for The Lost War6/14/2004 c4 galadriel1
The "suitor dogs" are hilarious, and your characterization really is excellent.
The "suitor dogs" are hilarious, and your characterization really is excellent.
6/14/2004 c2 galadriel1
Some gorgeous descriptions in here, "bird-like bones" is a neat one. I really like the interplay between Benavio and Auvri, particularly the last scene, with the comparison of their different roles in the war effort.
The pacing is still a little slow. Slow is good, but I find myself drifting through the descriptions, searching for concrete action. Maybe you just have to hone down the prose, being descriptive but keeping the reader involved.
Some gorgeous descriptions in here, "bird-like bones" is a neat one. I really like the interplay between Benavio and Auvri, particularly the last scene, with the comparison of their different roles in the war effort.
The pacing is still a little slow. Slow is good, but I find myself drifting through the descriptions, searching for concrete action. Maybe you just have to hone down the prose, being descriptive but keeping the reader involved.
6/11/2004 c1 galadriel1
Becky's obligatory review:
Slow start, but once things started happening, it made for an interesting beginning. Perhaps a better place to begin might be the actual entering of the cottage, since exposition takes care of everything before that. Like your first reviewer, I agree that the exposition itself, if subtler and more mysterious, would keep the reader interested. Then again, I am intrigued about the war itself, which you have wisely not told us much about yet.
Very descriptive, some cool imagery. Nice pacing. Could probably be simpler at times, but as an adverb junkie myself, I'm not one to complain. Both Auvri and Benavio are interesting characters, and I look forward to following their adventures. *runs on to read chapter 2*
Becky's obligatory review:
Slow start, but once things started happening, it made for an interesting beginning. Perhaps a better place to begin might be the actual entering of the cottage, since exposition takes care of everything before that. Like your first reviewer, I agree that the exposition itself, if subtler and more mysterious, would keep the reader interested. Then again, I am intrigued about the war itself, which you have wisely not told us much about yet.
Very descriptive, some cool imagery. Nice pacing. Could probably be simpler at times, but as an adverb junkie myself, I'm not one to complain. Both Auvri and Benavio are interesting characters, and I look forward to following their adventures. *runs on to read chapter 2*
5/4/2004 c1 
2Arathen
Hello! I just finished the first chapter of your story and here's my review.
I really think the first scene of any novel is very important in the respect that it must establish a 'hook', and by this I hope you know what I mean. So here goes.
In the beginning of the story you begin with Auvri wandering through the snow, and despite the eloquent, artistic descriptions of the surroundings, it's not really a good way to begin a story. Then a few paragraphs later we learn why the character is here in the woods and get a brief history. This is all shown by her remembrance, which is fine, but it leaves a huge question in my mind. I realize that Auvri's captors were only trying to help her, but if that's the case then why did they leave her out in the freezing wilderness to fend for herself!
Perhaps it would be better to begin within her thoughts while in their encampment, longing to escape from their clutches, despite their intentions. This would undoubtedly draw the reader in much quicker and move the sluggish (albeit very colorful) details along quicker. Logic is very important to a storyline, and it seems that this situation in the beginning needs some heavy consideration. Remember, if your writing a novel, you have to constantly keep your reader on the edge and draw them farther into the storyline. Yes there are theologies and details differing from the mainstream 'fantasy' world, but this kind of information needs to be worked into the storyline gradually. Less telling, more showing. Sure we can know a few facts about the character, but dumping the whole reason for one's existence onto the reader in the beginning is also not a very good idea. The mystery of a character and 'what's going to happen, what's going on?' is going to make the reader want to continue on, right?
Another thing... lots of 'ly' adverbs in here; more towards the end. Your writing is very good -some of the best I've seen on fiction press, but finding another way to use the same word, but without the 'ly,' that will make your writing much better. But don't omit them altogether, their not off limits. If the sentence sounds wrong, redo it, and then reread again. Some of the sentences needed more comments too. One in particular comes to mind.
She was an angel, Benavio had heard; he had heard that she was as tall as a weeping willow with her arms hanging down to people in tear streaks of branches,...
We don't need the "he had heard" part again. There are several other places throughout the story where repetitiveness damages the flow of the text.
He straightened and moved sheepishly about the room... ...with a tightness of shame and sheepishness.
