for The Book of Starguard9/14/2006 c18 Jasper Riddle
w00t! Another update-does this mean you might slip into something like a regular schedule?
Anywho, it was a good chapter. There were a few opportunities that you rather skipped out on, one being the skeletal riders. You had decent imagery there, enough that I could visualize the beasts and burdens, but you really could have expanded upon that. It went by too quickly and you lost the opportunity for amazing description.
Moving along those lines, please don't make the weather mimic what's going on. Keep the skies bright and cheery-it'll make what's going on seem that much more out-of-place and dreadfully wrong. You can make the crisp breeze seem suddenly more chill but don't make the skies cloud over, please.
And finally, you tell too much. Don't just say that Everen is getting moodier-write Kit's attempt at conversation and show him shrugging and giving monosyllabic replies. And if he's on the lookout for an attack, it's not likely that he's going to doze off while riding on a horse. Getting lost in thought pondering over what might happen is much more likely.
I don't mean to be overcritical. I just thought that this story deserves a good CC and I like to give those. This story is holding up very well thus far, but you can add so much! I like this story, otherwise I wouldn't have bothered CCing! Keep it up and update soon, please!
w00t! Another update-does this mean you might slip into something like a regular schedule?
Anywho, it was a good chapter. There were a few opportunities that you rather skipped out on, one being the skeletal riders. You had decent imagery there, enough that I could visualize the beasts and burdens, but you really could have expanded upon that. It went by too quickly and you lost the opportunity for amazing description.
Moving along those lines, please don't make the weather mimic what's going on. Keep the skies bright and cheery-it'll make what's going on seem that much more out-of-place and dreadfully wrong. You can make the crisp breeze seem suddenly more chill but don't make the skies cloud over, please.
And finally, you tell too much. Don't just say that Everen is getting moodier-write Kit's attempt at conversation and show him shrugging and giving monosyllabic replies. And if he's on the lookout for an attack, it's not likely that he's going to doze off while riding on a horse. Getting lost in thought pondering over what might happen is much more likely.
I don't mean to be overcritical. I just thought that this story deserves a good CC and I like to give those. This story is holding up very well thus far, but you can add so much! I like this story, otherwise I wouldn't have bothered CCing! Keep it up and update soon, please!
8/4/2006 c17 
13Walking in Xanadu
This is a great story because a) it's interesting, b) it isn't like any other story I've read, and c) the characters are realistic in that they bicker and such. Please keep writing!
13Walking in XanaduThis is a great story because a) it's interesting, b) it isn't like any other story I've read, and c) the characters are realistic in that they bicker and such. Please keep writing!
8/3/2006 c17 Jasper Riddle
It's about time! I had almost given up on this story! T-T
Much love for another good chapter! What pleases me the most is that even though it's been a long time, I can still remember who most all the characters are, what the plot is, what's going on-if I couldn't recall all that I may as well have stopped reading, eh?
I can hardly wait for more, so you had better keep writing and update soon, or I might start bothering you via email!
It's about time! I had almost given up on this story! T-T
Much love for another good chapter! What pleases me the most is that even though it's been a long time, I can still remember who most all the characters are, what the plot is, what's going on-if I couldn't recall all that I may as well have stopped reading, eh?
I can hardly wait for more, so you had better keep writing and update soon, or I might start bothering you via email!
3/30/2006 c10 16RuathaWehrling
Greetings again!
1.) Lovely man, the dark lord. I couldn't find anything wrong with that section. -sigh- My little red e-pen is getting SO bored!
2.) "Ket was asleep still, her blanket pulled close around her. She muttered something darkly and rolled over." - Wait. You said she was asleep, then she was talking. Make up your mind, girl! ;)
3.) "Everen fished out an immaculate handkerchief" - This is really anal, but since he was sick all day yesterday and it was pouring rain (thus making washing impossible), would his hanky really still be "immaculate"?
4.) "Demian Ashur, last of the Elfsbane, come." - Err.. Aren't they about 5 feet from the edge of a very large battle now? Wouldn't he wait to do this until he'd escaped to safety?
5.) " He knew that the wrong answer would result in his rather untimely demise." - The wrong answer to what? No question has been asked.
