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11/3/2005 c10 38Fate Thirteen
Hello. Am pleased to see you have updated, and have yet another name change for this story. I feel I have neglected you - I apologise.

Firstly, I must say that I finally understand why your sentences go on forever - am I right that you like Milton? I guessing that from the initial quote. Having just studied Paradise Lost, I've learned that Milton's sentences aren't properly structured, or very reader-friendly. Now I see where you get it from. I will be more sympathetic, and WILL, I promise, get around to helping you out with it.

But I'll indulge you on the verbosity. Why not?

I was going to review as I read, but was too transfixed. Although I've forgotten most of the plot, I was really grabbed by this chapter. Something in it was so twistedly, morbidly lovely. Now that I read you as an aspiring Milton (my apologies if this is not what you're aiming for, but it's happening anyway), I'm a lot more forgiving on your words and sentences, although to your credit, they are improving.

Lovely. Do keep with it.
5/24/2005 c9 new account
I came back, after I don't know how long! And I am so happy to see 'Evanescere: Birth' is still alive.

Alright now for the review, this might be long, I'm not sure…

First, Vocabulary. Man do you have an extensive vocab. This story is seriously an orgy of words. While this is good… sometimes. But other times I get lost or confused and I have to re-read passages which cuts into the flow of the story. It's something to get used to, I guess. But most of the time it's okay, and it really adds to the imagery, which by the way is excellent.

Also, question. It's probably me just being stupid and confused but, How come Valen is sitting next to Celeste and playing a violin? I'm assuming this is a story way in the past and now somehow they are friends or something… I don't know. It sounds like this is going to be a long story, I hope you keep it up, and don't try to rush it.

Your characters are also excellent. They all have the different dimensions that characters should. Valen's blonde hair shocked me. For some reason, I had always imagined him with black hair, I guessed because it added to the whole darkness of his revenge, etc. But anyways, I'm having trouble with visualizing him with blonde hair. Oh well.

I guess that's all I can remember for now, plus I have to go. But, I'm excited for the next installment! I hope you update soon!

- misplaced Vision
4/2/2005 c9 Fate Thirteen
Mm.mm. This story makes me think of summer, because that's when I started reading it. And it's so gloriously exotic. Yummy. Hello :D

*blinks* Too many words. Too many wordy words. Ease up, please. Brain overload.

Ee.. I love this image of the city all ruined, when it had been so powerful in the past. That's superb.

Ew... The bird-men-things aren't very pretty. Wonderfully described, though. 'Charun' is an interesting name for them - reminds me of Charon who was the boatman to the underworld. Nice.

If LaReine's 'doll' is so mutilated and battered, would it still have running blood in it to swing around? It just strikes me as a bit unlikely given your previous description of it.

'So entranced, LeSait strayed out of thought, shifting undefined in autonomous distracted motion. Any conscious rumination on his part was drowned in a sea of garbled sentences and baseless explanation, leaving him waterlogged in his slowly maddening mind, and unable to question the proceedings.' - Er... yes. I read the dictionary for fun sometimes, and I had trouble deciphering that. The imagery of drowning is nice, but the wording is too clunky. You've lost me here, and as your reader, I expect a bit of a concession on your part. I'd like to understand what you're saying more easily!

'puzzled' is not a verb that can be used for speech. If it's a verb, it needs an object (to puzzle somebody). LaReine can be puzzled, or something can be puzzling to her, but she alone cannot puzzle.

Your syntax is still incorrect. I keep saying I'll help with this and am yet to do so. I will, I promise. It's on my list of things to do.

Otherwise, this is still very good. The world you've made is very beautiful and vivid, for the little we see of it, and the characters are slowly becoming more rounded and solid.

By the by, in your profile, you have misspelt 'apologies'. Only the one L.
2/24/2005 c8 Fate Thirteen
Gosh. I haven't reviewed this. Silly me. Anyway. A few typos that I noticed -weaned instead of waned, and some others somewhere, I think. Also you used the word ordained (or preordained) twice in one sentence, and that sounds BAD. But otherwise, a very lovely chapter to read on a rainy afternoon. Still unsure of the plot - is this story going to be a long one? It feels like it. Hope you keep going.
1/12/2005 c8 4Viresse430
Reading and Reviewing by recommendation of Fate Thirteen. The story is detailed, interesting and fantastical. I'm not quite sure who's my favorite yet, just not Celeste. I think I'm a bit confused by this last chapter, so I'll have to wait until the next update to figure out what's going on.
12/12/2004 c7 38Fate Thirteen
Hellohello... Also free of the curse of uni applications, I return to this joy!

Part of me thinks I need to reread from the beginning, because I'm not quite sure what's what and who's who, but I'll work it out. I loved the final part of this chapter. It was just gorgeous.

