for The Three Powers5/8/2011 c10 sweetpea265
Still really enjoying this story. There are so many exciting twists to this story I really don't know how you keep track while writing it. You are doing a pretty good job by the way. Really, the only thing I could critique you on is sometimes you leave a letter out of a word every once in a while. I think you forgot the "b" to the word "be" so it was just "e" :). Oh, sometimes when the scene changes I'm a little confused as to who the characters are until I am already into the second paragraph. Maybe you could say where the scene is taking place with just a sentence or two at the beginning of a new scene which would give you options for transitions. You do it well sometimes already, but not always so that's something to work on a little. Other than that can't see too much wrong with your writing, if there is the story more than makes up for it. Now, on with the story. :)
Still really enjoying this story. There are so many exciting twists to this story I really don't know how you keep track while writing it. You are doing a pretty good job by the way. Really, the only thing I could critique you on is sometimes you leave a letter out of a word every once in a while. I think you forgot the "b" to the word "be" so it was just "e" :). Oh, sometimes when the scene changes I'm a little confused as to who the characters are until I am already into the second paragraph. Maybe you could say where the scene is taking place with just a sentence or two at the beginning of a new scene which would give you options for transitions. You do it well sometimes already, but not always so that's something to work on a little. Other than that can't see too much wrong with your writing, if there is the story more than makes up for it. Now, on with the story. :)
5/8/2011 c8 sweetpea265
Loving this story. I usually read stories with romance in them, but I'm really enjoying this story so far and am glad I decided to read it.
Loving this story. I usually read stories with romance in them, but I'm really enjoying this story so far and am glad I decided to read it.
5/8/2011 c3 sweetpea265
I'm really enjoying this story so far. So many places it can go. I only really noticed one thing that might be wrong and that is you called Bestole a King. I thought he was a Baron. Anyways, I'm enjoying it and am glad you took the time to write it.
I'm really enjoying this story so far. So many places it can go. I only really noticed one thing that might be wrong and that is you called Bestole a King. I thought he was a Baron. Anyways, I'm enjoying it and am glad you took the time to write it.
10/9/2010 c43 Zira
I don't know how this system works exactly but hopefully you get some kind of email alert or something when somebody reviews your story, because its been a while since you finished this but I want you to get this review.
Anyhow, I just finished reading this. I just stumbled across it and got through it in a week of almost nonstop reading whenever I had spare time. It really kept me interested, to say the least. The characters were great, but I there were so many and I had a hard time feeling really connected to them all with so many jumbling around in there. I understand that a lot of them were secondary characters and that they were all necessary to the plot, but at times I couldn't even remember who was who. It might help to develop each character a little more, or perhaps (painful though it is, I know) re-evaluate each one and cut those that don't play a truly crucial role. Remember, these are just suggestions-
-you know your story better than anyone and don't let others sway your judgment unless it feels right to you. That being said, I did really identify with the main characters a lot. They were very real. I especially loved Ranara and the way she grew and developed as a character. The chapter where she was turned into a vampire was so emotional! I don't usually cry when I read but that made me shed a few tears. I didn't like Sasilyna too much, as a person that is-she was a very well-developed character. I didn't dislike her either-i guess you could say she's just someone that took a little warming up to. I think that's because she was so real to me though, and if I met her in real life I think I'd take a little while getting to like her too. Something about her pride, I guess, just grated on my nerves in the beginning. I loved Arundis! And Damaros, Lorenda, Saul, and of course Willon. He was a great villain and you even managed to make me feel sorry for him at times...and then turn right around and make me remember why I hated him so much. Good job.
Your plot was great. It progressed at a good pace and you always kept things interesting. It was a little slow at the start but the last half or so definitely made up for it. It kept me in suspense and always wanting to read and find out more. I liked all the different perspectives you used. It was nice to see things from different points of view. Some of the scenes from Willon's were especially fun to read. The setting and the different races and cultures were very well described. I loved how you described Melsara. I also liked your vampires. When you read a vampire story these days its sometimes hard to know what exactly you're getting yourself into, whether its the more traditional garlic-sensitive type of the sparkling Twilight kind (puke). Too often you see writers who do this huge info-dump describing their unique vampires or worse, don't tell you anything until surprise! Vampire 1 has some sort of convenient unexplained special power or whatever. I was happy that your story did neither. You revealed things as they were necessary in a natural way that didn't interupt the story and made them entirely believable. I appreciated that since they were so important to the story.
