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6/25/2004 c1 Tobemora
Ah, Egypt. Like no oter place in Africa! I'm going to Ethiopia this fall, so perhaps I will be able to tell you of the similarities when I get back!
One thing I would watch out for in this piece is switching the point of view. You switch from present tense to past tense a few times. It may be on purpose, I don't know. Just make sure you watch for things like that that make it cumbersome for the reader.
Other than that, great piece! Beautiful imagry!
-tobemora
5/25/2004 c1 22MagenDavid
"The young girl's eyes were closed, as she twisted her hands skyward, moving her feet in serpentine patterns. The gold bangles she wore on her ankles clacked as she stomped her heels into the dusty ground, dancing to her own musical tune. Her belly shone bronze as she continued to dance in her sinuous way, a smile playing across her face."
-My fav. lines.
Awesome piece of work!
5/17/2004 c1 5Lavender Knight
hm...this is an introduction is it not?
I'm just going to assume it is, and hope you excuse my ignorance if it is not.
~
But in further terms, I must say that it creates the scenery quite well and your intent seemed to be brought across. We are suddenly seeing the city in the eyes of someone just here to visit or through the eyes of someone who's lived here for ages and merely describing the scene.
~
It promises a good plot and I hope you carry on with it. I most certainly will read on.
~
Cheers!
5/17/2004 c1 7spicymulatta
Wow! Lis, you've amazed me once more. There are only a few things I'd fix, and they're all technical things, not literary. Nice job!

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