for The Thin Scrap Book2/15/2011 c5 
612simpleplan13
Grammar/Spelling:
"we drank under the yogourt sky"...yogurt
You have it punctuated as the first two stanzas are one sentence and the second two are one sentence, but that's not really grammatically correct. That first stanza is definitely it's own sentence and combining it with the second makes it a runon. Same with the third stanza.
Word choice:
I really liked your word choices. I thought that extricated was a great choice for that sentence and trauma was a good word too to show the serious impact of that. The use of the word iris works really well to and I thought the repetition worked well to tie the piece together.
Flow:
The line breaks work well to create a good flow except the third line of the third stanza. It just seemed too short and a bit abrupt. I had to read it two times actually to get where the "with mine" came in.
Enjoyment:
Overall, I liked the piece. I thought it was a really great description of a "bittersweet utopia." Your descriptions and word choices were unique and powerful. I especially liked "you stung me with your grip." That was really beautiful. Well done.
612simpleplan13Grammar/Spelling:
"we drank under the yogourt sky"...yogurt
You have it punctuated as the first two stanzas are one sentence and the second two are one sentence, but that's not really grammatically correct. That first stanza is definitely it's own sentence and combining it with the second makes it a runon. Same with the third stanza.
Word choice:
I really liked your word choices. I thought that extricated was a great choice for that sentence and trauma was a good word too to show the serious impact of that. The use of the word iris works really well to and I thought the repetition worked well to tie the piece together.
Flow:
The line breaks work well to create a good flow except the third line of the third stanza. It just seemed too short and a bit abrupt. I had to read it two times actually to get where the "with mine" came in.
Enjoyment:
Overall, I liked the piece. I thought it was a really great description of a "bittersweet utopia." Your descriptions and word choices were unique and powerful. I especially liked "you stung me with your grip." That was really beautiful. Well done.
1/29/2011 c5 22lipleaf
I love the descriptions you have here- everything's vivid and your imagery feels beautiful in a soft sort of way. I think your word choice really builds the mood. This entire piece has a dream-like feeling to it that matched well with its content. My favorite lines were probably:
"and the past was extricated
from your sour wrist"
"tossing our laughter aside" and
"your breath kept falling on the concrete
with mine
and my caress is nothing else than my bones".
Lovely work.
22lipleafI love the descriptions you have here- everything's vivid and your imagery feels beautiful in a soft sort of way. I think your word choice really builds the mood. This entire piece has a dream-like feeling to it that matched well with its content. My favorite lines were probably:
"and the past was extricated
from your sour wrist"
"tossing our laughter aside" and
"your breath kept falling on the concrete
with mine
and my caress is nothing else than my bones".
Lovely work.
11/11/2004 c5 do not resuscitate
'bitter utopia'- that alone is brilliance. the rest of this, especially the last stanza, is absolutely beautiful. being in love in a dirty place, kind of like you stay for that person... that's the vibe i got from it at least. i could just sit and pick this apart for hours... amazing.
'bitter utopia'- that alone is brilliance. the rest of this, especially the last stanza, is absolutely beautiful. being in love in a dirty place, kind of like you stay for that person... that's the vibe i got from it at least. i could just sit and pick this apart for hours... amazing.
9/11/2004 c10 Kalopsia
I love this poetry collection of yours. These poems are about simple subjects, yet you bring emotion and imagery into them in a way that many writers can't on fictionpress. It's so EASY for the reader to visualize your poems! I gotta say...props to the poet.
I love this poetry collection of yours. These poems are about simple subjects, yet you bring emotion and imagery into them in a way that many writers can't on fictionpress. It's so EASY for the reader to visualize your poems! I gotta say...props to the poet.
7/30/2004 c2 AmbiguityLotus
well.. your words are unique and written with profound meaning.. i enjoyed these pieces very much. :) keep writing your heart out, dear friend.
well.. your words are unique and written with profound meaning.. i enjoyed these pieces very much. :) keep writing your heart out, dear friend.
7/28/2004 c9 80Plato's Optic Runaway
This reminds me of someone's style, but I can't remember who, so I'll forget I even said that. It's just that the beat and irregular rhyme patterns are not 'you,' but then again, whoever said that you were capable of being predictable? I like how you've been changing your style instantaneously lately, yet you retain your remarkable gift; you're unmistakable. (Lately was a usage of hyperbole: where the fuck have you been? Write). I love the awkward line breaks that fit with the poem so well, and the unrefined language that makes itself beautiful, maybe because you wrote it, or maybe because it really is. I also like how the last phrase (your note) perfectly coincides with the rhythm, style, and meaning of the poem, even if that wasn't intended. I'm too slow-witted to keep going with this mediocre review, so I'll stop wasting your time. As I say quite often: you rock.
80Plato's Optic RunawayThis reminds me of someone's style, but I can't remember who, so I'll forget I even said that. It's just that the beat and irregular rhyme patterns are not 'you,' but then again, whoever said that you were capable of being predictable? I like how you've been changing your style instantaneously lately, yet you retain your remarkable gift; you're unmistakable. (Lately was a usage of hyperbole: where the fuck have you been? Write). I love the awkward line breaks that fit with the poem so well, and the unrefined language that makes itself beautiful, maybe because you wrote it, or maybe because it really is. I also like how the last phrase (your note) perfectly coincides with the rhythm, style, and meaning of the poem, even if that wasn't intended. I'm too slow-witted to keep going with this mediocre review, so I'll stop wasting your time. As I say quite often: you rock.
6/9/2004 c1 simpleplan13
I like it... esp. the repition... thanks for your review
I like it... esp. the repition... thanks for your review
6/3/2004 c8 123breakdown in the waiting room
After I read your poems -freeverse especially- I'm left with this feeling of absolute rawness. It took me awhile to figure out why, but I've figured out. It's because your poetry is honesty in metaphor, the only way honesty should be told. Your poetry just hits everywhere poetry is supposed to- thank you for that.
-Jess
123breakdown in the waiting roomAfter I read your poems -freeverse especially- I'm left with this feeling of absolute rawness. It took me awhile to figure out why, but I've figured out. It's because your poetry is honesty in metaphor, the only way honesty should be told. Your poetry just hits everywhere poetry is supposed to- thank you for that.
-Jess
5/24/2004 c8 80Plato's Optic Runaway
This is most definitely my favourite of all of your work. It's so perfectly focused, so pristinely rendered in something I hesitate in calling merely poetry. If you stop writing, I think it should be a sin.
80Plato's Optic RunawayThis is most definitely my favourite of all of your work. It's so perfectly focused, so pristinely rendered in something I hesitate in calling merely poetry. If you stop writing, I think it should be a sin.
5/23/2004 c8 57teh tarik
Oh, I love this piece! The whiteness and pureness (*ivory*, *pearls*) were pretty creepy descriptions. And I love your wording *an unfaithful open kiss...worth a swollen eye or two* I have yet to read deeper and find more hidden meanings...your work is deep, insightful and extremely satisfying to read.
57teh tarikOh, I love this piece! The whiteness and pureness (*ivory*, *pearls*) were pretty creepy descriptions. And I love your wording *an unfaithful open kiss...worth a swollen eye or two* I have yet to read deeper and find more hidden meanings...your work is deep, insightful and extremely satisfying to read.