for Urban Legends11/26/2004 c1 
3jimmythesnitch
cinnamongirl? what's up with that?
anyway, i already told you what i thought of this but i'll tell you again just cause. i for one liked the addition of the fox (which i only know is the trickster because of the simpsons) but it may have been a little too subtle for some. sometimes you have to assume your audience is a bit dense to get the overall message of the story across.
awesome description, although i'd lose the implied dialogue tags, such as "he said". it's implied with quotations so it isn't needed to be said, try replacing those with actions to correspond with the dialogue.
it was an awesome story though, now review mine!
i command it...
3jimmythesnitchcinnamongirl? what's up with that?
anyway, i already told you what i thought of this but i'll tell you again just cause. i for one liked the addition of the fox (which i only know is the trickster because of the simpsons) but it may have been a little too subtle for some. sometimes you have to assume your audience is a bit dense to get the overall message of the story across.
awesome description, although i'd lose the implied dialogue tags, such as "he said". it's implied with quotations so it isn't needed to be said, try replacing those with actions to correspond with the dialogue.
it was an awesome story though, now review mine!
i command it...
8/10/2004 c1 aranelisse
Extremely well written. Keep it coming.
Extremely well written. Keep it coming.
5/10/2004 c1 30Cinnamongirl
well, I don't know if you'll ever see this, but I felt the need to explain some of the things you aparently didn't understand. For one thing, the gun shot didn't matter, he lives in a ghetto for Christ's sake. It was just a random event to get him into the alley. Secondly, he doesn't abandon Cordelia, I thought it was fairly well established that when he turns around she's up the street just like when he found her in the dream world, you see it's supposed to be a twist. You're supposed to ask "would he do it again in real life?" And lastly the thing with the Cayote would be explained if I turned this into a longer story. I just want to know if people find this interesting enough to BECOME a real story. Guess not, huh?
30Cinnamongirlwell, I don't know if you'll ever see this, but I felt the need to explain some of the things you aparently didn't understand. For one thing, the gun shot didn't matter, he lives in a ghetto for Christ's sake. It was just a random event to get him into the alley. Secondly, he doesn't abandon Cordelia, I thought it was fairly well established that when he turns around she's up the street just like when he found her in the dream world, you see it's supposed to be a twist. You're supposed to ask "would he do it again in real life?" And lastly the thing with the Cayote would be explained if I turned this into a longer story. I just want to know if people find this interesting enough to BECOME a real story. Guess not, huh?
5/10/2004 c1 Just Wolf
Depending on how you look at it, this was either absolutely genious, or absloutely crap.
First I will tell you why I think it is genious:
-Your prose is wonderful and skilful. It ranges between being old fashioned, and slightly pretentious, and tob eing almsot naive and fresh and kind of new, like a crocus gettign through the earth. That made for a beautiful style and explosive mix.
-Your use of detail was very well done in the creation of Ken's charachter. He was very solid and well strucutured and interesting. the first scene gave us a wonderful image of him.
- I liked the mysterious feeling the slum town gave us, and the scene with the pimp was very dramatic and gritty.
Now why I though it wasn't so great:
-Frankly, your plot sucks. I'm sorry, but it does. My first major problem is WHERE DID THE GUNSHOT COME FROM?
-Secondly,whatever happened to cordelia? Why did he abandon her?
-Thirdly, you really really need to explain the Coyote thing,b ecause it just made no sense.
-And finally, this,a s short story, didn't wok. the beginign was jammed with needless detail, and the ending left us with not satisfaction and nor eal feeling. Yuor story gave a genral impression of, so what? And it needn't of, because it started off interesting. But it sort of got stuck in the middle. -you need to either (a) make this a longer piece or (b) change the begining around, and give less detail, and give mroe detail to the slum town.
That's all for now. I am very sorry if I offended you.
Depending on how you look at it, this was either absolutely genious, or absloutely crap.
First I will tell you why I think it is genious:
-Your prose is wonderful and skilful. It ranges between being old fashioned, and slightly pretentious, and tob eing almsot naive and fresh and kind of new, like a crocus gettign through the earth. That made for a beautiful style and explosive mix.
-Your use of detail was very well done in the creation of Ken's charachter. He was very solid and well strucutured and interesting. the first scene gave us a wonderful image of him.
- I liked the mysterious feeling the slum town gave us, and the scene with the pimp was very dramatic and gritty.
Now why I though it wasn't so great:
-Frankly, your plot sucks. I'm sorry, but it does. My first major problem is WHERE DID THE GUNSHOT COME FROM?
-Secondly,whatever happened to cordelia? Why did he abandon her?
-Thirdly, you really really need to explain the Coyote thing,b ecause it just made no sense.
-And finally, this,a s short story, didn't wok. the beginign was jammed with needless detail, and the ending left us with not satisfaction and nor eal feeling. Yuor story gave a genral impression of, so what? And it needn't of, because it started off interesting. But it sort of got stuck in the middle. -you need to either (a) make this a longer piece or (b) change the begining around, and give less detail, and give mroe detail to the slum town.
That's all for now. I am very sorry if I offended you.
5/9/2004 c1 17amarthawen
great story line, voice, description and tone. you are a very talented writer. keep it up.
17amarthawengreat story line, voice, description and tone. you are a very talented writer. keep it up.