for A Sorcerer of Selen7/6/2004 c8 
2ConfectusPapilio
Yeah, the ending here is a bit rushed. I'd just suggest rewriting it, that usually works best for me when I do something like that.
2ConfectusPapilioYeah, the ending here is a bit rushed. I'd just suggest rewriting it, that usually works best for me when I do something like that.
6/26/2004 c6 Khenna
Hm, Haliha's age...Well before this chapter, I was thinking about 15, but now I'm thinking 19.
Yes, that was a verry confusing ending, but I can't continue until I get home from camp, latter.
Hm, Haliha's age...Well before this chapter, I was thinking about 15, but now I'm thinking 19.
Yes, that was a verry confusing ending, but I can't continue until I get home from camp, latter.
6/25/2004 c5 Khenna
Well, to make this chapter better, you could extend the background information given about Haliha, don't tell us what her past is, have Haliha tell the High Lady. That would seem like less letchuring and would be easier to understand.
Well, to make this chapter better, you could extend the background information given about Haliha, don't tell us what her past is, have Haliha tell the High Lady. That would seem like less letchuring and would be easier to understand.
6/25/2004 c4 Khenna
Good chapter here, though I have noticed that your chapters tend to run a bit short, but thats okay, quality, which is high, is more important anyway.
Good chapter here, though I have noticed that your chapters tend to run a bit short, but thats okay, quality, which is high, is more important anyway.
6/18/2004 c2 Khenna
It seems that I get only gladder and gladder that I am reading this. It helps explain SO MUCH STUFF. Goodness knows I'll have to reread the other completly once I'm done with this...
~
Hm, that's violent enough for an R rating? Maybe I should bump Ardinie's rating up when I get to around chapter 17 when it starts to get pretty bloody and nasty.
~
I'll read more when I have the time, but I am enjoying this story alot so far.
It seems that I get only gladder and gladder that I am reading this. It helps explain SO MUCH STUFF. Goodness knows I'll have to reread the other completly once I'm done with this...
~
Hm, that's violent enough for an R rating? Maybe I should bump Ardinie's rating up when I get to around chapter 17 when it starts to get pretty bloody and nasty.
~
I'll read more when I have the time, but I am enjoying this story alot so far.
6/18/2004 c1 Khenna
Maybe I should have read this before reading the other...I think this will help some of my questions alot. Well, nice prologue, seems a bit short, but pretty essencial to add good tension to the storyline.
Maybe I should have read this before reading the other...I think this will help some of my questions alot. Well, nice prologue, seems a bit short, but pretty essencial to add good tension to the storyline.
6/4/2004 c17 26Phoeaix
Well I've finally read this chapter - yay huh? - now I didn't really expect Danuaush to give in to Snana like that but hey now i just want to read Shadow Stalker and i will once i have finished this review which is now!
26PhoeaixWell I've finally read this chapter - yay huh? - now I didn't really expect Danuaush to give in to Snana like that but hey now i just want to read Shadow Stalker and i will once i have finished this review which is now!
5/25/2004 c6 1F. Teague
I think your development of Haliha has been quite...hrm...appropriate, actually. As for her age, I guess somewhere from late teens to early twenties. However, I don't really think age has much to do with how a person acts; not that my word is law or anything (not even close!), but I've written a 21 y/o character with the maturity of a high school boy, and at the same time I've written a pre-teen boy who was as mature as the 21 y/o should have been.
As for crits: I'm slacking! And you aren't, which means what few mistakes there were were just typos. I've also noticed that you tend to do run-on sentences every now and then, but it's not a constant so I wouldn't worry overmuch about it.
1F. TeagueI think your development of Haliha has been quite...hrm...appropriate, actually. As for her age, I guess somewhere from late teens to early twenties. However, I don't really think age has much to do with how a person acts; not that my word is law or anything (not even close!), but I've written a 21 y/o character with the maturity of a high school boy, and at the same time I've written a pre-teen boy who was as mature as the 21 y/o should have been.
As for crits: I'm slacking! And you aren't, which means what few mistakes there were were just typos. I've also noticed that you tend to do run-on sentences every now and then, but it's not a constant so I wouldn't worry overmuch about it.
5/25/2004 c5 F. Teague
This wasn't a crappy chapter, really. Short, of course, but I thought it fit in just fine with the rest of the story. However, brace yourself, as I have discovered quite a few minor errors and I am going to point out each and every one [cackles evilly] Well, almost each and every one anyway.
