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for Stand Back, Daughter

3/12/2004 c5 57Ente
five haikus, and all excellent. i liked the first one, dandelion artifact. awesome phrase! can't wait to see more on this!
3/11/2004 c5 75Franken
Yet again just a few more descriptive words and you'll be good to go. This was still great though in my opinion. Loved it!

3/11/2004 c4 Franken
This one was pretty good with the description and all, but I think the flow is a little off.

Like some Haikus I've read before, they have three lines that are almost 3 completely different sentences with absolutely no flow whatsoever, and I guess sometimes it works for them, but it's really hard. In my opinion, they sound better if you can somewhat find a link between your lines.

Anyways, great job on this one, hope you don't mind my constructive criticism. I know there are some people who absolutely hate it, but it really does help!

3/11/2004 c3 Franken
Cool, sounds like this kind of goes along with your theme. I think you should use a few more descriptive words in what your trying to say to kind of give more of an exotic opinion of what your trying to express though.

A lot of the time, the Haikus that can do without that are the ones solely based on giving a message instead of a description.

I suppose yours could be geared towards the message side, but I could be wrong. These are really good and you should continue writing them.

3/11/2004 c2 Franken
Hm, cool. Although I think on your first line you're missing a syllable. Other than that, great!

3/10/2004 c4 52FAKEromances
i loved the line: "watercolor jewish kings". reminds me so much of my childhood...
3/10/2004 c1 133bach-player
i like your language...dandelion artefact...makes me think of all the 'blow wishes' i used to delight in as a child.
3/7/2004 c3 9twilightwriter07
Hm...interesting haiku here...I kind of get the feeling that the daughter isn't allowed to play and that the mother is holding her back. I could be interpreting this wrong, but still it's a nice haiku. Anway, great job on all three of your haiku. ^_~
3/7/2004 c2 twilightwriter07
LOL...I used to have a diary similar to that...though the lock was plastic and it was in a shape of a pink heart. ^^
3/7/2004 c1 twilightwriter07
Nice image here...I wish it was summer. ^^
3/6/2004 c1 80Plato's Optic Runaway
Poignant, in a strange sort of way, sort of like a lilting inebriation, caused by a fruity liquer of some sort, that mixed with a grassy afternoon where the sun's too high and your head's too low. I honestly don't know, but the poem moves me subtly as it secretly shoves me. I like it, and you have quite the intriguing new penname.
3/6/2004 c1 75Franken
MM... I like the first line the most, mostly, "Overdriven" that's cool.

3/6/2004 c1 168SeaVoi
I like it but I don;t understand the dandelion part, It makes it sound like the artefact isn't rare or special, maybe thats what you ment I don't know, EXPLAIN! Good Haiku! :)
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