for Of Minds and Murder6/11/2004 c3 Cheers
All right, I know how much this will annoy you, but I'm going to say it anyway: This is (at least the first chapter) startlingly similar to my friend Tessandra's story. I realize that you got the premise from a different book, and that's cool, but the situations in the first chapter are almost identical to those in Tess's chapter.
While this may be marked by the differences between the whole "Being of Two Minds" bit with Leigh and Tahi talking to each other, there are several things that should not need to be controlled by the fact that King Tut is in the story. Tahi's father is an artisan rebuilding a temple. So is Nabia's. Nabia has two seperate lives/ consciousnesses (is that a word?). So does Tahi. When Tahi sees the king, she does not kneel, but is told to by the vizier, who asks her "Are you just going to stand there?" This also happens to Nabia. When Nabia falls to the ground, she chokes on the dust. When Tahi falls to the ground, she makes a point of saying she is lucky she did NOT fall on dust so that she wouldn't choke. Tahi is chased to the site by her annoying suitor. So is Nabia.
These huge similarities take away from the story which, in the second chapter, takes of on its own. This could ruin a reader's experience of the story itself if they have already read "Across Times and Oceans." I'm not trying to flame you and I'm sorry if I come off that way, but I think it detreacts immensely from your story to have these continue to be included.
All right, I know how much this will annoy you, but I'm going to say it anyway: This is (at least the first chapter) startlingly similar to my friend Tessandra's story. I realize that you got the premise from a different book, and that's cool, but the situations in the first chapter are almost identical to those in Tess's chapter.
While this may be marked by the differences between the whole "Being of Two Minds" bit with Leigh and Tahi talking to each other, there are several things that should not need to be controlled by the fact that King Tut is in the story. Tahi's father is an artisan rebuilding a temple. So is Nabia's. Nabia has two seperate lives/ consciousnesses (is that a word?). So does Tahi. When Tahi sees the king, she does not kneel, but is told to by the vizier, who asks her "Are you just going to stand there?" This also happens to Nabia. When Nabia falls to the ground, she chokes on the dust. When Tahi falls to the ground, she makes a point of saying she is lucky she did NOT fall on dust so that she wouldn't choke. Tahi is chased to the site by her annoying suitor. So is Nabia.
These huge similarities take away from the story which, in the second chapter, takes of on its own. This could ruin a reader's experience of the story itself if they have already read "Across Times and Oceans." I'm not trying to flame you and I'm sorry if I come off that way, but I think it detreacts immensely from your story to have these continue to be included.
5/31/2004 c4 
11Misoshiru
this is a great story! i love ancient egypt but im currently writing my first historical set in ancient greece
gotta go restart my pc now, but update soon k?
11Misoshiruthis is a great story! i love ancient egypt but im currently writing my first historical set in ancient greece
gotta go restart my pc now, but update soon k?
5/20/2004 c4 Queen of Egypt
Hey, I really like this story. It's very cute. True, there's another story with a similar idea, but hey, your story is still unique! That other story and yours only have the fact in common that your main character is connected to 21st century america. I, personally, like that idea so much, that there should be more stories about it. ;) please update soon!
Hey, I really like this story. It's very cute. True, there's another story with a similar idea, but hey, your story is still unique! That other story and yours only have the fact in common that your main character is connected to 21st century america. I, personally, like that idea so much, that there should be more stories about it. ;) please update soon!
5/17/2004 c4 jegan
pls update soon
cool chappie
pls update soon
cool chappie
4/12/2004 c4 jegan
hi - i really like your story - such a cool idea
pls update asap
*smiles*
hi - i really like your story - such a cool idea
pls update asap
*smiles*
4/1/2004 c4 scotchick87
Wow, I like your story. It is very similar to Tessandra's story, but only the situation that you have put your two main characters in. I like how you use a lot of descriptive language to describe what you want to say. I am actually in need of a Beta reader, I have a new(ish) story called 'Engineering In The Works', I put it in the romance section, under my penname, 'I'm A Sucker For Love Stories'. Please have a look at it and email me about anything you might think about it. In the meantime, try to update this story as it is getting quite exciting (in my opinion). I agree with Tahi when she says languages are complicated, I learn French in school, but not so many people are interested because only 7 out of the 200 people who could have done it this year, chose it. Just one question, does she change history? I better stop writing now as it is midnight here in Scotland. You live in America right? My story is set in America, so I may need help with understanding school as such. Thankyou, and please continue.
Wow, I like your story. It is very similar to Tessandra's story, but only the situation that you have put your two main characters in. I like how you use a lot of descriptive language to describe what you want to say. I am actually in need of a Beta reader, I have a new(ish) story called 'Engineering In The Works', I put it in the romance section, under my penname, 'I'm A Sucker For Love Stories'. Please have a look at it and email me about anything you might think about it. In the meantime, try to update this story as it is getting quite exciting (in my opinion). I agree with Tahi when she says languages are complicated, I learn French in school, but not so many people are interested because only 7 out of the 200 people who could have done it this year, chose it. Just one question, does she change history? I better stop writing now as it is midnight here in Scotland. You live in America right? My story is set in America, so I may need help with understanding school as such. Thankyou, and please continue.
3/28/2004 c4 Cryptic-Skye
Wow!
Really got him in the palm of her hand that one does.
Waiting for the next chapter!
Wow!
Really got him in the palm of her hand that one does.
Waiting for the next chapter!