Attend! Just kidding, I only wanted to be pompous... Well, on to the crits:
1st para, 1st sentence: [quote] Haliha eyed the High Lady of Selen carefully, as she walked gracefully into the room. [unquote] This sentence struck me as awkward. Perhaps if you removed either 'carefully,' or 'gracefully' it would fit together better-or you could just rearrange it altogether.
1st para, 4th sent: [quote] But then yet, when you were rich, you could afford to keep on replacing clothes. [unquote] You should probably settle on 'But then' at the beginning of this sentence; 'But then yet' just sounds odd.
2nd para: No crit, I just wanted to say that I liked your description of the manor interior. Though perhaps a description of the manor exterior would have been nice, but it's not necessary.
3rd para, 2nd sent: [quote] He hadn’t truly -waked- up since they had come, [unquote] That should be 'woken'.
4th para, 2nd sent and 5th para: [quote] Every time she asked the High Lady however, she was met with the same response…
.
“He is Awakening. All sorcerers must awaken before they come into their powers” [unquote] If you combined this into 'However, every time she asked the High Lady she was met with the same response: "He is Awakening. All sorcerers must awaken before they come into their powers."' I tried moving the 'however' to the beginning of the sentence as well, since it sounded awkward in the middle.
16th para, 1st sent: [quote] Haliha thought back, to that -faithful- night ten years before. [unquote] This should be 'fateful'; it's probably just an error from your spellchecker (sometimes those things can really screw you up). Also, in regards to how Haliha and Raven met: I like the story, but I was just thinking back to Chapter 2... The way in which Haliha thought of Raven when she first saw him in the market place doesn't seem to indicate the kind of closeness they must have after being together for a long time. [quote] She breathed a sigh of relief when she realized that it was one of her gang’s members, a boy by the name of Raven. [unquote] Her referring to him as 'a boy by the name of Raven' disagrees with the familiarity that she claims with him during his Awakening convulsions.
And finally, last para, last sent: [quote] You can fight, right?” [unquote] That phrase sounds a little too awkward for a noblewoman to use, especially one you would think of as older and dignified. Perhaps if she used 'correct' instead of 'right' it would fit better.
There! As you must realize, my nitpickings mean I adore your story; enough to want to help you smooth out the rough edges so that it can be even more perfect. Toodles!
P.S. I expect I won't ever be as nitpicky with a chapter as I was with this one; I was jus feeling...I don't know. Nitpicky? [shrug][grin]
This wasn't a crappy chapter, really. Short, of course, but I thought it fit in just fine with the rest of the story. However, brace yourself, as I have discovered quite a few minor errors and I am going to point out each and every one [cackles evilly] Well, almost each and every one anyway.
Attend! Just kidding, I only wanted to be pompous... Well, on to the crits:
1st para, 1st sentence: [quote] Haliha eyed the High Lady of Selen carefully, as she walked gracefully into the room. [unquote] This sentence struck me as awkward. Perhaps if you removed either 'carefully,' or 'gracefully' it would fit together better-or you could just rearrange it altogether.
1st para, 4th sent: [quote] But then yet, when you were rich, you could afford to keep on replacing clothes. [unquote] You should probably settle on 'But then' at the beginning of this sentence; 'But then yet' just sounds odd.
2nd para: No crit, I just wanted to say that I liked your description of the manor interior. Though perhaps a description of the manor exterior would have been nice, but it's not necessary.
3rd para, 2nd sent: [quote] He hadn’t truly -waked- up since they had come, [unquote] That should be 'woken'.
4th para, 2nd sent and 5th para: [quote] Every time she asked the High Lady however, she was met with the same response…
.
“He is Awakening. All sorcerers must awaken before they come into their powers” [unquote] If you combined this into 'However, every time she asked the High Lady she was met with the same response: "He is Awakening. All sorcerers must awaken before they come into their powers."' I tried moving the 'however' to the beginning of the sentence as well, since it sounded awkward in the middle.
16th para, 1st sent: [quote] Haliha thought back, to that -faithful- night ten years before. [unquote] This should be 'fateful'; it's probably just an error from your spellchecker (sometimes those things can really screw you up). Also, in regards to how Haliha and Raven met: I like the story, but I was just thinking back to Chapter 2... The way in which Haliha thought of Raven when she first saw him in the market place doesn't seem to indicate the kind of closeness they must have after being together for a long time. [quote] She breathed a sigh of relief when she realized that it was one of her gang’s members, a boy by the name of Raven. [unquote] Her referring to him as 'a boy by the name of Raven' disagrees with the familiarity that she claims with him during his Awakening convulsions.
