2/23/2006 c1 nope
very broken and hard to follow...or maybe i should just try reading it during the day and not in the middle of the night...
very broken and hard to follow...or maybe i should just try reading it during the day and not in the middle of the night...
12/7/2004 c1 5Saeculorum
Yo Geoffo! :D It's she-who-hath-messed-up-your-hair . . . yes. Now . . . Supposedly, I'm the pickiest reader my friend Lianne's had in years, so I hope you don't mind if I point out tiny things. I've only got the time to read a little bit; I might be able to come back to the rest later (*cough probably in the school library cough*).
By the way, I tend to be a bit blunt, so apologies if I sound rude. *bows*
Moving on now.
-:-
First section, or first five paragraphs, if you count dialogue and little sentences as one -
I feel you could reword a lot of what you've written. For example, in paragraph one, "The sword made no sound as it was slowly pulled out of its protective sheath" could have been reworded to be "The sword was silent as it was dragged from its protective sheath." I don't feel 'dragged' is the best verb out there, but it's better than verb + adverb because supposedly, the road to hell is paved with adverbs . . . You make the scene a bit too dramatic for my liking; it's almost as if you're overdoing it. Although similes and metaphors are good, the whole 'petals' thing is a bit cliched (trust me, I thought it was the best thing in the world when I was spewing out fics in sixth and seventh grade . . . ). You were redundant in some instances ("His grip was trembling . . . his hands began to shake," "the necklace on his neck," etc.).
-:-
Ack! I've got to go now. D: I'll try to get back to you some other time x_x hopefully I'll be able to finish this review in a review for another chapter (it's 10:30PM D:).
(x) shades of clear
Yo Geoffo! :D It's she-who-hath-messed-up-your-hair . . . yes. Now . . . Supposedly, I'm the pickiest reader my friend Lianne's had in years, so I hope you don't mind if I point out tiny things. I've only got the time to read a little bit; I might be able to come back to the rest later (*cough probably in the school library cough*).
By the way, I tend to be a bit blunt, so apologies if I sound rude. *bows*
Moving on now.
-:-
First section, or first five paragraphs, if you count dialogue and little sentences as one -
I feel you could reword a lot of what you've written. For example, in paragraph one, "The sword made no sound as it was slowly pulled out of its protective sheath" could have been reworded to be "The sword was silent as it was dragged from its protective sheath." I don't feel 'dragged' is the best verb out there, but it's better than verb + adverb because supposedly, the road to hell is paved with adverbs . . . You make the scene a bit too dramatic for my liking; it's almost as if you're overdoing it. Although similes and metaphors are good, the whole 'petals' thing is a bit cliched (trust me, I thought it was the best thing in the world when I was spewing out fics in sixth and seventh grade . . . ). You were redundant in some instances ("His grip was trembling . . . his hands began to shake," "the necklace on his neck," etc.).
-:-
Ack! I've got to go now. D: I'll try to get back to you some other time x_x hopefully I'll be able to finish this review in a review for another chapter (it's 10:30PM D:).
(x) shades of clear
10/30/2004 c27 22LiCkInG-my-WoUnDs
All right! It's finally getting to the beginning of the war. I wonder what will become of Damien and Lillian? Btw, there's a flaw in this chapter. That part when Damien goes out to get more mints, the next part was when Damien wakes up to see Lillian holding some kind of paper. That was confusing because Damien was already awake why did you put him waking up again?
Well, that's all that's wrong in the chapter. Can't wait to read what happens next. Bye
All right! It's finally getting to the beginning of the war. I wonder what will become of Damien and Lillian? Btw, there's a flaw in this chapter. That part when Damien goes out to get more mints, the next part was when Damien wakes up to see Lillian holding some kind of paper. That was confusing because Damien was already awake why did you put him waking up again?
Well, that's all that's wrong in the chapter. Can't wait to read what happens next. Bye
10/28/2004 c27 31Cindy Moon
Finally, I get through. Beautiful 15-second poems. Reminds me of something I write as well. Just pure thought, no revision. You've gotten to a point where you've saturated your story with imagery so much that imagery has lost its appeal. (Move on to poetry. If I could place line breaks in the appropriate places you'd get a poem)
Watch your weather patterns. It is true about pathetic fallacy concerning nature; I guess we all do that.
x.x the dreaded ellipse. You're getting better though. I take that back. Start sending me your chapters in advance; you're in need of editing. I applaud your tedious outline work. It pays off.
=] Until next post then.
