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5/5/2004 c10 vanburen
Ok, I am going to try my best to be constructive!
I like James.Yes, I have read his type of character before, but your on the way to fleshing him out really well, so that fact should become moot. You're really working the whole-angsty person is forced to grow up really fast when placed into a situation where he *doesn't* know all the answers-angle. Riley, annoys me sometimes, but the fact that you can get a reaction is a good thing in my opinion. The only problem I had with this chapter is the exchange at then end...the James and Adele speak French/Riley thinks pattern repeated itself a couple of times, and it started to get confusing. It would have been helpful if you included the part where they turn to him and say, "here's the rundown of the situation in English". I know you were going for a cliffie, but at the end of the chapter I felt more confused than in suspense. Looking forward to next chapter!
4/30/2004 c10 1kelseypaige
Hey! *ducks as you throw all sorts of fruits and vegetables at me* Sorry for reviewing so late. and i know i promised to write two reviews if i ever missed a chapter... but.. i shouldnt even be writing one right now. ^_^ Love this story to pieces. i actually dont really mind if you dont totally make Riley and Adele a couple, cause it's cute with them just being friends too... well, a couple would be cuter.. but i have an imagination of my own too... ^_^ Anyway. This story is getting really cool.. And Adele's dad creeps me out, so i guess im sort of confused. *laughs* anyway, sorry i cant write more..(i should be practicing my drill routine *and* practicing my forehand shots) Love this story... update soon!
4/26/2004 c10 Kings Will Come
Nice chapter indeed. Again, all I can offer for help is grammar choices: In one point you said Riley had an "outburst" when he just kinda made a cynical remark...I don't think that classifies as an outburst.
Oh, and don't worry about the "cruel" review...everyone needs a blow to their ego every now and then. lol.
=T. L. Houlin
4/18/2004 c8 Kings Will Come
There we go. I've gotten through what you have up, and, I must say, you've gotten me hooked now.
One thing I'd advise you to look out for is comma splices. It seemed like you had more than a few. Especially when starting out a sentence with a conjunction. Of course, in formal writing, you aren't even supposed to start with a conjunction, so who am I to say the right way to break a rule? lol. Not saying you should give up starting with a conjunction-I think it can make your sentences much stronger...if you don't overuse them. (Finding Forester flashback)
One last, kind of random thing, I saw that in the chapter with the party where Chloe goes all balistic wolf girl, you used the term "deejay"...it's actually "DJ"-an abbreviation for disc jockey.
very good so far...very good indeed.
=T. L. Houlin
4/15/2004 c8 5moosesNOTmeese
Y'know what struck me as funny, when Malcom says "Heir or not", wouldn't it be amusing if Riley thought he was saying "Air or not," and then - y'know how the French accent drops haitches - what if Riley thought he was saying, "Hair or not"? *laughs somewhat insanely* What's Riley's hair like?
I don't think Riley ever really seems wimpish, I like the way he has these sarcastic, disillusioned-type thoughts in his head, but then he also doesn't want to loose his whole bad-boy image, and it's more than just a facade; it's like he's worried if he isn't bad-boy-Riley he won't be himself any more, so he's determined to act that person. And that coincides with his fear of this whole world he doesn't know about, and he knows he's got to find out but, like he says, later rather than sooner would be good.
I really like the way you describe his growing senses; how he gets glimmers of people's auras, and the way he beats himself up over being "chicken". Makes him more human than if he was just all cavalier or whatever.
4/14/2004 c1 Kings Will Come
Yo. First off, just wanted to say thanks a million for the awesome review. That would have to be one of the only reviews I've gotten that actually has the "criticism" part of constructive criticism down.
Well, I'm kind of a newcomer in the writing deal, only two years in the making, so I can't offer much in character and plot development and all that stuff for improvement room, but I can look at sentence structure.
The thing I noticed was that a few times you had a...I dunno the technical term for it, but here's an example:
"Little did they know, but rich parochial snobs were much much crueler than their poorer public counterparts."
You don't need both "little did they know" and "but". I would recommend killing "but". That's the more common way to do it, but if you wanted to keep that, I would say something like "They held to these thoughts, but blah blah blah"...I know...not good...that's why I said stick with killing but. I think you also did it with like "well" and "eh".
