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for Eccentric Agents: Two

5/21/2004 c2 Written In Darkness
This chapter was quite good. It had its pros and cons, but I am pretty sure you can spot that out for yourself. I think you nailed the grab the reader part of the story. Nicely done on the narrations. Details were good, and descriptions were alright. This story has promise.
5/21/2004 c1 Written In Darkness
Hmm, very interesting. Some errors here and there, but nothing a fixing up a bit can do. A lot more graphic descriptions will be a plus for this growing story.
5/21/2004 c1 13sunscraped
Ha ha ha… I saw the title ‘Eccentric’ and had to click. Maybe because it’s one of my favorite words. Anyways, I heard about you from reading reviews on MouSee’s SITL. Ok, time to get to business.
The first mistake I spotted was this one: “They were going home with five pounds of marijuana hidden away in a piñata in the trunk and a keg with it.” Sounds a bit… Weird. Maybe you should’ve moved it around a bit, like saying “They were going home with a piñata full of five pounds of marijuana hidden in the trunk, along with a keg of beer.”
“…and removed one of the home-made ones he had stored away in it.” Home-made cigarettes, or what? You neglect to mention. It might be a good thing to do that next time, so everything makes sense.
“‘Give me some of that 4:20 shit man,’ Samuel ordered. ‘I’ve always wondered what it would be like to drive stoned as shit man.’” The repetition of the word shit is kinda off, and you might want to check for grammar mistakes. Remember, I’m just trying to help!
‘ Frederick made his eyes go wide and threw his arms up in the air.’ You might want to put that in the same place as when you mentioned gales of laughter.
‘They all waited for him to start laughing, but all he did was stared at the back of Samuel’s seat with a smile on his face.’ The tense for stare is wrong. I’ve done that before on accident, so I’m assuming yours was an accident as well.
“Tanya Bead—the daughter of Mr. Bead” Might I ask what relevance this is?
“…as his eyes went wide—wider than usual anyway, and spiked the brakes.” Shouldn’t there be another hyphen where the comma is? I’m sure it’s just a simple typo.
‘“Jesus,” Frederick muttered from the back seat. None of them had ever seen a serious car accident before then; and none of them wanted to again after the fact. “Christ.”’ Shouldn’t you put Jesus and Christ together instead of separating them with another sentence? Doesn’t flow well that way.
“…out of the Chevrolet’s driver side’s half open and shattered window.” The “‘s” that are in this sentence is a bit excessive. Maybe “…Out of the Chevrolet’s half-open shattered diver’s side window” or something. I am not creative right now…
I like how you described the car accident. Very detailed; you don’t spare the audience any detail. That’s really good.
“…she was sitting hunched over—despite the slight incline of the Chevrolet from it being thrust up on the Ford—“ This didn’t make any sense to me. What is ‘it’?
“His neck had been sliced somehow in the crash” You might want to switch sliced and somehow around. Just flows better.
“She was well dressed as well with a brown business suit as well.” Probably just a little mistake. The as well repeats a bit much.
“Norman then turned back to look at the carnage in front of them. Then he jumped back out of the car with a gasp.” Sounds like he was out of the car in the beginning.
‘“Lean back,” Norman ordered and girl jumped before obliging. She rested against the seat reluctantly after spotting the knife in his hand. She feared that if she didn’t obey he would cut her, and that wouldn’t be a very fitting death for her now would it? Quite anticlimactic.’ I enjoy how you put this. It’s very… Flavorful?
“Vernita was the first of the five targets the Bride was shone having killed.” This didn’t make too much sense to me either.
“The driver had been her father.” After Sally stated that he was her father, this seemed rather redundant.
“They were oh so silent” This should be hyphenated. Just for the effect.
“He walked away with no scratches luckily enough for him.” I don’t really know how to fix that…
I also enjoy how you made the chase scene. Suspenseful.
Really well written story. I don’t normally enjoy these types of stories, but this one is very good. And I always wanted to be an anal retentive reviewer and you were the first one I came across, so… Congrats on your anal review (given by me)!
5/21/2004 c2 2the world woke up without me
Excellent. Very simple, but no less direct for it. You should be proud of yourself, dude.
5/19/2004 c1 70Alex-Blake
I can see the Stephen King Influence here.
Your characters are in some ways, Pathetic but very real, but they take drugs so in a way the pathetic sort of goes with the territory.
I liked how they all reacted to eachother and how they interacted.
It was good the way you made a typically normal situation into something more siniter and confusing.
But It was a bit boring and they had shit names.
Your one of the best authors on this site, but you need to improve.
P.s Don't take this as a flame, because compared to other reviews I've given this is practically complete and utter praise.
5/15/2004 c1 8Bleeding-Gemstone
I wish they put the part about Don in the IT movie.. That was really good. Keep writing!

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