Nice chapter. It's interesting to see that Lyon hasn't told his father about the Ashur. Also, what exactly does it mean to BE an "Ashur"? (If you explained it in a previous chapter and I've forgotten, I apologize!) And I'm not really big into action scenes, myself, so I don't have any real advice to give there, I'm afraid.
Good work! Be back for more later! -Ruatha
16RuathaWehrlingGreetings again!
1.) Lovely man, the dark lord. I couldn't find anything wrong with that section. -sigh- My little red e-pen is getting SO bored!
2.) "Ket was asleep still, her blanket pulled close around her. She muttered something darkly and rolled over." - Wait. You said she was asleep, then she was talking. Make up your mind, girl! ;)
3.) "Everen fished out an immaculate handkerchief" - This is really anal, but since he was sick all day yesterday and it was pouring rain (thus making washing impossible), would his hanky really still be "immaculate"?
4.) "Demian Ashur, last of the Elfsbane, come." - Err.. Aren't they about 5 feet from the edge of a very large battle now? Wouldn't he wait to do this until he'd escaped to safety?
5.) " He knew that the wrong answer would result in his rather untimely demise." - The wrong answer to what? No question has been asked.
Nice chapter. It's interesting to see that Lyon hasn't told his father about the Ashur. Also, what exactly does it mean to BE an "Ashur"? (If you explained it in a previous chapter and I've forgotten, I apologize!) And I'm not really big into action scenes, myself, so I don't have any real advice to give there, I'm afraid.
Good work! Be back for more later! -Ruatha
3/28/2006 c9 RuathaWehrling
Greetings! :) I'm back!
1.) "he could go ride with the Grand High Sniffler." - Haha! Good to see Everen isn't getting much sympathy.
2.) "digging around in his pockets for a handkerchief." - He just changed clothes. How likely is it that he's going to have a hanky (at least a dry one) stuffed in his pockets?
3.) "When I had the time to and after I had escaped my mother's lectures" - This is kind of awkward.
4.) "That pendant of yours is an indicator" - An indicator of WHAT? That she's to go along on his quest? That she IS the princess? Be clearer here, please.
5.) "Elves, even half-elves, have the power of choice. An elvish choice is an extremely potent thing." - Cool phrase!
6.) "Everen. Evéren. Eve?en" - Is the last one of these a typo?
7.) "I've seen some pretty impure snow in my time." - Haha!
Good chapter, but I'm a little confused about Mesenth. Is he good, evil, or just working for himself? Not that you should necessarily tell us that yet (if it's a surprise), but it'd be nice if Everen et al were wondering about it. Everen just seems to accept the fact that his friend(?) is being random, but I can't see how Ket and Bark would!
I've got to run now, but I'll be back for more later. Thanks and take care! -Ruatha
Greetings! :) I'm back!
1.) "he could go ride with the Grand High Sniffler." - Haha! Good to see Everen isn't getting much sympathy.
2.) "digging around in his pockets for a handkerchief." - He just changed clothes. How likely is it that he's going to have a hanky (at least a dry one) stuffed in his pockets?
3.) "When I had the time to and after I had escaped my mother's lectures" - This is kind of awkward.
4.) "That pendant of yours is an indicator" - An indicator of WHAT? That she's to go along on his quest? That she IS the princess? Be clearer here, please.
5.) "Elves, even half-elves, have the power of choice. An elvish choice is an extremely potent thing." - Cool phrase!
6.) "Everen. Evéren. Eve?en" - Is the last one of these a typo?
7.) "I've seen some pretty impure snow in my time." - Haha!
Good chapter, but I'm a little confused about Mesenth. Is he good, evil, or just working for himself? Not that you should necessarily tell us that yet (if it's a surprise), but it'd be nice if Everen et al were wondering about it. Everen just seems to accept the fact that his friend(?) is being random, but I can't see how Ket and Bark would!
I've got to run now, but I'll be back for more later. Thanks and take care! -Ruatha
3/7/2006 c8 RuathaWehrling
Hi! I had to go back and reread this again to remember what was going on, but now I'm caught up to here. One thing I noticed on the re-read was that you use phrases like "nowhere else on Earth" (etc), which sound a little odd in this piece. After all, we're not really ON Earth, are we? You might want to make up a name for your planet and alter such comments accordingly.
And now, for this chapter..
1.) "What do you need to say?" - Unlike the previous sentence, this sounds very colloquial. If you want to sound more formal/archaic, consider: "What have you to say?" or something.