And finally, last para, last sent: [quote] You can fight, right?” [unquote] That phrase sounds a little too awkward for a noblewoman to use, especially one you would think of as older and dignified. Perhaps if she used 'correct' instead of 'right' it would fit better.
There! As you must realize, my nitpickings mean I adore your story; enough to want to help you smooth out the rough edges so that it can be even more perfect. Toodles!
P.S. I expect I won't ever be as nitpicky with a chapter as I was with this one; I was jus feeling...I don't know. Nitpicky? [shrug][grin]
5/25/2004 c4 F. Teague
A short chapter, but very good. I didn't have a problem with the pacing, actually; I very much like that you try to keep within the limitations of the character whose viewpoint you are in.
As for crits, only a minor one: the first two sentences of this chapter seemed a bit out of place, because you're reading about how the heat is affecting him and then suddenly he's thinking about a bed. Perhaps if you took the sentence and inserted it after [quote] Even though he was on a bed, he wasn’t really comfortable. [unquote] it would sound better. Like this: [quote] Even though he was on a bed, he wasn’t really comfortable. The heat was unbearable, damnably unbearable. It had taken over his body, paralyzing him, forcing him to lie very still -on the bed-. The combination of the sweat that drenched his body and the cool air in the room proved to be the cause of his discomfort. [unquote] If you just removed -on the bed- and made a few adjustments here and there, I think it would fit. It is, however, your choice; if that was the way you intended to write, just ignore my splitting of fine hairs [gringrin]
A short chapter, but very good. I didn't have a problem with the pacing, actually; I very much like that you try to keep within the limitations of the character whose viewpoint you are in.
As for crits, only a minor one: the first two sentences of this chapter seemed a bit out of place, because you're reading about how the heat is affecting him and then suddenly he's thinking about a bed. Perhaps if you took the sentence and inserted it after [quote] Even though he was on a bed, he wasn’t really comfortable. [unquote] it would sound better. Like this: [quote] Even though he was on a bed, he wasn’t really comfortable. The heat was unbearable, damnably unbearable. It had taken over his body, paralyzing him, forcing him to lie very still -on the bed-. The combination of the sweat that drenched his body and the cool air in the room proved to be the cause of his discomfort. [unquote] If you just removed -on the bed- and made a few adjustments here and there, I think it would fit. It is, however, your choice; if that was the way you intended to write, just ignore my splitting of fine hairs [gringrin]
5/25/2004 c3 F. Teague
Yeow...and the plot thickens! [dances] I lurve plot-thickening [lurves it] I like Haliha, by the way, and how you do her (and Raven's) accent. It's very subtle (the accents) and not too riddled with apostrophes, which usually just complicates it.
Hello. I do have a crit for this chapter. I'm not trying to, er, lower your self-esteem or anything like that with the crits; I'm just doing my best to help you improve your writing (which does not need much improving). Anyway, for this chapter: [quote] “They are thieves” she repeated. “This one” she pointed to Haliha, “is hiding bread under her coat pocket. I saw her take it myself”. [unquote] I've noticed that your grammar concerning the quotation marks is a bit off. For example, the above sentence should be: “They are thieves,” she repeated. “This one,” she pointed to Haliha, “is hiding bread under her coat pocket. I saw her take it myself." This isn't the only sentence I've seen this grammar problem in, so you might want to go back and fix the sentences like that. Or not [is trying not to be pushy] =)
Also, I have another nitpicky crit for the last chapter. I thought you handled the yaoi scene very well, however... Pardon me for using blunt language, but I'm assuming that when Raven was raped that was the first time anyone had ever entered him. As I recall, you put: [quote] He was vaguely aware of a slight feeling of pleasure coming from his middle areas, as the bigger man pushed harder and harder on his buttocks. [unquote] In my (not personal) experience, there is usually some pain, or at least mild discomfort, along with pleasure the first time someone is taken from behind. Also, added to the fact that he was being violated-although admittedly he was delirious from 'the heat'-I would expect him to either not feel anything at all or else feel a little pain (possibly some pleasure as well).
Other than that, fantastic as usual! I'm now galloping off to read the next chapter. YAY! [hops]
Yeow...and the plot thickens! [dances] I lurve plot-thickening [lurves it] I like Haliha, by the way, and how you do her (and Raven's) accent. It's very subtle (the accents) and not too riddled with apostrophes, which usually just complicates it.
