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6/1/2004 c1 4Annette Taylor
Hey, this is Patricia Dillard at AOAO, I found this URL link on the message boards and thought I'd come check out your stories, poems, etc...since I'm a member too! Anyways, I love this story! What happens next?
1/31/2004 c3 64Juliet Squared
This could be a good story. The storyline is a great one. However I have some tips to offer on how to make the actual writing better...
1) dialogue is not everything. You have a lot of talking and not a lot of action going on. It would be nice to know what is going on at the time that people are talking.
2) Description is another thing. It would be nice to know what these people in your story look like, what the surroundings are like...and then there's also describing feelings and emotions. Some things to improve on here: what does Crimson look like? (Don't describe her all in one clump of a paragraph- work it into an action, like running her fingers through her straightened auburn hair, or Her icy grey eyes bore right into his own brown eyes)
3) Don't describe something the same way over and over. It gets boring to the reader. Instead, show that James is 'pig-headed' by his actions. What has he done to earn this title? Show James winking at girls as he passes them by, or keeping a comb in his pocket for an emergency hair fix. Just giving him a nasty name gives us no idea of his personality.
4) Personally, I don't like IM conversations in a story. However, since it is vital to this one, add in what Crimson is doing at the time, what she is thinking about, her reactions to what David and this mystery person are saying. It adds feeling to the story.
I would suggest editing and revising these three chapters and possibly reposting them. I'm sure this is going to be an excellent story with the right tweaks made! ;)
~Jaxie

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