for A Young Night5/19/2004 c3 Aceles
Again good but...her character seems a little...off. She doesn't seem like a cruel person, but she tells her parents what she is, unabashedly, in a very poetic, roundabout way, never saying the word 'vampire' once. I don't mean to seem harsh, just commenting.
Away!
Aceles
Again good but...her character seems a little...off. She doesn't seem like a cruel person, but she tells her parents what she is, unabashedly, in a very poetic, roundabout way, never saying the word 'vampire' once. I don't mean to seem harsh, just commenting.
Away!
Aceles
5/19/2004 c2 Aceles
Oh...a few things. You may want to make the transition from Hinaka to her friends more defined. Otherwise fairly good. Just one more comment...it seems odd to me that Hinaka would just give up her life with no resistance...it seems a bit unrealistic. She might at least argue with herself a little. I don't think I would give up my life that quickly. ^^
Away!
Aceles
Oh...a few things. You may want to make the transition from Hinaka to her friends more defined. Otherwise fairly good. Just one more comment...it seems odd to me that Hinaka would just give up her life with no resistance...it seems a bit unrealistic. She might at least argue with herself a little. I don't think I would give up my life that quickly. ^^
Away!
Aceles
3/22/2004 c1 Aceles
Interesting...not much has occured in this chapter, and how will Hinaka react to the world she is being abducted into.
Cool fic, I like it. The only thing I can mention was it was a tad melodramatic at the end, but maybe that's just me. Keep writing!
Away!
Aceles
Interesting...not much has occured in this chapter, and how will Hinaka react to the world she is being abducted into.
Cool fic, I like it. The only thing I can mention was it was a tad melodramatic at the end, but maybe that's just me. Keep writing!
Away!
Aceles
3/22/2004 c1 
2Yioujuin
The imagery you use to describe Hinaka is very pretty. But I think it's hard to feel for her character when we've only just met her in this chapter. To draw in your readers, it would be good to paint more of an introduction of Hinaka and her current setting. Otherwise, the angst or confusion that the other character feels for her seems rather sudden and out of place. But it's great that you've continued working on this piece. The more you write, the more easily things will come together. The initial development can be hard, but if you're patient with it without rushing into the drama or action ahead, it definitely becomes all the more worth reading. Happy writing!
2YioujuinThe imagery you use to describe Hinaka is very pretty. But I think it's hard to feel for her character when we've only just met her in this chapter. To draw in your readers, it would be good to paint more of an introduction of Hinaka and her current setting. Otherwise, the angst or confusion that the other character feels for her seems rather sudden and out of place. But it's great that you've continued working on this piece. The more you write, the more easily things will come together. The initial development can be hard, but if you're patient with it without rushing into the drama or action ahead, it definitely becomes all the more worth reading. Happy writing!