Hello. I do have a crit for this chapter. I'm not trying to, er, lower your self-esteem or anything like that with the crits; I'm just doing my best to help you improve your writing (which does not need much improving). Anyway, for this chapter: [quote] “They are thieves” she repeated. “This one” she pointed to Haliha, “is hiding bread under her coat pocket. I saw her take it myself”. [unquote] I've noticed that your grammar concerning the quotation marks is a bit off. For example, the above sentence should be: “They are thieves,” she repeated. “This one,” she pointed to Haliha, “is hiding bread under her coat pocket. I saw her take it myself." This isn't the only sentence I've seen this grammar problem in, so you might want to go back and fix the sentences like that. Or not [is trying not to be pushy] =)
Also, I have another nitpicky crit for the last chapter. I thought you handled the yaoi scene very well, however... Pardon me for using blunt language, but I'm assuming that when Raven was raped that was the first time anyone had ever entered him. As I recall, you put: [quote] He was vaguely aware of a slight feeling of pleasure coming from his middle areas, as the bigger man pushed harder and harder on his buttocks. [unquote] In my (not personal) experience, there is usually some pain, or at least mild discomfort, along with pleasure the first time someone is taken from behind. Also, added to the fact that he was being violated-although admittedly he was delirious from 'the heat'-I would expect him to either not feel anything at all or else feel a little pain (possibly some pleasure as well).
Other than that, fantastic as usual! I'm now galloping off to read the next chapter. YAY! [hops]
5/25/2004 c2 F. Teague
Another very good chapter, with further plot development! I very much liked the way you wrote Raven's thought processes, and the way in which he experienced 'the heat'. His thought processes, firstly, were easy to follow and very plausible. As for 'the heat' I just liked the way in which it was described.
The crits I have for this chapter are even more minor than the last: [quote] And thus finishing the most -eventual- night he had witnessed in his life. [unquote] I think the word you want there is 'eventful' and not 'eventual'. However, that could easily be a typo. See how picky I'm being? But who's gonna split fine hairs besides me? [gringrin]
'Til next chapter...
Another very good chapter, with further plot development! I very much liked the way you wrote Raven's thought processes, and the way in which he experienced 'the heat'. His thought processes, firstly, were easy to follow and very plausible. As for 'the heat' I just liked the way in which it was described.
The crits I have for this chapter are even more minor than the last: [quote] And thus finishing the most -eventual- night he had witnessed in his life. [unquote] I think the word you want there is 'eventful' and not 'eventual'. However, that could easily be a typo. See how picky I'm being? But who's gonna split fine hairs besides me? [gringrin]
'Til next chapter...
5/25/2004 c1 F. Teague
Wow! This is good ^_^ You write very [hmm...] smoothly, and your paragraphs fit together well. Also, you're very good at piqueing/piquing (sp?) a person's interest-you sure got mine ^o^ I'm adding it to my fav'rites. And it's completed, which is a plus. Even so, I will be reviewing every chapter (it's my policy :).
I do have a crit, but it's VERY minor (I'm being nitpicky): [quote] She had wasted sixteen years on maybes, and this time, time was running critically short. [unquote] This sentence (in the second to last para) sounds awkward because you used the word 'time' twice and close together. Perhaps if you picked a different phrase for 'and this time' or used a different word for the second 'time', it would sound smoother.
Other than that, this is fantabulous and I'm off for more [galumphs away]
Wow! This is good ^_^ You write very [hmm...] smoothly, and your paragraphs fit together well. Also, you're very good at piqueing/piquing (sp?) a person's interest-you sure got mine ^o^ I'm adding it to my fav'rites. And it's completed, which is a plus. Even so, I will be reviewing every chapter (it's my policy :).
I do have a crit, but it's VERY minor (I'm being nitpicky): [quote] She had wasted sixteen years on maybes, and this time, time was running critically short. [unquote] This sentence (in the second to last para) sounds awkward because you used the word 'time' twice and close together. Perhaps if you picked a different phrase for 'and this time' or used a different word for the second 'time', it would sound smoother.
Other than that, this is fantabulous and I'm off for more [galumphs away]
5/20/2004 c1 31Shadow Gryphon
Oops. Shadow Stalker is the sequel to this, isn't it. Oh well. Guess I can finish this before I read the next chapter you post there.
Good, good, good.
31Shadow GryphonOops. Shadow Stalker is the sequel to this, isn't it. Oh well. Guess I can finish this before I read the next chapter you post there.
Good, good, good.