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for The Third Day

3/29/2007 c26 71Bob Evans


After reading this I find myself slightly...confused.

Your style of writing seems rushed. Like you posted it hot off the press. I suggest some serious editing and rewriting. The concept is good, but the way you delivered it could've used some improvement. Also, this sounds a lot like Resident Evil (especially the Y-virus and various bio-weapon monster). And the Brain laser sounds very reminiscent of the memory eraser in Pay Check (brain temperature having to be monitored).

As the story progressed the plot managed to stay together for the most part, but I noticed subtle inconsistencies that ruined the story canon. An example of this (one which you even took the liberty of pointing out and then not changing in previous chapters) was the name of the company that created this virus.

Towards the end you put way too much into your author's notes. I guess they didn't have the Private Messaging feature when this was published, but I found myself skipping through quite a bit of it looking for anything you might've wanted to tell the reader specifically. Then, you went and revealed way too much through your author notes. Perhaps a much more subtle approach? That way you'll have your readers curious about what possible secrets you could be planning. You went out of your way to tell us what those were, defeating the purpose of reader-speculation.

The story itself was fun, but a few things bothered me; like for the fact that your podunk town had a population of 100,0 (which would have been world news had it been hit by said bombs and biological outbreaks). Then as the story progressed it went from being a large city to a small pondunk town. It's amazing how many changes this city has gone through. On top of that, your "small" town managed to survive a nuclear weapon, with most of the buildings intact. Even though you used a neutron bomb, unless the city was significantly bigger, the bomb alone would've flattened all the structures. Also, I'm pretty sure zombies aren't radiation proof (of course this is up for debate), but a neutron bomb would practically wipe out any organic flesh out there; humans, zombies, dogs, everything.

However, against all that, I still enjoyed reading this. I would suggest going back and thoroughly editing and possibly rewriting it altogether, but keep it. It's still a good story.

~Bob Evans
12/10/2004 c2 3minya-13
lol i take it your really into action do you want to join the defence force someday and one of the books i was telling you about is called the chronicles of the ages i think i havnt read them in ages also if ur into action and witchcraft and tradition the black jewel trilly by anne bishop is a good set of books to read well have fun may the darkness embrace you Minya
12/9/2004 c2 9Dr. Beowulf
One word for how you inspired me: zombies. You've got a good, solid zombie story and I got something out of that.
12/9/2004 c1 Dr. Beowulf
Ha! Take that, modern technology! Yo, I just got this a account a month ago and I've been meaning to get around to reviewing this. I love this story. It actually inspired to do a story that I'm workin' on right now! (Check out R Complex, please. I need your approval to make my life meaningful. Not really, but it'd be nice of you.)
8/31/2004 c26 Fire Walk with Me
After reading this whole story, I felt a little, well, befuddled (is that a word? Because that's how I feel!)
...Why would they inject a numbing agent into David's bloodstream in order to take a blood sample? Wouldn't the chemical complicate blood analyzation?
...Their birthdates and such are all the same, yet you never go into detail as to why. Hmm...
...If you replace the names of characters and corporations with the appropriate names from RESIDENT EVIL (Rowan = Wesker, Karen = Ada, or so I believe), you basically have, well, RESIDENT EVIL.
The zombie action seemed to fizzle out into nothing as the story went on, which is one of my beefs with your story. Another thing that didn't really grab me is that everything seemed too easy (convenient) for the heroes: Bundles of weapons at their disposal, tricky situations that are resolved within a paragraph, and so on...
But I must give you cheers for writing out the full story, instead of submitting one chapter and never updating it, as a lot of other users here tend to do.
Thank you for writing the story, and always...
...Keep Writing!
:: Fire Walk with Me
7/23/2004 c1 8furry creature
whoa, haven't reviewd for a while. but this looks good, although i'm a little confused as to why they're destroying and entire city. oh well.
7/3/2004 c4 1Rapid
I have read some of your story and i like most of the characters, but i only have 1 problem. Its about the british soldier, it is unlikely that if the british had a choice they wouldn't send someone from MI6 on a search and rescue mission. MI6 is for spying missions. They would most likely send someone from the SAS, as they are one of the most elite force in the entire world. Little forces have done as much, and little forces could beat them in combat. Otherwise, i love your story. Plus if he was SAS he wouldn't be first dead and he wouldn't wet himself. So you have something against the british, nothing good about the british is said in this story, no offence. It's just that i'm british.
7/3/2004 c2 26Endless Nightmares
Hello- Nice job here, I am really looking for the horror, so I am guessing it's coming up in the next few chapters.
7/3/2004 c1 Endless Nightmares
Hello- Nice job on this so far. I am seeing the amount of reviews, and geez, thats a lot. I wish more people would review work. I think the site would be better. Anyway, overall, good job.
7/3/2004 c26 12SkyeWolf25
Ha-ha! That was rather stupid of them to tape their meetings, anyway, that was a good note to finish this on. Deer in the headlights for those boys! Anyway, now onto Crimson Africa, also, I plan on posting chapter eighteen very soon. Keep your eyes open.
7/3/2004 c25 SkyeWolf25
Well, well, it appears to me that this is drawing to a close. Good show, as they say. Still I am relieved the character who shares my name did not end up as a werewolf. So, onto the last chapter. . .*sad sniff*
7/2/2004 c24 SkyeWolf25
Interesting facts, Alareic, I never knew scrubbing could get you arrested. Still, you've given us another cliffee I see.
7/2/2004 c23 SkyeWolf25
Your serious, its illegal to give a cat a cigar? *grin. . .smirk. . .finally busting out laughing* Poliicans, what will they think up next? Good chapter, its sad to see a good thing coming to a end, but the sequel is out, so I can have patience.
7/2/2004 c22 SkyeWolf25
You know, it would be the character that is named after me that starts mutating into werewolf. . *sigh*, anyway, great chapter. So, it looks like this is drawing to a close, and I see you already have the sequel out. Hm. . .Crimson Africa looks good, I'll check it out once I am finished here. You should also know that the final countdown for "The Legend of Galinisan" has begun. I posted 16&17 today, only two more chappies, and its shows over. I just hope you enjoyed it.
7/1/2004 c26 31Shadow Gryphon
Okies, here's the magical gift of formating. Spread the joy! What you do is you cut the part of the story you want to update and paste it into a new document (Using Microsoft Word) Then, go to the File bar, and instead of clicking Save or Save As, there should be an option labled "save as webpage" Then upload that file. and you got it with all the special effects.
Me, Loa, and the Shadow from Watersong; usually ok, but deadly when we get ticked.
You said you were making a sequel, right? Hurry up! lol. Can't wait!
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