for Merge1/11/2010 c10 shuurai-chan
so cool. i read everything u have so far & cant wait to read more. please update soon.
so cool. i read everything u have so far & cant wait to read more. please update soon.
1/16/2005 c2 
1The baava Project
Greetings! ^_^
I have some more suggestions and things to point out. Are you ready? ^_~
[, most of the students already in their next lectures.] ~ This is a bit of a fragment, and doesn't quite fit with the first part of the sentence.
["It's such a pain{,}" Matt sighed, resigning himself to his fate.]
[Matt keyed himself into his {"box,"} as he affectionately called his room.] ~ Just a tidbit here - all punctuation should go inside of quotation marks. ^_~
[Keel was on his computer, playing his current obsession.] ~ O_O LOL, careful! Is this a game he's playing, or some form of porn?
[he said as he put his headphones on. Matt sighed AFTER KEEL PUT HIS HEADPHONES ON, then began to study.] ~ That's a tad redundant.
[His friends looked at him FUNNILY, and continued to talk about the test.] ~ Is funnily a word? Perhaps you could use "awkwardly."
[Each had a wooden staff in hand and were waving {their} hands in the air.]
[He could probably turn me into a mongoose or something ridiculous like that.] ~ LMAO, great line!
Well, then! Matt's change of clothes was a nice touch - rather original. ^_^ I'm a bit surprised that he's so compliant, though - this whole chapter he almost seems as though he were drugged. I imagine that things are going to blow up around him soon enough.
Keep it up! ^_^
~ LoK
1The baava ProjectGreetings! ^_^
I have some more suggestions and things to point out. Are you ready? ^_~
[, most of the students already in their next lectures.] ~ This is a bit of a fragment, and doesn't quite fit with the first part of the sentence.
["It's such a pain{,}" Matt sighed, resigning himself to his fate.]
[Matt keyed himself into his {"box,"} as he affectionately called his room.] ~ Just a tidbit here - all punctuation should go inside of quotation marks. ^_~
[Keel was on his computer, playing his current obsession.] ~ O_O LOL, careful! Is this a game he's playing, or some form of porn?
[he said as he put his headphones on. Matt sighed AFTER KEEL PUT HIS HEADPHONES ON, then began to study.] ~ That's a tad redundant.
[His friends looked at him FUNNILY, and continued to talk about the test.] ~ Is funnily a word? Perhaps you could use "awkwardly."
[Each had a wooden staff in hand and were waving {their} hands in the air.]
[He could probably turn me into a mongoose or something ridiculous like that.] ~ LMAO, great line!
Well, then! Matt's change of clothes was a nice touch - rather original. ^_^ I'm a bit surprised that he's so compliant, though - this whole chapter he almost seems as though he were drugged. I imagine that things are going to blow up around him soon enough.
Keep it up! ^_^
~ LoK
9/16/2004 c1 The baava Project
Hello, Monion! I believe this will be the last review I leave tonight. I need to get writing on my own stories! ^_^
[Risanth's voice calm and steady.] ~ Just a kind poke - fragment alert! ^_~
[His voice became quieter than it usually was{.}] ~ I put a period here because this sentence ends right there - if it remained in the same sentence as the dialogue that follows, because of that comma, it would be a monster run on.
Well! This was a very interesting beginning! It does well to introduce what sound like main characters, though it doesn't give us much beyond that. I even think it could be much longer, fleshed out, and with some more descriptives. BUT, that is only my opinion. ^_^ All in all, I got a good impression off this!
ja ne,
LoK
P.S. Thank you so much for reviewing my story!
Hello, Monion! I believe this will be the last review I leave tonight. I need to get writing on my own stories! ^_^
[Risanth's voice calm and steady.] ~ Just a kind poke - fragment alert! ^_~
[His voice became quieter than it usually was{.}] ~ I put a period here because this sentence ends right there - if it remained in the same sentence as the dialogue that follows, because of that comma, it would be a monster run on.
Well! This was a very interesting beginning! It does well to introduce what sound like main characters, though it doesn't give us much beyond that. I even think it could be much longer, fleshed out, and with some more descriptives. BUT, that is only my opinion. ^_^ All in all, I got a good impression off this!
ja ne,
LoK
P.S. Thank you so much for reviewing my story!
3/7/2004 c5 Rivana
Yey...this I like!
Poor baby falling asleep all the time.
Keep writing hun! ;-)
Yey...this I like!
Poor baby falling asleep all the time.
Keep writing hun! ;-)