for Life5/3/2004 c1 
2Salvidar
Well well...the boy seems to have better material things in his life, but the poor girl seems to barely be making it. However, he seems to be alone and she still has the comfort and love of her family...very nice. (im not very good at poems, in case ur wondering)
2SalvidarWell well...the boy seems to have better material things in his life, but the poor girl seems to barely be making it. However, he seems to be alone and she still has the comfort and love of her family...very nice. (im not very good at poems, in case ur wondering)
4/14/2004 c1 8Torokaha
=D thanks for the review!
hmm... this definitely has potential. Well-written, too.
The thing that could really make an impact, though, is if you changed the wording a bit.
First off, poetry is emotion concentrate. It is the english language in a very powerful form. Therefore, you should cut out everyday prose nouns like "he" or "she" whenever possible. This will force the reader to focus on the subject of the words, elicting a stronger emotional response. [this may need re-wording, however, for it to sound right]
Also, change up the nouns used for the boy and girl if you are going to be prevalently using them. One idea would be to use "he" and "she" "boy" and "girl", etc, in pairs repetitively, but not overly-so.
Still, the idea is well-executed and gives the desired effect. You definitely have talent. Keep writing, FP needs more poets with ideas better than "ohmigawdibrokeupwitmybf!11!2!1!one"
;)
8Torokaha=D thanks for the review!
hmm... this definitely has potential. Well-written, too.
The thing that could really make an impact, though, is if you changed the wording a bit.
First off, poetry is emotion concentrate. It is the english language in a very powerful form. Therefore, you should cut out everyday prose nouns like "he" or "she" whenever possible. This will force the reader to focus on the subject of the words, elicting a stronger emotional response. [this may need re-wording, however, for it to sound right]
Also, change up the nouns used for the boy and girl if you are going to be prevalently using them. One idea would be to use "he" and "she" "boy" and "girl", etc, in pairs repetitively, but not overly-so.
Still, the idea is well-executed and gives the desired effect. You definitely have talent. Keep writing, FP needs more poets with ideas better than "ohmigawdibrokeupwitmybf!11!2!1!one"
;)
4/10/2004 c1 Moranar
You sound so casual like you're saying you don't think this is very good in the summary. It's good. And it's so true. I like the way you did it.
You sound so casual like you're saying you don't think this is very good in the summary. It's good. And it's so true. I like the way you did it.