Just In
for The Age of the Dead

12/31/2005 c1 3Marcus Stanton
You are trying to hard to make this story like a good movie. And by doing nothing but referencing to movies you make it seem a little too cardboard. The characters aren't very realistic.
1/12/2005 c1 2goochflex
Awesome beginning to a zombie story. A little stereotypical though, lovers/zombies. Everyone has read a story like this. You need something to take on anedge. Also when you are writing, try to show the reader, rather than telling them. "Just so you know that the zombies weren’t invincible, about fifteen of the zombies had been killed by the stronger students. However, for each zombie killed another two or three took its place because each person killed by a zombie got up and became one as well." Show the reader that the students were holding their own and that the other students get up and start to "get down with the sickness." It's easy, just try not to narrate and let the story tell itself rather than someone who sees all doing it. Thats all I got for now. Keep this up.Gooch
6/1/2004 c1 26Endless Nightmares
Even though I'm not a fan of zombies, I enjoyed the darkness within this first chapter.
5/27/2004 c1 7Kerrin Allen
I thought the story was pretty good, but the part when you said 'They were running. Running just like the fucking zombies from “28 Days Later” and the remake to “Dawn of the Dead”!'
really needs to be edited out. It's an unwritten law that you cannot mention other zombie movies/stories in your own story. I think the story would do a lot better without that part. Other than that, the story ruled and im looking forward to reading the other zombie series you have.
5/24/2004 c1 Don Lumberg
Hi. I'm a lawyer who works for the Pepsi corporation and also the movie "Sling Blade." Im suing you for 2.5 Million dollars for mentioning both items in this story. Thank you and have a nice day.
5/23/2004 c1 2the world woke up without me
What the hell are you talking about 'rushed and poorly written'? That was heaps cool. I love the bit where she ices that Zombie with a weight. Brilliant.
Hmm... I love that part at the beginning. '...or rather, hell went to everything else.' I think that was sweet.
Thanks for everything, dude.
5/23/2004 c1 2mushroom-hunter-d
hey there,
nice to see a old-fashioned gory zombie story. (always been a fan of zombies, vampires are boring)
The second half of the chapter was great, fast paced and exciting. The first half was a bit slow though, a bit too much time was spent discribing clothes and details that didn't seem that important. dispite that I have no idea what the main character actually looks like other than his eyes, is he tall, short, fat, thin, pimpily, long hair or short?
This may just be a stylistic thing, but I don't like the way the narrator occasionally addresses the reader directly, eg. "Yes, Francis had indeed seen “Sling Blade”." If the reader had seen "Sling Blade" they presumably they would get the reference, if they hadn't (like me) they'd miss the reference and never know it. As it is these asides interrupt the flow of the story and break the tension (not a good thing in a horror story). The only way I could see them working is when the story is written in first person. Same problem for "(not pronounced “Rae-chel”, but pronounced “Ra-shell”)", this bit of information doesn't help the reader at all except in the unlikely event they were reading out loud. If you really must put in that information, make a footnote and put it all at the end.
Also, "he was damn lucky he ever made it the fuck out of there" having your character swear is fine, but again, unless written in first person or told by a specific character, the narrator shouldn't swear.
Uhh..wow, that's a lotta concrit, actually it's just one problem. The rest of your story, spelling etc. was pretty good from what I could see.
This has potential to be a great story, and once you get into your stride you write action very well. I'm looking forward to the next chapter. Good luck.
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