2.) "Your heart know of that to which the eyes are blind" - "knows". Also consider using parallelism: "your heart; your eyes" (instead of "the eyes).
3.) "I though you said she was a nice girl" - Typo: "thought"
4.) ""Is that a question, Karl?" Baelara asked." - Hehe. Good writing of Karl's training. Very realistic. One question, though: how old is Karl? 12? 20? It makes a difference.
5.) You might want to have Aren thank the healers. I know she's short tempered, but it seems like something she'd do, once their work was done.
Good job! And there's nothing wrong with character development chapters! Certainly, it's much worse to have all action and no character development at all!
I've got to go to a meeting now, but I'll be back to read more later! Thanks for the chapter, and I hope you won't give up on this story! It's really quite entertaining and intriguing. -Ruatha
Hi! I had to go back and reread this again to remember what was going on, but now I'm caught up to here. One thing I noticed on the re-read was that you use phrases like "nowhere else on Earth" (etc), which sound a little odd in this piece. After all, we're not really ON Earth, are we? You might want to make up a name for your planet and alter such comments accordingly.
And now, for this chapter..
1.) "What do you need to say?" - Unlike the previous sentence, this sounds very colloquial. If you want to sound more formal/archaic, consider: "What have you to say?" or something.
2.) "Your heart know of that to which the eyes are blind" - "knows". Also consider using parallelism: "your heart; your eyes" (instead of "the eyes).
3.) "I though you said she was a nice girl" - Typo: "thought"
4.) ""Is that a question, Karl?" Baelara asked." - Hehe. Good writing of Karl's training. Very realistic. One question, though: how old is Karl? 12? 20? It makes a difference.
5.) You might want to have Aren thank the healers. I know she's short tempered, but it seems like something she'd do, once their work was done.
Good job! And there's nothing wrong with character development chapters! Certainly, it's much worse to have all action and no character development at all!
I've got to go to a meeting now, but I'll be back to read more later! Thanks for the chapter, and I hope you won't give up on this story! It's really quite entertaining and intriguing. -Ruatha
12/20/2005 c16 Storyteller2007
It makes me sad to think you are going to delete this story. It was so fun and original. I will miss it. ;_;
It makes me sad to think you are going to delete this story. It was so fun and original. I will miss it. ;_;
9/28/2005 c16 Caprice Legerdemain
Sorry for not logging in.
...but she was a veritable fountAIN of gossip. Caught the misspelling.
How dare you take so long in putting up a new chapter! Do you have any Idea how delighted I was to see a new chapter up? I was like: "StarGuard updated! YAY!"
Don't make me wait that long again. Or I will hunt you down with my Spatula von Doom and make you write a new chappie.
Sorry for not logging in.
...but she was a veritable fountAIN of gossip. Caught the misspelling.
How dare you take so long in putting up a new chapter! Do you have any Idea how delighted I was to see a new chapter up? I was like: "StarGuard updated! YAY!"
Don't make me wait that long again. Or I will hunt you down with my Spatula von Doom and make you write a new chappie.
8/15/2005 c7 RuathaWehrling
Hi there! It's been awhile, I know. But I'm back now! :)
1.) "Where on earth could she be?" - Alright, so I admit this is a geeky space-freak sort of thing, but "earth" (lower case) means "dirt" and "Earth" (upper case) is the name of our planet. Thus, in this case, you should be using the upper case form. Although... are they actually ON Earth?
2.) "No one knew what their master were going to do" - "was" not "were".
3.) "There is not much one can say to that." - You might want to put this into past tense, since the rest of the chapter is.
4.) "the most downtrodden of passersby sported an indulgent smile as the rode past" - Typo: "they" not "the"
5.) Melié and Glen. Random new characters?
6.) ""Me, either," Ket moaned" - Technically, this should be "neither" since it's related to "NOT used to". But since it's dialogue, you can get away with imperfect grammar if you want!
7.) Haha! I love the fact that Everen doesn't trust Ket to start a fire, or cook! :)
8.) "The two stopped about half a mile downstream" - So far? Why'd they go so far?
