whirled" are particularly iffy.
Your other major problem is that this poem singularly fails to live up to its claim. It does not "tell me what pain feels like" (which, incidentally, is a terribly risky claim to make, it seems to imply that you and only you know what it feels like to suffer. I doubt many people will appreciate the sentiment) instead you just go on about how much pain you, personally, are under.
Finally, there is a lovely saying (and I can't for the life of me remember who by right now) which goes like this: "If you want to write a story about guilt, you must never use the word guilt in the story". Similarly if you want to write a poem about pain, you shouldn't include the word "pain" in the poem. Saying "I'm in a lot of pain" doesn't tell me how much pain you're in.