I may have noticed one comma splice somewhere in there too...do you read your rough drafts aloud as a step in editing? It really helps for flow.
Positive points...this is extremely well written. I'm not quite hooked yet, but I really do wanna stick with this to see what you do with it. For what you said about my plot though, I'm really expecting a pretty good storyline for this one.
I've gotta go to driver's ed quick...otherwise I'd finish what you've got. Lookin good so far, though. Keep up the good work.
=T. L. Houlin
4/13/2004 c8 1kelseypaige
Oh! It's getting exciting! The quote about the men's bathroom had me laughing for so long, I have no idea why.It's just the humor just doesnt fit in with this story, it was so out of place ti made me laugh. ^_^ *sigh* i'm probably the last to review, again. I got a new computer with XP, so no worries about the virus. It's just it's tennis season, and i play tennis, so im really really busy. ^_^ Dont worry, i'll make time to rread and review your story. I apologize ahead of time if i do happen to miss a chapter. Promise i'll write you 2 reviews if the tiem does come. ^_^ Write more soon, love ya.
~Fallen Fantasist
4/11/2004 c8 1Borderfire
Very good. I am sorry I did not post on the last chapter(I think). Working nigts seems to do things to the mind ahh well. ahem.. Brillant lead in. More than one bad guy(girl) is always more fun and the body count is good. Might try to add in what the theroies that your average high school student and teacher might use to rationalize a group of people being ripped and mauled to death. And as to admiration... you deserve it. You have posted 8 sucessful chapters. I know that everyone sees you growing as a writer. I will keep my eyes open for the next. Until then BFire
4/7/2004 c7 1kelseypaige
Great great great! Sorry i didn't review sooner... i read this chapter on the day it was posted, but my computer has this virus thing where i cant review.. *sigh* so im using a different computer to do this, sad, huh? Anyway, cliffy, evil... I am honestly confused. i have no idea whats happenning. honestly, the only thing i seem to get in t his story is Riley and Adele.. *sigh* oh well, its cute anyway. I can jsut make up a nice little story where Riely and Adele fall madly in love. *heh* Anyway, lvoe your story, comntinue soon!
~Fallen Fantasist
3/28/2004 c1 Toxix Harpy
It's Toxix, I've been reading your story thus far ^_^ I have to say, it's one of the most original stories I've ever read, you have an awesome imagination, and it's cool you're comfortable with criticing yourself too, you always seem to have room for improvement XD (but I'm happy with what you've got .)
3/27/2004 c7 vanburen
hey...I happen to like Anne Rice's angsty vampires, lol. I loved/hated your cliffhanger chapter!
3/27/2004 c6 5moosesNOTmeese
Really enjoying it! Started well and developed a lot. I'm still not entirely sure about Adele's character, is she bold or shy? but the ambiguity maybe adds something more mysterious to her. I liked the breakup scene, and I don't think Riley seems too girly, just like a guy who's acted a part for so long he can't remember whether it's really him.
3/26/2004 c7 EvarWing
There's alot of "I've never read an author so blah blah blah", but I'm not very orignal, ^.^; Again, the further you move with this story, the more depth to Riley we see, giving him all these different layers you never saw before. It really hooks the reader, and to have that ability...0_0. I admire you, hehe. ^.^
3/25/2004 c6 1Borderfire
(hops up and down like a kid in a candy store) "We're going to kill the werewolves!" oops sorry. Went back in time to my old Vampire the Masqurade character.. I love it. Original and very good plot twist. The ex is a werewolf. hm. I love it. Ok so no actually being a critic this time. To little sleep and to much caffine. BFire
3/20/2004 c6 1kelseypaige
Ohh... it's getting interesting! Yay! ^_^ But i dont get the whole werewolf thing... maybe it's just me. hehe, I love how you update so often, then i dont have to wait months for a single chapter.. cuz usually after that month i forget everything that happened and then i have to re-read the whole story... ^_^ Anyway, about your comment on how im an author and should knowhow charecters write themselves, erm, im an amature writer. ^_^ Let's just leave it to that. Plus it takes me a million years to write something. :blah: wish i had your talent. ^_^ Anyway, i love you story! Update soon!
hugs n kisses,
~Fallen Fantasist
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