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for The Girl Next Door

3/10/2004 c10 9Tharla
I don’t understand why he doesn’t fight back when Wayne “punishes” him. He should be smart by now, he knows that he should fight back. What was he doing with his hands/arms when Wayne was spanking him? Also, why hasn’t he taped the beatings that go on in that house and shown the police? That seems like the logical thing to do, and any kid should know that. Also, he doesn’t tell his parents or show his brother or anything. I don’t see why he wouldn’t if he was really worried, he’d try to get help for Erika.
3/10/2004 c8 Tharla
I don’t understand why Erika would go out so easily. If someone had never been outside and had been punished many times as she has been, she wouldn’t have gone outside just because someone asks her to, even after some convincing. It just isn’t logical. I do like how you made her stronger though-she is a lot stronger than he is. But the fact that the sky is more beautiful, I didn’t like that. I think he should have thought for the first time that a human is more beautiful than nature which surprises him or something of that sort.
3/10/2004 c6 Tharla
Very moving chapter but I do have a few problems with it. The point where she’s strung up to the ceiling, I was a bit confused as to how she hung up there. When you said, “tied the rope to the ceiling”, I wasn’t sure whether there was a hook or some sort of other way for her to be tied up. Also, you would think that if this happened to her normally, she would always do her homework-it seems like it would be more powerful if she was punished for something more simple, maybe for not doing something the moment he says or something like that.
3/10/2004 c5 Tharla
A few questions in this chapter. The hairy spider-was that 4 years ago? I thought some time had passed between the spider and the dream he had. I'm confused as to the timeline of this thing. One other complaint is that when he talks to Erika, they're conversation seems to be completely devoid of emotion. She wants him to come back and help her and he agrees, but neither of them seem to be too emotional about it, which is weird at that moment. It would be better if you maybe said, "please come back and help me" she asked me desperately. "of course i will" I said soothingly...or something of that sort. Then have him run to the laundry room, scared that he was going to be caught again.
Other than that, this story is great. It sucks that I have to go to class but I'll continue reading it later.
3/10/2004 c4 Tharla
Wow-it's a great story so far. I love the imagery in the dream last chapter and this chapter was really exciting-I got interrupted while reading and couldn't wait to get back and read more. The one question I have though is in the last chapter you say he had the dream at 11 years old but in this chapter, 4 years pass and he's not 7 anymore, but 11. How old is he? And how old are you supposed to be in high school because I know here, you're at least 14.
Great story though, I'm really enjoying it, you're very talented. =)
3/10/2004 c1 Tharla
Great first chapter-it starts off with a comedic twist then moves on to a more "drama-ful" story line. The plot seems to be leading somewhere and the end was definately a cliff-hanger. I can't say much about this chapter but I'll definately review the next few...Just wanted to say, great job with the beginning of the story.
And thanks for reviewing my story-I know it's a pretty typical story, but I've never written fiction before so it's really hard for me.
3/8/2004 c17 136Elliptical Shapes
Wow man, you're a really good writer, i WILL read your other stories, and i can't wait to.
Alan.
3/7/2004 c17 Ruairidh
Wow. The ending was such a shock. I really didn't see it coming. Not at all. Amazing story though. Especially awesome was the character developement. Good job, two thumbs up, and whatever else they say :) I'll have to read your other stuff when I have more time.
3/6/2004 c15 Ruairidh
Hey, awesome chapters. I loved the description of the ice cube in the first paragraph. It was very. . . I dunno. It just stuck out to me and it was really beautiful. Update soon!
3/2/2004 c12 Ruairidh
"athlete's butt". That made me smile :) I like how you've made Keith's character mature and grow throughout the story. Very believable. At the beginning, he was just this little kid but now he is maturing and seeing things in a different perspective. It makes him more real. Anyway. . . I think I'm rambling so I will end this now. Good job and updated soon!
3/2/2004 c12 24katmonkey
Another great chapter! Update soon!
*lime-girl*
2/29/2004 c11 31BleedingClowns13
wow...this is kinda a fucked up story man...w/this whole pig deal shit. Iunno, I hope that kid saves tha girl. Her dad or w/e needs some help heh. Anyways, update soon, I wanna find out what happens.
-Mandy-
2/29/2004 c11 24katmonkey
This is a great story. Update soon :)
*lime-girl*
2/29/2004 c10 katmonkey
I hope that Keith helps Erika.
*lime-girl*
2/29/2004 c9 katmonkey
lol
*lime-girl*
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