-Cindy Moon *)
Finally, I get through. Beautiful 15-second poems. Reminds me of something I write as well. Just pure thought, no revision. You've gotten to a point where you've saturated your story with imagery so much that imagery has lost its appeal. (Move on to poetry. If I could place line breaks in the appropriate places you'd get a poem)
Watch your weather patterns. It is true about pathetic fallacy concerning nature; I guess we all do that.
x.x the dreaded ellipse. You're getting better though. I take that back. Start sending me your chapters in advance; you're in need of editing. I applaud your tedious outline work. It pays off.
=] Until next post then.
-Cindy Moon *)
10/20/2004 c26 Cindy Moon
=] It's so beautiful. I actually enjoyed the change of pace. The calm before the storm is exactly the way to describe it. It's so cleverly crafted I can analyze it. Kudos to you. Until next time then.
-Cindy Moon *)
=] It's so beautiful. I actually enjoyed the change of pace. The calm before the storm is exactly the way to describe it. It's so cleverly crafted I can analyze it. Kudos to you. Until next time then.
-Cindy Moon *)
9/28/2004 c24 Cindy Moon
What else can I say? Excellent writing as usual, but I feel now that since you can come up with hundreds of paragraphs with such ease your later chapters are lacking in spirit. =] Love your work however. How I wish I could rival you once again.
-Cindy Moon *)
What else can I say? Excellent writing as usual, but I feel now that since you can come up with hundreds of paragraphs with such ease your later chapters are lacking in spirit. =] Love your work however. How I wish I could rival you once again.
-Cindy Moon *)
9/26/2004 c24 1Love Lulu
Very, very good chapter. Erg, that sounds too simple for this chapter, but it's all I can think of to say. sigh...so much for my gift with words. But nonetheless, very good.
Plus, I'm curious about the next chapter due to your excitement over it. What is it exactly that you're planning to write? Call me curious...or nosy, whatever. Anway, can't wait to read the next one!
Catch ya later!
P.S. Thanks for the explanation of the mysterious review cut. I was about ready to kill my computer out of spite for FP. Poor Yori-chan (compie's name) Knowing me, I wouldn't have figured it out, since I'm...simple, when it comes to technology of any kind. But I'm sure you wanted to know that. Ok then. I think I'm done...bye now!
Very, very good chapter. Erg, that sounds too simple for this chapter, but it's all I can think of to say. sigh...so much for my gift with words. But nonetheless, very good.
Plus, I'm curious about the next chapter due to your excitement over it. What is it exactly that you're planning to write? Call me curious...or nosy, whatever. Anway, can't wait to read the next one!
Catch ya later!
P.S. Thanks for the explanation of the mysterious review cut. I was about ready to kill my computer out of spite for FP. Poor Yori-chan (compie's name) Knowing me, I wouldn't have figured it out, since I'm...simple, when it comes to technology of any kind. But I'm sure you wanted to know that. Ok then. I think I'm done...bye now!
9/25/2004 c23 Shoujo's Revenge
I have tried to review this chapter at least 3 times and it always tells me that there's some communication problem! Anyway, I wonder which chapter is going to reveal more about 'sleeping beauty'? How many chapters are in this anyway? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, just curious. Ahh! Silas is back! I missed how he was always hungry and eating strange things. I was sure that he was going to go insane after losing all his memory but I'm glad I was wrong. I also wonder when Damien and Lillian will meet again...
I have tried to review this chapter at least 3 times and it always tells me that there's some communication problem! Anyway, I wonder which chapter is going to reveal more about 'sleeping beauty'? How many chapters are in this anyway? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, just curious. Ahh! Silas is back! I missed how he was always hungry and eating strange things. I was sure that he was going to go insane after losing all his memory but I'm glad I was wrong. I also wonder when Damien and Lillian will meet again...
9/17/2004 c22 Shoujo's Revenge
Wow this chapter has a lot of fighting. I liked how everyone fought especially Evonne's and Ian's battle. Poor Evonne and Ian, they must be so battered up. Their muscles skinless...kinda disgusting but the more gore the better. Evonne's little lifestory is so sad and Silas returns! I miss his cheerfulness and his huge appetite! Can't wait to find out what happens next.
Wow this chapter has a lot of fighting. I liked how everyone fought especially Evonne's and Ian's battle. Poor Evonne and Ian, they must be so battered up. Their muscles skinless...kinda disgusting but the more gore the better. Evonne's little lifestory is so sad and Silas returns! I miss his cheerfulness and his huge appetite! Can't wait to find out what happens next.