There were a few loose ends I would have liked to have seen tied up. I wanted to know more about Rylan and this mysterious brother of his who was vaguely mentioned and never turned up again. I wanted to know how exactly Ranara managed to steal the dagger from Taniso. And the end could have been longe, not so vague I guess-I like a good solid happy ending after so many struggles, but maybe that's just me. The ending did work for the story though so I guess I shouldn't complain. :)
Well, I don't know what else to say except that I loved this, it was wonderful, and THANK YOU for writing this for my enjoyment and the enjoyment of many others who have and will read it. I'll probably be checking out some of your other stories too now. There's nothing like a writer who knows how to tell a story well.
I don't know how this system works exactly but hopefully you get some kind of email alert or something when somebody reviews your story, because its been a while since you finished this but I want you to get this review.
Anyhow, I just finished reading this. I just stumbled across it and got through it in a week of almost nonstop reading whenever I had spare time. It really kept me interested, to say the least. The characters were great, but I there were so many and I had a hard time feeling really connected to them all with so many jumbling around in there. I understand that a lot of them were secondary characters and that they were all necessary to the plot, but at times I couldn't even remember who was who. It might help to develop each character a little more, or perhaps (painful though it is, I know) re-evaluate each one and cut those that don't play a truly crucial role. Remember, these are just suggestions-
-you know your story better than anyone and don't let others sway your judgment unless it feels right to you. That being said, I did really identify with the main characters a lot. They were very real. I especially loved Ranara and the way she grew and developed as a character. The chapter where she was turned into a vampire was so emotional! I don't usually cry when I read but that made me shed a few tears. I didn't like Sasilyna too much, as a person that is-she was a very well-developed character. I didn't dislike her either-i guess you could say she's just someone that took a little warming up to. I think that's because she was so real to me though, and if I met her in real life I think I'd take a little while getting to like her too. Something about her pride, I guess, just grated on my nerves in the beginning. I loved Arundis! And Damaros, Lorenda, Saul, and of course Willon. He was a great villain and you even managed to make me feel sorry for him at times...and then turn right around and make me remember why I hated him so much. Good job.
Your plot was great. It progressed at a good pace and you always kept things interesting. It was a little slow at the start but the last half or so definitely made up for it. It kept me in suspense and always wanting to read and find out more. I liked all the different perspectives you used. It was nice to see things from different points of view. Some of the scenes from Willon's were especially fun to read. The setting and the different races and cultures were very well described. I loved how you described Melsara. I also liked your vampires. When you read a vampire story these days its sometimes hard to know what exactly you're getting yourself into, whether its the more traditional garlic-sensitive type of the sparkling Twilight kind (puke). Too often you see writers who do this huge info-dump describing their unique vampires or worse, don't tell you anything until surprise! Vampire 1 has some sort of convenient unexplained special power or whatever. I was happy that your story did neither. You revealed things as they were necessary in a natural way that didn't interupt the story and made them entirely believable. I appreciated that since they were so important to the story.
There were a few loose ends I would have liked to have seen tied up. I wanted to know more about Rylan and this mysterious brother of his who was vaguely mentioned and never turned up again. I wanted to know how exactly Ranara managed to steal the dagger from Taniso. And the end could have been longe, not so vague I guess-I like a good solid happy ending after so many struggles, but maybe that's just me. The ending did work for the story though so I guess I shouldn't complain. :)
Well, I don't know what else to say except that I loved this, it was wonderful, and THANK YOU for writing this for my enjoyment and the enjoyment of many others who have and will read it. I'll probably be checking out some of your other stories too now. There's nothing like a writer who knows how to tell a story well.
7/22/2009 c42 
3spikedmango
I like the chapter title you came up with! ^_^ Groups of three are always interesting.
The line about the soldiers and officers all being willing to cut off any mercy, well, that's a good line. It's another very war-ish line that hammers home the reality they're in. And every time I read over it I shiver a little. Sasilyna having the most energy was fitting indeed, and I loved being able to read 'both her sisters' again. And the idea of Vedis dying was still a gut-punch - good and emotional, obviously. (Also, I noticed that there's a sentence starting 'He was a necromancer' only the e in He is missing.)
