for The Mirror Of Kathrefta10/1/2006 c2 
1marjorievonnordeck
Ok, sorry, but I couldn't get beyond the first paragraph. I really don't like being "told" what I see, hear, feel, I want to experiance it because you "showed" me. "You feel this and you see that" doesn't apeal to me at all. I am more than a little put off by that, witch is too bad because I was intrested in the basic premis of your story.
Anyway, I will give you the benifit of the doubt by reading on and then sending anouther review. I just thought this was too important a thing to not mention it before I read on.
1marjorievonnordeckOk, sorry, but I couldn't get beyond the first paragraph. I really don't like being "told" what I see, hear, feel, I want to experiance it because you "showed" me. "You feel this and you see that" doesn't apeal to me at all. I am more than a little put off by that, witch is too bad because I was intrested in the basic premis of your story.
Anyway, I will give you the benifit of the doubt by reading on and then sending anouther review. I just thought this was too important a thing to not mention it before I read on.
10/1/2006 c1 marjorievonnordeck
First I'll say that my intrest is peaked, the idea is intrestng.
Seckond I'll say that this jumps around alot without much transition... That makes it hard to track.
-Minor grammer detail: should "my first ever sword" be "my first sword ever"?-
Ok, other than that a little more detail would be nice. Remember your readers have never been to this world of yours and they want to be able to "see" your world. I want to see your world, but for instance: "I sleep in the Tower, witch s full of beautiful velvet and red furnishings, with rich mahogany wood."
-This is a run on scentence for one. -What tower? Does it have a name/location? Is it part of a castle/estate? -velvet and red furnishings - What kind of furnishings? Are they red velvet furninshings? Or just some that are velvet and others that are red? -What is mahogany? The tables and chairs? What kind of funrature is there?
Closing comments: I want to "SEE" what you're talking about, so the name of the game: MORE DETAIL. Show me, don't just tell me. Give your readers sensory input and enotional reactions to it; taste, touch, sound... These are things *I* crave as a reader and writer.
Hope that helped.
~Marjorie
First I'll say that my intrest is peaked, the idea is intrestng.
Seckond I'll say that this jumps around alot without much transition... That makes it hard to track.
-Minor grammer detail: should "my first ever sword" be "my first sword ever"?-
Ok, other than that a little more detail would be nice. Remember your readers have never been to this world of yours and they want to be able to "see" your world. I want to see your world, but for instance: "I sleep in the Tower, witch s full of beautiful velvet and red furnishings, with rich mahogany wood."
-This is a run on scentence for one. -What tower? Does it have a name/location? Is it part of a castle/estate? -velvet and red furnishings - What kind of furnishings? Are they red velvet furninshings? Or just some that are velvet and others that are red? -What is mahogany? The tables and chairs? What kind of funrature is there?
Closing comments: I want to "SEE" what you're talking about, so the name of the game: MORE DETAIL. Show me, don't just tell me. Give your readers sensory input and enotional reactions to it; taste, touch, sound... These are things *I* crave as a reader and writer.
Hope that helped.
~Marjorie
5/27/2005 c2 Lady Draki
v. nice story, please add more!the beginning sounds chopped off and unclear. the 1 chapter is good, but it leaves u hanging!
v. nice story, please add more!the beginning sounds chopped off and unclear. the 1 chapter is good, but it leaves u hanging!
11/14/2004 c2 5Moon860
a litle odd way of creating a story, but hey, originality! ( i like that)
tis a nice story type-thing, sort of like a board game (move forwards two spaces, you look to your left and see... e.t.c)
good!
Moon860 (note, if you really want to review my stuff, don't bother about my (rather good :D) poems, and go straight to the story, Paw Prints in the Snow, thanks! (you dont have to if you dont want to...but!)
M x x x
5Moon860a litle odd way of creating a story, but hey, originality! ( i like that)
tis a nice story type-thing, sort of like a board game (move forwards two spaces, you look to your left and see... e.t.c)
good!
Moon860 (note, if you really want to review my stuff, don't bother about my (rather good :D) poems, and go straight to the story, Paw Prints in the Snow, thanks! (you dont have to if you dont want to...but!)
M x x x