Very nice! Good, quick background on Bark and a bit on Everen. Oh, and don't worry about the lack of action. You filled the space well with character development and entertaining dialogue, and sometimes that's more important. And usually, it's more difficult to make feel natural than "action" is, anyhow! :) Well done! -Ruatha
Hi there! It's been awhile, I know. But I'm back now! :)
1.) "Where on earth could she be?" - Alright, so I admit this is a geeky space-freak sort of thing, but "earth" (lower case) means "dirt" and "Earth" (upper case) is the name of our planet. Thus, in this case, you should be using the upper case form. Although... are they actually ON Earth?
2.) "No one knew what their master were going to do" - "was" not "were".
3.) "There is not much one can say to that." - You might want to put this into past tense, since the rest of the chapter is.
4.) "the most downtrodden of passersby sported an indulgent smile as the rode past" - Typo: "they" not "the"
5.) Melié and Glen. Random new characters?
6.) ""Me, either," Ket moaned" - Technically, this should be "neither" since it's related to "NOT used to". But since it's dialogue, you can get away with imperfect grammar if you want!
7.) Haha! I love the fact that Everen doesn't trust Ket to start a fire, or cook! :)
8.) "The two stopped about half a mile downstream" - So far? Why'd they go so far?
Very nice! Good, quick background on Bark and a bit on Everen. Oh, and don't worry about the lack of action. You filled the space well with character development and entertaining dialogue, and sometimes that's more important. And usually, it's more difficult to make feel natural than "action" is, anyhow! :) Well done! -Ruatha
6/9/2005 c15 Caprice Legerdemain
Congrats on 20 pages! I've been waiting FOREVER for you to update and I'm delighted a new chappie's up! YAY!BTW-the ending's not all that bad. Seems like a decent place to stop in my mind.Keep writing-I LOVE IT!
Congrats on 20 pages! I've been waiting FOREVER for you to update and I'm delighted a new chappie's up! YAY!BTW-the ending's not all that bad. Seems like a decent place to stop in my mind.Keep writing-I LOVE IT!
3/4/2005 c6 RuathaWehrling
Heya! Wow - I forgot about this story! Sorry about that. Allow me to review now, to make up for my slacking a bit. :)
1.) "Can I have a hand here?" - Who says this? Ket? But... she's "just barely conscious", according to the first paragraph! She couldn't be talking!
2.) "the girl had an extremely low pain tolerance level " - This contradicts with the phrase: "she didn't seem to be in too much pain or was quite adept at hiding it". Is she badly hurt, or not? Is she in pain, or not? Make up your mind! :)
3.) "While speaking, Everen had sat " - just "sat (down)", not "had sat", since he's doing it presently ("while speaking").
4.) Why is Everen in such a hurry to leave? I mean, he's got a cream to keep Ket's wounds from festering, and she's clearly doing ok (at least from her part of the dialogue). Why not rest a night, instead of trying a risky maneuver which might not work? I know you tried to explain this somewhat, but it didn't come through very clearly. You might want to be more obvious, if you can.
5.) " "I'm not sure" was the faintly troubled answer." - Comma after "sure".
6.) Wait! Did he GET magic from her? It seemed like she repelled him! Be more clear, please!
7.) Wait! How'd the duke get here, 45 miles away, in a matter of minutes? He shouldn't even have been able to send a message that quickly, even if he HAD known exactly where they were going, which he couldn't have! With no explanation, this is implausible, so you really need to tell us how he might have done it! Or else have the characters act just as confused as we readers are!
8.) "Y' be holdin' up honest, hard-workin' farmers if 'em horses o' yours don't move" - When did they stop? Last you mentioned it, they were walking their horses, which ought to be fast enough compared to an old pony pulling a cart...
9.) "Somebody should puncture that over-inflated ego of his" - Haha! Yes, well, Ket, I think that's YOUR job!
10.) Aren't they supposed to be hurrying? Then why are they standing still all this time? Oh - and also, why didn't Everen just 'Ride' them there, like before?
11.) "Well, isn't this mature" - Question mark!
12.) Oh! Snazzy ending!
Alrighty. Good chapter, once again, although there were a few minor details (mentioned above) that could use a little more explaining. You've probably got answers for them already, but you just need to transfer them from your mind to the page, please. :)
I noticed one oddity, this chapter. I'm not sure if you've done it before or not, but I figure I'll mention it. You almost NEVER have three-way (or more) conversations, even when the circumstances allow for it. You'll throw in "extra" characters' voices occasionally, but only as asides (like the "I am not smart-mouthed!" discussion between Bark and Ket). There's nothing wrong with it, but it's kind of weird and I was wondering if you realized you were doing it. *shrug* Now you know!
