6/14/2015 c1 ScarletDusk
I'm a bit confused...It looks promising...but where are the other chapters?

3/28/2011 c25 LionessBug
This is wicked the way you work your plot with the four kingdoms at first they seem like a balanced scale (at the begin

6/26/2010 c1 J Money 012
Wow, I've only read the first chapter, but I'm starting to love this story. It's so whimsical. I feel like this would be an awesome fantasy movie. Such detail and great background story. Well, off to chapter two. :)

3/10/2010 c1 Marie Silver
Hey. I stumbled across your profile in one of the forums and thought I'd critique a chapter of Unholy Alliances. Here goes:

~ 'Four allied kingdoms guarded the borders' - Either Rianu is a small land or those are big kingdoms. Not that I'm nitpicking, just pointing it out.

~ 'The kingdoms of the northern and southern borders were powerful warriors' - This makes it sound the physical kingdoms are actual warriors. Perhaps you mean '...were populated by powerful warriors' or something similar.

~ So far (two paragraphs in) this is reading like a prologue. It's all telling with descriptions of the past and details of the present.

~ 'Many of his own people had acclaimed him' - 'Many of his people claimed him...'

~ 'but there were known to be nests of great war birds, eagles and griffons, who also swore loyalty to Kathor' - I like this idea.

~ 'and the highest honor won could achieve was to be invited into the Champions of Farstream' – ‘and the highest achievement was awarded the honor of invitation into…’

~ ‘Her kingdom struggled to keep peace with the others, since many of her undead minions had been known to attack other settlements in Farstream and Bognarl, though she personally believed it was the foolish warrior humans who instigated the attacks, as though her undead minions were fierce and bloodthirsty, they all swore oaths of loyalty to her and did not attack the living against her orders.’ – This sentence needs to be broken up.

~ I like your different kingdoms and I think you’ve done a good job in keeping them unique but grounded within each other. They have similar strands (warriors and barbarians, magic and necromancy) but with a distinct identity.

~ ‘They are mutants, crosses of demons and dragons that breathe streams of black acid and fly through the air by scaled wings.’ – Awesome.

~ ‘Your skills in combat are renowned, and your kingdom is famous for its use of primal instincts and intuition in combat.’ – I’m pretty sure Elsana knows this so why is the prophetess telling her this.

~ ‘Lord Kathor did not portray any immediate reaction. He glanced around cautiously.’ – Glancing around cautiously is a reaction.

~ Why is the prophetess telling them things they already know, things the story has already told us earlier?

~ ‘The elderly prophetess gave a seductive wink towards Lord Kathor’ – That seems a bit weird.

~ ‘Elsana and Gilmor left the altar and made their way towards there respective’ – ‘their respective…’

~ ‘He had never noticed before, but imbedded into the stone of the altar was a magnificent looking sword.’ – How has he never noticed it before? I think a magnificent sword would be pretty obvious.

After reading your first chapter I have to say this is more like a prologue – it is mostly telling, especially the opening which also goes into the history of Rianu. However this is not a problem just something I’m commenting open.

Using an omniscient view point is fine when done well but I feel that this chapter is lacking in emotion and thoughts. There were only hints of feelings which might have been explored more thoroughly, particularly at the beginning. However I thought the ending with Jiliara was good as we get to see more of her as a person rather than a figure head.

A final problem I noticed is your overabundance of commas. Keep on the lookout for them.

All in all I thought this was well written (though with the occasional confusion in syntax) and that it holds interesting ideas and the beginning of a good plot. Whilst the characters seem a bit thin I think this is most likely due to it being the first chapter and I’m sure they’ll be fleshed out later.

I hope this critique helped.

~Marie Silver~

12/22/2009 c20 7Eva Rieycoit
Interesting story! And pretty good use of language as well! I think it's a great job! :)

2/10/2009 c3 4morning-miracle
You know, I don't think I'm that font of Lord Kathor after this chapter, this clearly showed one of his less favourable features. In the same time it is understandable from his own point of view, since they see her as a witch.

And humans on Jiliara's domains? That could surely turn out... interesting, I believe.

3/25/2004 c2 31Shadow Gryphon
Rather interesting.
Poor, offended, royal sensibilities. ^_^
Please, continue. This is pretty good!