for Dead spirit7/24/2004 c1 Soul of Night
Excellent use of words and characterisation dear boy. The clarity of your story is beyond comprehension. You did a fine job sir.
However it does seem as though you have seen something similar before. The whole meaning behind the story was dulled a bit by the descriptive words. Also the story needed paragraphs but i guess that is just you forgetting to use in your writing.
Overall 7.5/10 Good Work
Excellent use of words and characterisation dear boy. The clarity of your story is beyond comprehension. You did a fine job sir.
However it does seem as though you have seen something similar before. The whole meaning behind the story was dulled a bit by the descriptive words. Also the story needed paragraphs but i guess that is just you forgetting to use in your writing.
Overall 7.5/10 Good Work
2/16/2004 c1 
16Brightflower
Wow, that was strange. Very interesting. I liked the details, and the description of the shah. You did a good job of describing his personality. The only thing I would suggest is that you split your writing into smaller paragraphs. Having to read one big block makes it harder to concentrate on the story. But, this is a really nice piece of work. Good job! =)
16BrightflowerWow, that was strange. Very interesting. I liked the details, and the description of the shah. You did a good job of describing his personality. The only thing I would suggest is that you split your writing into smaller paragraphs. Having to read one big block makes it harder to concentrate on the story. But, this is a really nice piece of work. Good job! =)
2/16/2004 c1 8htmraw
First of all, paragraphing. It was extremely hard to read all condensed as it was.
Also the foreshadowing was a tad bit on the heavy side. Too much of the whole "Ignoring the inherent danger of the green light." thing.
The Shah's personality changed quite a bit in the supernatural room. He went from being highly arrogent to weeping at something he didn't believe in very quickly.
Believe it or not I actually liked this story. I just thought I would give you some stuff to improve apon. Anyway, it was quite an engaging read.
8htmrawFirst of all, paragraphing. It was extremely hard to read all condensed as it was.
Also the foreshadowing was a tad bit on the heavy side. Too much of the whole "Ignoring the inherent danger of the green light." thing.
The Shah's personality changed quite a bit in the supernatural room. He went from being highly arrogent to weeping at something he didn't believe in very quickly.
Believe it or not I actually liked this story. I just thought I would give you some stuff to improve apon. Anyway, it was quite an engaging read.
2/15/2004 c1 29Hangman
Very nice.. the use of language was fantastic in my opinion, everything flowed perfectly and it was sufficiently descriptive without dragging anything out to the point of irritation as a lot of "big" writers tend to do (In my view).
Well done.
As for the plot, it was interesting but maybe not too original... I doubt the aim was to pull the reader in with fantastic plot though ;) so I wont bother criticizing that.
good job.
29HangmanVery nice.. the use of language was fantastic in my opinion, everything flowed perfectly and it was sufficiently descriptive without dragging anything out to the point of irritation as a lot of "big" writers tend to do (In my view).
Well done.
As for the plot, it was interesting but maybe not too original... I doubt the aim was to pull the reader in with fantastic plot though ;) so I wont bother criticizing that.
good job.