The two creatures in the trees were rather Gollum-esque, but I'll forgive you ;)

Hope there is more soon.
10/30/2004 c6 Fate Thirteen
Apologies for a late review - but I am here, sitting down to read this. Finally.
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Many many adjectives in the first sentence alone! It sounds a little bit like 'The tall thin man walked down the long dusty road drinking hot sweet tea from a shiny steel cup...' You see my point? Little less is more. But I do like 'infant flame'.
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'sideward' - sideWAYS.
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Please punctuate your dialogue. And when you have so many characters in a room, it's confusing to leave dialogue without labels - I have no idea who is speaking.
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typo - single collective thought. And your formatting is rather confusing, here.
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Ooh, the plot thickens! What the hell is going on? I love all your little accented names. Foreign, familiar, just the right amount of strangeness. I get the feeling that the city and the landscape is a wonderfully intricate place.
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The singular of Magi is Mage. For Roux to talk of the Magi's fate is to talk of more than one, but the use of singular verbs in association with this means the Magi is one man. And that is a Mage. Unless you're talking about something new which you have invented... In which case, my mistake, I apologise.
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Personal prejudice, but I hate capitalized words in fiction. It seems so juvenile. Italics deliver as much punch with more class. The formatting around this coversation between Celeste and Cassandra is confusing, too.
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The 'agent DeCart' seems ill-placed here. It would sit better at the end of the line of speech. Also, if he is being addressed as the agent, it should be 'Agent DeCart'.
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The plot is intriguing, but clearly quite complicated. I'm hoping it will become clearer over time! Characters are all interesting and are developing well. I remain bemused as to why this story has so few followers. There are still technical errors, most of which I've highlighted here, and I still owe you a lesson! Keep writing!
6/28/2004 c4 Fate Thirteen
Hello :D An update! Woohoo! Yes, I've been waiting for this. And I'm so excited, that I'm going to review as I read. I hope you feel special (and yes, I'm in a strange mood. Too much ice cream).
'canvass' only has one s. Typo, methinks. 'perquisition'? Pardon me? As before, it's nice to see your vocabulary is wide, but that sentence is just... verbose for verbosity's sake. Ease up on it, please.
Yummy, nice description of an orderly awakening, the deliberate sequence of items. Nice.
*gasp* Execution? *cackles* Excellent...
I don't think 'beclouded' is actually word... 'populous endeavoured half-heartedly' Endeavoured to do what? Verb requires an object, and action. It can't stand on its own.
'tattered shards of shattered glass' *eats* 'clutching the hilt of a silver suicide note' Stop it. You're spoiling me. This is too delicious.
'seen to many times' Need another o on to, there. 'She span on her heel' she SPUN on her heel.
'fall an ivory autumn' *devours*
Any reason in particular why your formatting goes all squiffy in the italicised section?
I thought it was only a wooden stake through the heart that killed a vampire... But then... I don't think he's totally dead. Being an undead and all... Mah. Confused.
OK. Well. It's a nice chapter. Verbose, sentence structure needs work (but I'll get to that on Thursday when all my exams are over). Erm... I say for the next chapter, try not to use such long and impressive words. Long impressive words sound nice in isolation; they sound contrived all strung together. But I'll work on that with you if you think it would be helpful.
All in all, good. Very good. Deserving of many more reviews than it has.
5/14/2004 c2 new account
Wow. I really am speechless. Your descriptions are beyond most and your story immediately captures the reader's attention. I read Fate Thirteen's review about the grammar, but I didn't really see any problem. But perhaps you fixed them and I too absorbed into the story to really notice. I would greatly value your opinion and help for my fic, Forgotten Truths: The Rebirth, so check it out if you have time.
- misplaced Vision
4/30/2004 c3 Lillith Grimore
The story is great, even if you're not completely happy with it yet but I have to reitterate what Fate 13 had already said: you are being overly verbose at times and whilst asking you isn't exactly a problem,it just interupts the flow of the story when I have to stop and scratch my head about a word. Simple mind here, or more limited vocabulary at least. Another installment soon hopefully?
4/13/2004 c3 Fate Thirteen
I read this over the weekend, and made notes, but I've lost them... Bear with me.
I had several points to make.
1) Language. Whilst it's lovely to see you have a very wide vocabularly, maybe spreading out this knowledge over the entire story would be better than bombarding your reader with clever words in one chapter. Simple is often better, and use accent words rather than a deluge of complexity.
2) Sentence structure. Your sentences are often longer than they should be, and the punctuation is weak. Simplify, simplify, and it should improve.
3) Speech. Do you know the rules for punctuation with speech? If you do, use them. If you don't, email me and I will gladly teach you - it's not difficult, and it makes the world of difference. It makes your writing look professional instead of amateur, and it's a ground-rule of writing.
A few minor points: there were little bits which I am sure are important plot hooks, but they seemed purely random - the fainting after leaving the room. Maybe if Celeste saw this woman faint as she was turning out of the room, it would integrate the event much more - the reader would pay more attention to it.
Also, I study architecture, so this is purely a nitpick on my part, but I'm not sure how much you know about the way buildings are constructed and how to describe them. From what I saw, you've got a vague idea, but it's still a bit loose, and overly complex. Know what your buildings look like, then find out what the parts of the building are called and use the right words. Precision is required. Precision negates the need for long, complicated descriptions.
Apart from that, there were little touches that I loved. The doll, and the man with no pupils... very nice.
Keep it up - if you need help with grammar/punctuation rules, my email is on my profile - drop me a line and I'll be happy to give you a crash course.
Fate 13
3/7/2004 c2 Fate Thirteen
Beautiful, beautiful description. Really stunning. Plot is working out smoothly and I'm looking forward to Valen's vengeance which will surely come.
A few typos in this chapter, and also some technical things to do with speech and punctuation (one of my pet peeves), so focus on that when you're writing the next chapter to eliminate any errors. If you're not sure about the rules, send me a chapter to beta for you - I'd be happy to do so.
Hope this helps, and you update soon!
3/7/2004 c1 Fate Thirteen
I like this. It's a very interesting slant on things. I wasn't expecting vampires, nor was I expecting to feel sympathy with them! Was that your intention? because if so, you've achieved it to a high degree.
Your writing is fluid and very readable. At the moment, I'm just getting a handle on your style, but I hope you keep writing - I'll keep reading!

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