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3/2/2004 c7 Hacker Of Reality
pretty interesting path you've set the story along...
1/31/2004 c1 Caitlin
hey horselady
luv ur story its so awesome. i still have to read all the chapters i havent read yet and im still workin on it. ur writing is awesome way better than mine. well i g2g ashleys here
~*~Caitlin*Hair~*~
1/24/2004 c1 59Papillons Noirs
wow... this is really good... the only story of its length that I could read through and enjoy...
I agree, I'd like to see the poem in there...
thanks for the review. I'll check back on this story.
1/22/2004 c1 RoseAngel
Well, the story so far seems good, though I don't think she should have insulted her teacher, maybe explained in a patronizing sort of way and went back to her seat?
Wouldn't a tattoo parlor I.D her? If its a good one at least? Ones that don't run risks, like improperly cleaned needles and the like which is dangerous.
Have only read chapter one so far, will read more later.
The story shows a great deal of promise, with a bit of revising it could be truely marvelous.
1/22/2004 c7 45AngelLLY1
Very nice. I like the storyline alot. However there is something funny about the way it is written. And the introduction of characters is too fast. I really like it though. Its an awsome story~!
1/21/2004 c2 1megansafteryou
Two new chapters! BTW if you guys really want I'll post the poem with the story. Poetry is one of my favorite things to do but I thought it'd be too lenghty to add the poem if you don't exactly need it.
1/19/2004 c5 6Tamaku Songi
:-D this is pretty cool. i cant wait for more.
1/19/2004 c1 168SeaVoi
Sounds like she's got a bit of a mouth on her, If that is you poem thing, you should think about putting it by it self also, I know alot of people get turned off by read stories online, that is thier falt, but I get strained If I read to many. I enjoyed it! Bye! :) PS) thanks for the review!
1/19/2004 c1 NutMeg182
Hey guys. This is Megan also. I have two sns so I can sign my book twice in reference to other reviews. J/i/c I sign on this and talk to you, so you know who it is.
1/19/2004 c1 1megansafteryou
Thanks Negra. Especially for the punct. part. I never understand that. And as part of the whole history thing, I had to put it in so people get it. I don't like uniforms and since it's my school I left them out. And Odessa was not popular, just talked about a lot, 'cause she was a freak. Plus she was scared, he was a lot bigger and older. I really appreciate the humungo review. Bye
1/19/2004 c1 2La Paloma Negra
Odessa stood and angrily glared at the class around her. After so beautifully presenting her poem, she received zero applause and twenty eight questioning looks, including the teacher. She put the paper on the teacher's redwood desk, scowled around with pursed lips, and said.
"My poem, "Pebble" is supposed to teach people a little lesson about the origin of something incredibly ordinary. This is the aspiring author's class, is it not? But apparently, it's just more nimrods," Odessa turned on her heel and faced Professor Norangum "Oh, and especially you." She made a half turn, her purple skirt swirling, and walked out of her seventh grade classroom.
I would have started with the actual poem - unless, of course, poetry isn't your forte. If she stood when she was presenting it, then the opening phrase "Odessa stood" is redundant. Perhaps allude to Odessa standing already; readers don't like to be hit over the head with things. And there are several punctuation and dialogue problems that need to be corrected throughout the work. I have chosen this paragraph as a prime example, so I won't have to repeat myself. "After so beautifully presenting her poem" seems a bit biased. If you -had- put the poem in, you could have let the readers make that decision for themselves; they don't like to be told things.
On to the subject of your punctuation and dialogue, which is a pet peeve of mine. If you are quoting something in a sentence (such as the title of a poem), you don't put it in the " marks. You use the ' marks, or italicize/underline it (not both!). And when you quote something, you always put a comma inside the punctuation marks. Like:
"My poem, 'Pebble,' blah..."