Thanks and take care -Ruatha
Heya! Wow - I forgot about this story! Sorry about that. Allow me to review now, to make up for my slacking a bit. :)
1.) "Can I have a hand here?" - Who says this? Ket? But... she's "just barely conscious", according to the first paragraph! She couldn't be talking!
2.) "the girl had an extremely low pain tolerance level " - This contradicts with the phrase: "she didn't seem to be in too much pain or was quite adept at hiding it". Is she badly hurt, or not? Is she in pain, or not? Make up your mind! :)
3.) "While speaking, Everen had sat " - just "sat (down)", not "had sat", since he's doing it presently ("while speaking").
4.) Why is Everen in such a hurry to leave? I mean, he's got a cream to keep Ket's wounds from festering, and she's clearly doing ok (at least from her part of the dialogue). Why not rest a night, instead of trying a risky maneuver which might not work? I know you tried to explain this somewhat, but it didn't come through very clearly. You might want to be more obvious, if you can.
5.) " "I'm not sure" was the faintly troubled answer." - Comma after "sure".
6.) Wait! Did he GET magic from her? It seemed like she repelled him! Be more clear, please!
7.) Wait! How'd the duke get here, 45 miles away, in a matter of minutes? He shouldn't even have been able to send a message that quickly, even if he HAD known exactly where they were going, which he couldn't have! With no explanation, this is implausible, so you really need to tell us how he might have done it! Or else have the characters act just as confused as we readers are!
8.) "Y' be holdin' up honest, hard-workin' farmers if 'em horses o' yours don't move" - When did they stop? Last you mentioned it, they were walking their horses, which ought to be fast enough compared to an old pony pulling a cart...
9.) "Somebody should puncture that over-inflated ego of his" - Haha! Yes, well, Ket, I think that's YOUR job!
10.) Aren't they supposed to be hurrying? Then why are they standing still all this time? Oh - and also, why didn't Everen just 'Ride' them there, like before?
11.) "Well, isn't this mature" - Question mark!
12.) Oh! Snazzy ending!
Alrighty. Good chapter, once again, although there were a few minor details (mentioned above) that could use a little more explaining. You've probably got answers for them already, but you just need to transfer them from your mind to the page, please. :)
I noticed one oddity, this chapter. I'm not sure if you've done it before or not, but I figure I'll mention it. You almost NEVER have three-way (or more) conversations, even when the circumstances allow for it. You'll throw in "extra" characters' voices occasionally, but only as asides (like the "I am not smart-mouthed!" discussion between Bark and Ket). There's nothing wrong with it, but it's kind of weird and I was wondering if you realized you were doing it. *shrug* Now you know!
Thanks and take care -Ruatha
2/27/2005 c14 20Qu33n of Spades
Yum. Fun times. :)
I love how Bark can see magic... Yay for Bark! *hugs for Bark*
It took me a second to remember what's going on... but that's because I haven't read in a while.
I demand that you DO get Chap 15 before Easter... yay! *lol*
20Qu33n of SpadesYum. Fun times. :)
I love how Bark can see magic... Yay for Bark! *hugs for Bark*
It took me a second to remember what's going on... but that's because I haven't read in a while.
I demand that you DO get Chap 15 before Easter... yay! *lol*
2/1/2005 c14 6Meitora
I'm frightfully glad you updated - I was starting to lose hope. A slow chapter, yes, but those are necessary. My only criticism is rather mild - children are far better at learning languages than adults, so the comment about "especially at her young age" is false. Other than that, the dialogue was well-grounded and cleanly written. Lovely. Aroo!
6MeitoraI'm frightfully glad you updated - I was starting to lose hope. A slow chapter, yes, but those are necessary. My only criticism is rather mild - children are far better at learning languages than adults, so the comment about "especially at her young age" is false. Other than that, the dialogue was well-grounded and cleanly written. Lovely. Aroo!
12/22/2004 c13 Catalina Rowana
And you yelled at me for taking long to update...Hmph...that was hint Lady. Get stepping. I want more to read now that I have the time to do it!
Cat
And you yelled at me for taking long to update...Hmph...that was hint Lady. Get stepping. I want more to read now that I have the time to do it!
Cat