for Relation11/2/2004 c1 UnsungbutWritten
Wow, for a first poem, this is really good. It flows well, and clicks well (my own strange word for a good meter). Interesting topic, but the emotion seems a little dulled. Not dull-but that you're holding back.
Wow, for a first poem, this is really good. It flows well, and clicks well (my own strange word for a good meter). Interesting topic, but the emotion seems a little dulled. Not dull-but that you're holding back.
7/2/2004 c1 
66lebuffle
For a first shot at poetry, most of the rhymes are good and the flow and meter isn't at all bad.
"I said it: myself, me." - it is sometimes hard to find a rhyme, but it's always better to persevere that little bit longer. It doesn't have to rhyme exactly - 'through' can rhyme with 'though' if you make it. If, ultimately, you can't find anything, don't be afraid to change the other part of the couplet to something entirely different. Essentially, a good poem should be planned, and it's never a crime to have a change of plan if it will ultimately improve your poem. Ideally, every word should be relevant and make sense in the context it's put in. If not, I think that it's always better to change it than publish something that doesn't make sense.
Also, "Then I start to thinking" - a minor grammatical mistake. Commonly made. It's not really lethal, but try to avoid these in future, as they really don't do a good poem any justice!
Apart from those two lines, your meaning and what you're trying to say is solid and fully comprehendable - there's nothing vague or wooly about it. But now you've mastered this, try to explore further - use of similies and metaphors is a start. Many poems are entirely extended metaphors based around comparing an idea or concept to something else. It might be a good thing for you to try later.
I know that you've written many more poems and probably know all of this, but this is for readers, too, who might also be starting their first proper poems and looking for somewhere to begin.
66lebuffleFor a first shot at poetry, most of the rhymes are good and the flow and meter isn't at all bad.
"I said it: myself, me." - it is sometimes hard to find a rhyme, but it's always better to persevere that little bit longer. It doesn't have to rhyme exactly - 'through' can rhyme with 'though' if you make it. If, ultimately, you can't find anything, don't be afraid to change the other part of the couplet to something entirely different. Essentially, a good poem should be planned, and it's never a crime to have a change of plan if it will ultimately improve your poem. Ideally, every word should be relevant and make sense in the context it's put in. If not, I think that it's always better to change it than publish something that doesn't make sense.
Also, "Then I start to thinking" - a minor grammatical mistake. Commonly made. It's not really lethal, but try to avoid these in future, as they really don't do a good poem any justice!
Apart from those two lines, your meaning and what you're trying to say is solid and fully comprehendable - there's nothing vague or wooly about it. But now you've mastered this, try to explore further - use of similies and metaphors is a start. Many poems are entirely extended metaphors based around comparing an idea or concept to something else. It might be a good thing for you to try later.
I know that you've written many more poems and probably know all of this, but this is for readers, too, who might also be starting their first proper poems and looking for somewhere to begin.
6/29/2004 c1 5ArchDemonNotion
a general topic for us. i expect your newer poems to be a bit more linear and focused
5ArchDemonNotiona general topic for us. i expect your newer poems to be a bit more linear and focused
4/11/2004 c1 48Silent Laughter
That was good! I thought it inspired a lot of thought (which is really good. ^^) and it had a great concept. OMG, I sound like some crazed Lit. teacher... just kill me now. You rock. ^^
~*~SL~*~
48Silent LaughterThat was good! I thought it inspired a lot of thought (which is really good. ^^) and it had a great concept. OMG, I sound like some crazed Lit. teacher... just kill me now. You rock. ^^
~*~SL~*~
3/21/2004 c1 49TiEka Koniku
OMG i totally know how this is! wow.. that scary. nice writing job though. make sure you never stop writing! lol. nice. *TI*
49TiEka KonikuOMG i totally know how this is! wow.. that scary. nice writing job though. make sure you never stop writing! lol. nice. *TI*
3/14/2004 c1 103Anaiya Illyria
i love the last part. 'no one really knows me. no, not even me.' it describes me perfectly.
103Anaiya Illyriai love the last part. 'no one really knows me. no, not even me.' it describes me perfectly.
3/7/2004 c1 19white-water-siren
That was great... really nice form and rhythm, cool. Keep going, you got the gift.
19white-water-sirenThat was great... really nice form and rhythm, cool. Keep going, you got the gift.
3/4/2004 c1 25LittleEar BigEar's sis
Very very nice :) And thanks for the review(and for being the first person to give me some constructive criticism *grin*)
25LittleEar BigEar's sisVery very nice :) And thanks for the review(and for being the first person to give me some constructive criticism *grin*)
3/1/2004 c1 17Akera
Nicely done, very touching. You know what, I love you. You know that right? Even though I don't know you, I love you. Hehe. Sorry, I'm really playful right now. I really like the poem, great flow, good theme. Just remember, cheer up. You are going to get a good out come in everything!
17AkeraNicely done, very touching. You know what, I love you. You know that right? Even though I don't know you, I love you. Hehe. Sorry, I'm really playful right now. I really like the poem, great flow, good theme. Just remember, cheer up. You are going to get a good out come in everything!
2/23/2004 c1 36Samekian
Nice poem, I like the suttle rhyme scheme and no spacing so it flows quite well.
36SamekianNice poem, I like the suttle rhyme scheme and no spacing so it flows quite well.
2/22/2004 c1 3Hiddensandgaara
Very good poem. I can relate as well as anyone. It moves very well and is easy to read. Kudos to this poem.
P.S. Thanks for the review.
3HiddensandgaaraVery good poem. I can relate as well as anyone. It moves very well and is easy to read. Kudos to this poem.
P.S. Thanks for the review.
2/22/2004 c1 123Velvet Reverie
Very beautiful. I can relate. Good work!
~Lonely Empty Eyes~
PS
Thanks for your review!
123Velvet ReverieVery beautiful. I can relate. Good work!
~Lonely Empty Eyes~
PS
Thanks for your review!
2/22/2004 c1 106Cherry Jones
Wow very impowering
Thank you for R&R my work
Keep up the good work
Lata
Sweetipi
106Cherry JonesWow very impowering
Thank you for R&R my work
Keep up the good work
Lata
Sweetipi