Just In
for Lane with Poplar Trees

7/15/2004 c1 6Ahrar Nighthammer
CD, this is great stuff. I don't know why I had never read it before. I love your stuff. You should keep putting up short stuff like this. It is SO GOOD.
(You given any thought to trying to publish those dragon shorts in a story collection? That would be really cool.)
Ok: this story...
I love the "you can borrow my paintbrush" line. That's cool, kinda like an older man passing on wisdom for life to a younger. This evokes all kinds of cool images about what it means to be alone, as well as cool stuff about long, lazy roads and autumns that leave the world barren and other such things.
This is really good. I would be tickled to death if you would keep putting SOMETHING on FP. And another dragon or phoenix story wouyld absolutely make my month.
Keep it up.
*I am yours to command, Milady.*
2/4/2004 c1 32Morbane
There are bits of this that are truly polished. The best aspect of your style, here, is where you've worked with repetition. 'I shall veil my face also'.
'as if Atlas finally gave up his duty and let the weight fall on your back'
NICE image.
I like the way you divert into the topic of painting.
I like the last few lines, like the way a CD track comes to an end (the repetition again).
Use of address "boy" is a little clich├ęd. It's distracting, partly because it adds a dialectic flavour that isn't really necessary. Or perhaps you had a reason for choosing it?
*too soon for you and me
(yes, I know it sounds less dramatic, but this is grammatically correct)
The idea of someone following him is interesting - was this implicit in the painting? If not, perhaps you could extrapolate more.
Watch over-description here. There is a slight tendency to be more fanciful than helps the pace of the piece.
Have you changed writing course, then? These painting exercises seem as if they must come from a different class than the one that went against your principles.

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