Hello Yelanj! ^_^ It was good to hear from her with the battle over. (I keep seeing commercials for Merlin, with a dragon talking, that always make me think of Yelanj - since Merlin's dragon can speak perfectly.) I can only imagine how much it hurt for Sasilyna to ask her sister when she needed to … eat. But you put in some wonderful little details to give me as much of a sense as possible. Her likening Ranara's new fangs to the fangs of a viper, for one, and counseling herself on the state of her breathing (while noticing Ranara isn't, and won't be again) for another, really combined to form a good - if pained - picture of her emotional state at the moment.
The idea, also, that Lorenda (and Sasilyna herself, generally speaking) are in charge of Ranara - to an extent - is interesting. Because Ranara isn't capable of fully controlling herself yet and Damaros isn't in the best and most trustworthy of positions. Adjusting to Ranara's new state and combined with seeing her run off to feed really shows just how much emotional pressure Sasilyna is under. And goes a long way towards setting up her troubled state later in the chapter, when she does herself so much damage in her efforts to save Vedis.
Ranara's scene was wonderfully dark and eerie and even a little heartbreaking, which I'm sure you were aiming for. I really hadn't considered how people at large would react to her, er, transformation - I guess I wasn't thinking that far, or I was just concerned with the immediate group of characters, but, wow. That's going to make her transition back to regular society even more difficult, despite being able to go out in the sun as she is.
The way you described everything was great. It felt very much like we were shut off, pushed away from most of the setting and Lorenda especially. The tunnel vision Ranara was experiencing, the struggle she was having to keep herself focused, really came through here. And her nearly confronting the person she was feeding from - that was great. A moment where she could've given into darker urges and didn't. She just did what she had to do, she didn't torture him for what he'd done in the past as Willon might probably have done.
Even reading through again I was still so worried for Vedis. Broken ribs are a big, big deal. Plus the, you know, blood loss. And in this scene you could really see things start to crumble on Sasilyna. She's had so much on her shoulders for so long and seeing Vedis at this point was kind of like the straw that broke the camel's back. All of it came crashing down and she was willing to do anything to save someone, keep one more person from not dying. It was a very powerful moment, emotionally. (Also, in this scene, noticed Vedis was "loosing" blood - vs. losing.)
It was also kind of … dreamy. Sasilyna was focused in a different way than Ranara was, earlier, but still very focused and driven towards one point. Her observations really showed how much shock she was in. The detail that really stuck out to show that, I mean, was her considering where to cut herself when she took the knife to her skin. Not wanting to cut anywhere she hadn't already been sliced - well, that was a very shuddery moment.
And of course Vedis lived! ^_^ That didn't exactly hurt, either.
Lorenda's was fairly dreamy, as well. But in a much more positive way - which obviously also reflects the content of the scene. She woke up, was tired, and knew that at that moment she had an opportunity to take advantage of. So she did. :D Their moment together was so wonderful and sweet. Long-awaited, too. And it was nice to see Arundis, even in his weakened state, take the initiative in the second kiss. ^_^ (Also: in the first paragraph of this scene, Damaros and Ranara insist they'll be 'fun'… I think you meant 'fine,' there.)
In the last scene, it was a lot like watching Damaros from peripheral vision. Since, I suppose, that was really what Sasilyna was doing. Catching him from the corner of her eye and then more feeling him out than anything else. And it was an interesting sensation to have while reading. For a second I thought Damaros and her were going to come to blows, and that's good - because there is no way Sasilyna would forgive Damaros that fast. There is still a lot of ground to cover between them, and showing the uneasiness of their relationship was a good move. Very in-character. Also, of course, Damaros's dialogue was a good chance to hear from him and see how much he's grown through the story.
And I must expound on much I loved the last line. ^_^ That was hilarious and wonderful and really brought things together. Practically the whole story has been trying to reunite the sisters and now, of course, they're faced with the reality that - hey! Their world is totally different than it was before they left. Also, you did it in a funny way, which I always appreciate. Hee.
Writing people unlike yourself is always difficult, but I assure you you did well with Sasilyna. ^_^ And I get the idea that maybe you're not as inside some characters' heads as much as you'd like, or maybe you're even too much inside other characters' heads… Yeah, the idea that you have to love blood just because it's blood is kind of ridiculous and probably more based on survival and all than anything else. But could create a lot of drama for wonderful stories such as this.
This has been an excellent story, and you rounded it off in a very nice way. I have really enjoyed being a part of it.
3spikedmangoI like the chapter title you came up with! ^_^ Groups of three are always interesting.
