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5/4/2004 c3 cazgirl aka catrina
Hi Nea,
I'm actually really really glad you put the first chapter in, because it's easier to see the little things here and there that sort of hint that Michelle isn't a perfect little girl and that there's way more that what appears on the surface.
I don't like David already. What an arrogant guy! I love how she just tossed him off though. Go girl! JUst what he deserves.
You should definitely write more when you have the time because I want to know who tapped her on the shoulder and why she reacted the way she did.
3/27/2004 c3 7MD Jamison
Sounds good! And no need to worry about it being boring- it's not, and I believe you when you say it'll pick up. ^_^ I only noticed a few spelling errors- not bad at all! ^_^ I look forward to your next chapter!
3/26/2004 c2 MD Jamison
Hello again! I'm so excited to see how this story is going. It just makes me want to read more and more. ^_^ Thank you for your review, also- and as to your question- yes and no. You'll find out. ^_-
This next chapter is really fun. I don't know if it hits me more because it is sunny out where I am, or because you're just fantastic at making the reader imagine and feel the setting. ^_^ And for not being a native speaker! My gosh! When I read your first chapter I could swear you were! You make less spelling errors than I do! ^_^ so I'll look more for grammer (grammar? haha. I can't spell.). There were only two things that caught my eye. The first was this:
But yet that friend was to be found.
I was rather confused by the sentence. I think what you were trying to say was: but yet, they were the only friends to be found. Or something like that. It just caught my eye. The other one was really tiny- really tiny. Hardly anything- it was just another thing that caught my eye:
Infact, he was all gone
It was really close to sounding right, but it just caught my eye. Maybe just take out the "all". or put in a stronger word like "completely disappeared" or something.
Like I said- just word choice mainly. Well, I'd like to put in more praise, but I really need to go for the moment- I'll read the 3rd chapter soon! Good luck!
3/24/2004 c2 19HorseFlaming
O, very nice for someone who doesn't speak english as a native. :P Better in fact, then some grammer-mistake ridden stories I have read. And I like the story so far! Keep on writing!
3/24/2004 c2 1PlymouthFury
hey thats good for english not being your first language! thats really good!
Helpful pointers
-bus is spelt B-U-S
... yea thats it well it's all I can
think of at the moment but I'll be back!
3/24/2004 c1 7MD Jamison
I really like the writing style of this piece- the way it jumps lines and really makes you feel like you're talking to someone. It could be anyone- well, any girl- you see walking down the street. It has the feel of either a monologue, a phone conversation, or an online chat convo. Excellent. New styles of writing are so fun to read.
I only have two small things I saw while reading it- and I don't know if you're even looking for this sort of detail, because I know I don't always when I let people read my stuff for the first time. Just small spelling details, actually- the story sounds really fun, and I can't wait to read more. Ha! it's actually rather funny that i noticed spelling, because I'm HORRIBLE with spelling. Worst subject for me. Anyway- the two I found were "Holly Wood" is just one word (like I said, very small detail), and then you wrote "haft" instead of "have", again, a minute, hardly useful detail.
I really hope you write more on this. I'd love to see more! ^_^

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