"My poem, "Pebble" is supposed to teach people a little lesson about the origin of something incredibly ordinary. This is the aspiring author's class, is it not? But apparently, it's just more nimrods," Odessa turned on her heel and faced Professor Norangum "Oh, and especially you."
There's too much about this. Instead of telling you, I'll edit it.
"My poem, 'Pebble,' is supposed to teach people a little lesson about the origin of something incredibly ordinary. this is the aspiring author's class, is it not? But apparently, it's just more nimrods." Odessa turned on her heel and faced Professor Norangum. "Oh, and especially you."
I have a question: If it -was- the aspiring author's class, wouldn't they get it? Wouldn't they understand, not have to be hit over the head and called nimrods?
Not to mention calling her -teacher- one. These are big words for a child, and calling them nimrods doesn't make it lighter. It adds a juvenile feel.
Also, "half turn" puts one in mind of a dance step. She's ticked, so I would have gone with a more militant "about face" - just little things in word choice and syntax that really add to the feel of a story.
"Is there one person in this world who cares to tap into me, beyond my appearance?" She strolled through the deserted hallways stomping her clogs, and causing many teachers to close their doors. Once reaching her dormitory on the fourth floor, she flipped open her trunk and stared into the square green mirror she'd had placed there for the last month. A girl with long black hair and green eyes stared back. She smiled sarcastically, revealing sparkling white teeth and no cavity fillings. Indeed she was very beautiful, but no one thought she was worthy of an opinion because of the tattoo on her right arm. The flaming red rose was something she had gotten when she was going through what could be called depression, because her parents divorced and she was living with her grandmother.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! There are -boys- in this school. They are NOT gonna tease a girl that pretty. Nuh-uh. And, how can one smile sarcastically? Any thing sarcastic is more of a grin, really. Don't boarding schools have uniforms, too, for the most part? Chicks with tattoos get a lot of attention. Especially if it's colored.
"...what could be called depression..." ? What can be called depression other than depression? That's way too wordy. And the next phrase is too much backstory all at once. Not really any way to salvage that; delete it.
Of course her grandmother cared not about the girl's health, and had let her go gallivanting off to a party one night. Neither of them knew it was a make out party. A sixteen year old boy had cornered her and put her in the car after he had had one too many drinks. Though most people expect this situation always leads to a crash, he made her drive, because he'd heard the tall eleven year old could. They went to a tattoo parlor and told her to pick one out, that he would pay for it. And so she obliged, and had the rose put on her right shoulder. That was a year ago, and she was still paying for it. But after the tattoo, she drove him to a local Baskin Robbins, they had root beer floats, and decided to go steady.
"her grandmother cared not about the girl's health" sounds flowery and medieval. It just doesn't fit with the way this piece goes. Same with "gallivanting" - it puts me in mind of a horse, gallivanting through the woods. Oh, wait, that's galloping. And, "neither of them knew it was a makeout party"? Oh, please. You -can- choose not to fuck everyone in sight at parties. There's a choice. And, NO ONE would just throw her in a car and say, "Come on, babe, I'm five years older than you, but you can drive, and we'll go get you a nice little tattoo!"
If I'd been Odessa, I would've stopped the car.
"...he'd heard the tall eleven year old could." It makes one assume she was popular, and wonder what happened to her to make her the way she is now. Good job.
I don't have any more time left on the computer, or else I'd write more. But, I will review your chapters the next time I sign on!
La Paloma Negra
1/18/2004 c4 Hacker Of Reality
Interesting story, thanks for reviewing my stuff... its not the type of thing I'd usually read, but thats cuz I'm into fantasy stuff more so... still I plan to keep reading
1/18/2004 c4 7Jolly Jeff
Interesting...I can't really detect a plot yet, but I like the writing style.
1/18/2004 c4 Alex
this is a great story so far and i can't wait for the next chapters!
1/17/2004 c3 5Derrot
I like your story! I hope Odessa gets revenge on Maryanna! Keep up the good work!
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