3/27/2004 c4 IrishBlush
Oh my goodness, you read my mind...you really are fabulous! I realized that I left out Leigh in my last review...she's really cute and I think that since she's boy-crazy and obnoxious, she's really kind of charming. I have a friend just like her! You really can read my mind..keep going with this story, you're onto something!
xoxo
IrishBlush
Oh my goodness, you read my mind...you really are fabulous! I realized that I left out Leigh in my last review...she's really cute and I think that since she's boy-crazy and obnoxious, she's really kind of charming. I have a friend just like her! You really can read my mind..keep going with this story, you're onto something!
xoxo
IrishBlush
3/27/2004 c3 IrishBlush
I love your story. It's so cute...I read the first three chapters and the facts are so well-concealed that I don't realize that you are actually helping me understand the story and giving me little tidbits on the way. :) Great job with the story, and the chemistry between Tut and Tahi is awesome...you hit the nail on the head with this one. I really like the whole Tut/Tahi thing, it's really rad. However, what happened to that guy that harrassed Tahi in the beginning? I thought he made the story kind of cool, and I would have liked to see Tut punish him for something he did to Tahi! Other than that though, your story ROCKS; it's one of the best ones I have read on this site at all. Keep up the good work!
xoxo IrishBlush
I love your story. It's so cute...I read the first three chapters and the facts are so well-concealed that I don't realize that you are actually helping me understand the story and giving me little tidbits on the way. :) Great job with the story, and the chemistry between Tut and Tahi is awesome...you hit the nail on the head with this one. I really like the whole Tut/Tahi thing, it's really rad. However, what happened to that guy that harrassed Tahi in the beginning? I thought he made the story kind of cool, and I would have liked to see Tut punish him for something he did to Tahi! Other than that though, your story ROCKS; it's one of the best ones I have read on this site at all. Keep up the good work!
xoxo IrishBlush
3/26/2004 c4 2kelley1987
This is great. It's really accurate and keeps me interested. :). But there is one thing. I know I'm not the first reviewer to say this but one-week-old kittens are hardly even able to walk, much less open their eyes lol. I know because my cat gave birth to four kittens. But oh well. Keep up the awesome writing! :)
2kelley1987This is great. It's really accurate and keeps me interested. :). But there is one thing. I know I'm not the first reviewer to say this but one-week-old kittens are hardly even able to walk, much less open their eyes lol. I know because my cat gave birth to four kittens. But oh well. Keep up the awesome writing! :)
3/25/2004 c4 2Lil-Bit-of-Stars
I have really enjoyed your story thus far. I hope you post again soon! You're historic aspect seems very good, I can tell that you have done a little research on the topic of Ancient Egypt. Keep up the great work!
2Lil-Bit-of-StarsI have really enjoyed your story thus far. I hope you post again soon! You're historic aspect seems very good, I can tell that you have done a little research on the topic of Ancient Egypt. Keep up the great work!
3/25/2004 c4 2Lark Olivia
great chapter! structurally and developmentally superb! Only one minor detail - simply because im a breeder - a one week old kitten wouldn't be walking yet (eyes are barely open) - maybe 4 or 5 weeks would fit better - usually they're weened by then walking, running, eyes open, personality emerged, but still small and defenseless. Just a suggestion - animal freak/breeder won't let me not say something. I would love to beta for you - grammar, spelling, concepts, symbolism - i can make suggestions for it all if you like. just drop me a line - or AIM: juniorhandler
2Lark Oliviagreat chapter! structurally and developmentally superb! Only one minor detail - simply because im a breeder - a one week old kitten wouldn't be walking yet (eyes are barely open) - maybe 4 or 5 weeks would fit better - usually they're weened by then walking, running, eyes open, personality emerged, but still small and defenseless. Just a suggestion - animal freak/breeder won't let me not say something. I would love to beta for you - grammar, spelling, concepts, symbolism - i can make suggestions for it all if you like. just drop me a line - or AIM: juniorhandler
2/22/2004 c3 Kelley
I really like this story. :-D. It's very well-written and it's definitely interesting. Keep up the good work! I'll definitely be checking back. :)
I really like this story. :-D. It's very well-written and it's definitely interesting. Keep up the good work! I'll definitely be checking back. :)
2/21/2004 c3 Captain Kitty
Hello again :) Ignore the idiotic person. They evidently can not see the difference between Tessandera's story (is that how you spell her name? forgive me, I'm a terrible speller - spelling is not required where I live, in 9th grade. Nor much of your highschool carrer. You just have know big words. Forigve that little peice of triva) and yours. I can see a big difference. One, Your character does not wake up as the same person in two different eras. She shares a body with another girl (that's the best way I can put it) one, Tessandra's character was not a dancer, yours is. And I also her characters were a bit younger. Ah, anyhoo, I like the story, please update sooner :) I should post my own Egyptian Story soon, but I'm more of the type to get most of the story written out, and then post most of it. *shrugs* I like to be preapred, lol Anyhoo, saultes to a good story my friend *huggles and prances away*
Hello again :) Ignore the idiotic person. They evidently can not see the difference between Tessandera's story (is that how you spell her name? forgive me, I'm a terrible speller - spelling is not required where I live, in 9th grade. Nor much of your highschool carrer. You just have know big words. Forigve that little peice of triva) and yours. I can see a big difference. One, Your character does not wake up as the same person in two different eras. She shares a body with another girl (that's the best way I can put it) one, Tessandra's character was not a dancer, yours is. And I also her characters were a bit younger. Ah, anyhoo, I like the story, please update sooner :) I should post my own Egyptian Story soon, but I'm more of the type to get most of the story written out, and then post most of it. *shrugs* I like to be preapred, lol Anyhoo, saultes to a good story my friend *huggles and prances away*