9/16/2004 c1 Lost in DreamLand
Argh! Fictionpress is getting annoying...this is A Dreamer's Reality, btw. FP cut off most of my review -.- Crappiness...so, ya. Lemme just attempt to recap what I said before...
I like your battle scenes. I find reading battle scenes interesting because the visuals that my mind comes up with is, I must say, hella cool. Especially when you had a double battle scene-after I was done reading, I had images of the two battles coinciding, but kinda flashing back and forth. I can't really describe it well, but lemme tell ya, it's neato looking. ^_^
And Silas! woot! Silas is back! I was wondering when he'd return. (yes, I am a Silas fan and proud of it!) Silas is one of my favorite char in HF, so yes, I was surprised by your cliffhanger. Recap: DARGH! *falls out of chair*
Argh! Fictionpress is getting annoying...this is A Dreamer's Reality, btw. FP cut off most of my review -.- Crappiness...so, ya. Lemme just attempt to recap what I said before...
I like your battle scenes. I find reading battle scenes interesting because the visuals that my mind comes up with is, I must say, hella cool. Especially when you had a double battle scene-after I was done reading, I had images of the two battles coinciding, but kinda flashing back and forth. I can't really describe it well, but lemme tell ya, it's neato looking. ^_^
And Silas! woot! Silas is back! I was wondering when he'd return. (yes, I am a Silas fan and proud of it!) Silas is one of my favorite char in HF, so yes, I was surprised by your cliffhanger. Recap: DARGH! *falls out of chair*
9/15/2004 c22 31Cindy Moon
Brilliant work, as always. How I envy your motivation and dedication on writing. It's almost as if your words flow from a river. ^_^ Yay, he's back! I love Silas.
Until next post then, and I will try my best to post something as well. I can't have you undermine by ablity.
Lots of love and inspiration to my favorite person,
-Cindy Moon *)
Brilliant work, as always. How I envy your motivation and dedication on writing. It's almost as if your words flow from a river. ^_^ Yay, he's back! I love Silas.
Until next post then, and I will try my best to post something as well. I can't have you undermine by ablity.
Lots of love and inspiration to my favorite person,
-Cindy Moon *)
9/14/2004 c22 42Green Yoshi
Sorry I've been out for so long... I've caught myself up, but I can't bring myself to go back and review every chapter I've missed. Wow, this story is really taking off, and I missed a whole lot. Alot has happened to Silas. While I'm a Demian man myself, I can't help but feel sorry for him. I figure everything will be ok in the end anyway. But hey, I guess I love a good tradgedy too. Love the fight scenes, its a whole new violent Geoff. By the way, did you know that I dispise cliff hangers?
Sorry I've been out for so long... I've caught myself up, but I can't bring myself to go back and review every chapter I've missed. Wow, this story is really taking off, and I missed a whole lot. Alot has happened to Silas. While I'm a Demian man myself, I can't help but feel sorry for him. I figure everything will be ok in the end anyway. But hey, I guess I love a good tradgedy too. Love the fight scenes, its a whole new violent Geoff. By the way, did you know that I dispise cliff hangers?
9/10/2004 c20 1Love Lulu
Well, I finally finished reading the last updated chapter...whew! but since the chapter 21 review button won't let me review, I'll just use number 20's. I'm just that determined.
Well, I started reading this story a while ago, but it was so time-consuming in my no-time life, that I soon gave up. But something compelled me to continue reading it when it came on the updated stories list. I was dead on determined to read this story. (And I did! w00t for me!)
But, anyways, I just wanted to let you know that it was your writing style that first interested me and with each chapter, I felt the story got better and better. Yah, I have to admit, it was a bit slow at first, but hey, no one said character building was easy.
Well, be happy! You now have a new stable reader! YAY! So don't disappoint and update soon! Arigato and sayonara!
Well, I finally finished reading the last updated chapter...whew! but since the chapter 21 review button won't let me review, I'll just use number 20's. I'm just that determined.
Well, I started reading this story a while ago, but it was so time-consuming in my no-time life, that I soon gave up. But something compelled me to continue reading it when it came on the updated stories list. I was dead on determined to read this story. (And I did! w00t for me!)
But, anyways, I just wanted to let you know that it was your writing style that first interested me and with each chapter, I felt the story got better and better. Yah, I have to admit, it was a bit slow at first, but hey, no one said character building was easy.
Well, be happy! You now have a new stable reader! YAY! So don't disappoint and update soon! Arigato and sayonara!