Again, we don't need the 'sheepishness,' watch out for things like this. I catch myself doing it sometimes. It also seemed a little illogical that Benavio field dressed the dear inside the cabin, knowing full well that it was going to wreak. This is probably the most illogical scene in the story; yeah, obviously the characters aren't going to remain in the shack, and the blood would have showed up a lot in the snow, but it wouldn't have been too hard to throw more snow over it to conceal it, that is if this is what you're trying to say here, I'm not for sure. Still, it seems weird even if it is so cold outside.
Well I suppose I'm done tearing your story apart (kidding!). Many of the analogies you use I really enjoyed, the description of the atmospheres and objects and characters is very solid and original. Not any cliches, and that's really hard to do these days with so many avid writers. I especially liked the desripting of the black trees against the sky. Another thing: it's so very clashing that the soldier is afraid of the gore from the deer and the girl is not, being exposed to so much violence at such an early age. It is so much more difficult for Benavio to deal with because his mind is more mature than the girls, and he has obviously seen much brutality.
I also like your sentence structuring; it forces the reader to slow down and absorb the images being portrayed, something I try to do myself. I've also begun a novel, with a prologue and one chapter completed so far. As a fellow writer, I'd invite you to check out my stuff and give me a critique if you want. I'm going to be looking out for updates on your story!
2ArathenHello! I just finished the first chapter of your story and here's my review.
I really think the first scene of any novel is very important in the respect that it must establish a 'hook', and by this I hope you know what I mean. So here goes.
In the beginning of the story you begin with Auvri wandering through the snow, and despite the eloquent, artistic descriptions of the surroundings, it's not really a good way to begin a story. Then a few paragraphs later we learn why the character is here in the woods and get a brief history. This is all shown by her remembrance, which is fine, but it leaves a huge question in my mind. I realize that Auvri's captors were only trying to help her, but if that's the case then why did they leave her out in the freezing wilderness to fend for herself!
Perhaps it would be better to begin within her thoughts while in their encampment, longing to escape from their clutches, despite their intentions. This would undoubtedly draw the reader in much quicker and move the sluggish (albeit very colorful) details along quicker. Logic is very important to a storyline, and it seems that this situation in the beginning needs some heavy consideration. Remember, if your writing a novel, you have to constantly keep your reader on the edge and draw them farther into the storyline. Yes there are theologies and details differing from the mainstream 'fantasy' world, but this kind of information needs to be worked into the storyline gradually. Less telling, more showing. Sure we can know a few facts about the character, but dumping the whole reason for one's existence onto the reader in the beginning is also not a very good idea. The mystery of a character and 'what's going to happen, what's going on?' is going to make the reader want to continue on, right?
Another thing... lots of 'ly' adverbs in here; more towards the end. Your writing is very good -some of the best I've seen on fiction press, but finding another way to use the same word, but without the 'ly,' that will make your writing much better. But don't omit them altogether, their not off limits. If the sentence sounds wrong, redo it, and then reread again. Some of the sentences needed more comments too. One in particular comes to mind.
She was an angel, Benavio had heard; he had heard that she was as tall as a weeping willow with her arms hanging down to people in tear streaks of branches,...
We don't need the "he had heard" part again. There are several other places throughout the story where repetitiveness damages the flow of the text.
He straightened and moved sheepishly about the room... ...with a tightness of shame and sheepishness.
Again, we don't need the 'sheepishness,' watch out for things like this. I catch myself doing it sometimes. It also seemed a little illogical that Benavio field dressed the dear inside the cabin, knowing full well that it was going to wreak. This is probably the most illogical scene in the story; yeah, obviously the characters aren't going to remain in the shack, and the blood would have showed up a lot in the snow, but it wouldn't have been too hard to throw more snow over it to conceal it, that is if this is what you're trying to say here, I'm not for sure. Still, it seems weird even if it is so cold outside.
Well I suppose I'm done tearing your story apart (kidding!). Many of the analogies you use I really enjoyed, the description of the atmospheres and objects and characters is very solid and original. Not any cliches, and that's really hard to do these days with so many avid writers. I especially liked the desripting of the black trees against the sky. Another thing: it's so very clashing that the soldier is afraid of the gore from the deer and the girl is not, being exposed to so much violence at such an early age. It is so much more difficult for Benavio to deal with because his mind is more mature than the girls, and he has obviously seen much brutality.
I also like your sentence structuring; it forces the reader to slow down and absorb the images being portrayed, something I try to do myself. I've also begun a novel, with a prologue and one chapter completed so far. As a fellow writer, I'd invite you to check out my stuff and give me a critique if you want. I'm going to be looking out for updates on your story!