1/16/2004 c1 4Kawaii Lara-Chan
first of all, your subject matter is very, very good and the way you develop the story poem along is quite well done. I love the repetition of the little boy, as a conformation of the adolescence for the addressee. I like the dual self-contemplation and the nation-contemplation (for lack of a better term) that the last stanza represents.
with that said:
there is one thing that irks me. Is there a reason that you felt a need to capitalize the first letter of every first line? if so, then great...but if not, then you've let microsoft word write something for you without cause...and anything without cause in poetry is wasteful. so, unless reasonably there, i would suggest de-capitalizing those letters :)
this is a very good piece of work, with major emotions throughout it taking considerable play throughout the piece.
however, there are really no poetic devices save poetic language in the piece, no metaphors or similies, personification, assonance, or illeteration. that really hurts it.
but overall, exceptional.
till next time,
lara-chan
p.s. thanks for the review on Sakura... just in case you were wondering, it means 'Cherry Blossom' in japanese :)