for Ice Cream2/4/2004 c1 
1MrPatrone
Solid.
Skitchy on the wording in some spots but good flow.
[A/N: The J.A behind her name stands for Joy Acdal]
This needs to be moved somewhere other than where is was planted. Thre me off the train of thought. Try putting it after the first mention of Jimenez Jinia J.A..
About that spot too, it felt like you said "Jimenez Jenia J. {now} a smile smirked..." Like it was a typo... Had to re-read it four times to get it right.
As for the story... Cute... With a feeling of cruelty from the author to create a sense of knowing sympathy from the audience. You want her to get the ice cream, but you really don't want her to have to suffer for it.
1MrPatroneSolid.
Skitchy on the wording in some spots but good flow.
[A/N: The J.A behind her name stands for Joy Acdal]
This needs to be moved somewhere other than where is was planted. Thre me off the train of thought. Try putting it after the first mention of Jimenez Jinia J.A..
About that spot too, it felt like you said "Jimenez Jenia J. {now} a smile smirked..." Like it was a typo... Had to re-read it four times to get it right.
As for the story... Cute... With a feeling of cruelty from the author to create a sense of knowing sympathy from the audience. You want her to get the ice cream, but you really don't want her to have to suffer for it.