The line about the soldiers and officers all being willing to cut off any mercy, well, that's a good line. It's another very war-ish line that hammers home the reality they're in. And every time I read over it I shiver a little. Sasilyna having the most energy was fitting indeed, and I loved being able to read 'both her sisters' again. And the idea of Vedis dying was still a gut-punch - good and emotional, obviously. (Also, I noticed that there's a sentence starting 'He was a necromancer' only the e in He is missing.)
Hello Yelanj! ^_^ It was good to hear from her with the battle over. (I keep seeing commercials for Merlin, with a dragon talking, that always make me think of Yelanj - since Merlin's dragon can speak perfectly.) I can only imagine how much it hurt for Sasilyna to ask her sister when she needed to … eat. But you put in some wonderful little details to give me as much of a sense as possible. Her likening Ranara's new fangs to the fangs of a viper, for one, and counseling herself on the state of her breathing (while noticing Ranara isn't, and won't be again) for another, really combined to form a good - if pained - picture of her emotional state at the moment.
The idea, also, that Lorenda (and Sasilyna herself, generally speaking) are in charge of Ranara - to an extent - is interesting. Because Ranara isn't capable of fully controlling herself yet and Damaros isn't in the best and most trustworthy of positions. Adjusting to Ranara's new state and combined with seeing her run off to feed really shows just how much emotional pressure Sasilyna is under. And goes a long way towards setting up her troubled state later in the chapter, when she does herself so much damage in her efforts to save Vedis.
Ranara's scene was wonderfully dark and eerie and even a little heartbreaking, which I'm sure you were aiming for. I really hadn't considered how people at large would react to her, er, transformation - I guess I wasn't thinking that far, or I was just concerned with the immediate group of characters, but, wow. That's going to make her transition back to regular society even more difficult, despite being able to go out in the sun as she is.
The way you described everything was great. It felt very much like we were shut off, pushed away from most of the setting and Lorenda especially. The tunnel vision Ranara was experiencing, the struggle she was having to keep herself focused, really came through here. And her nearly confronting the person she was feeding from - that was great. A moment where she could've given into darker urges and didn't. She just did what she had to do, she didn't torture him for what he'd done in the past as Willon might probably have done.
Even reading through again I was still so worried for Vedis. Broken ribs are a big, big deal. Plus the, you know, blood loss. And in this scene you could really see things start to crumble on Sasilyna. She's had so much on her shoulders for so long and seeing Vedis at this point was kind of like the straw that broke the camel's back. All of it came crashing down and she was willing to do anything to save someone, keep one more person from not dying. It was a very powerful moment, emotionally. (Also, in this scene, noticed Vedis was "loosing" blood - vs. losing.)
It was also kind of … dreamy. Sasilyna was focused in a different way than Ranara was, earlier, but still very focused and driven towards one point. Her observations really showed how much shock she was in. The detail that really stuck out to show that, I mean, was her considering where to cut herself when she took the knife to her skin. Not wanting to cut anywhere she hadn't already been sliced - well, that was a very shuddery moment.
And of course Vedis lived! ^_^ That didn't exactly hurt, either.
Lorenda's was fairly dreamy, as well. But in a much more positive way - which obviously also reflects the content of the scene. She woke up, was tired, and knew that at that moment she had an opportunity to take advantage of. So she did. :D Their moment together was so wonderful and sweet. Long-awaited, too. And it was nice to see Arundis, even in his weakened state, take the initiative in the second kiss. ^_^ (Also: in the first paragraph of this scene, Damaros and Ranara insist they'll be 'fun'… I think you meant 'fine,' there.)
In the last scene, it was a lot like watching Damaros from peripheral vision. Since, I suppose, that was really what Sasilyna was doing. Catching him from the corner of her eye and then more feeling him out than anything else. And it was an interesting sensation to have while reading. For a second I thought Damaros and her were going to come to blows, and that's good - because there is no way Sasilyna would forgive Damaros that fast. There is still a lot of ground to cover between them, and showing the uneasiness of their relationship was a good move. Very in-character. Also, of course, Damaros's dialogue was a good chance to hear from him and see how much he's grown through the story.
And I must expound on much I loved the last line. ^_^ That was hilarious and wonderful and really brought things together. Practically the whole story has been trying to reunite the sisters and now, of course, they're faced with the reality that - hey! Their world is totally different than it was before they left. Also, you did it in a funny way, which I always appreciate. Hee.
Writing people unlike yourself is always difficult, but I assure you you did well with Sasilyna. ^_^ And I get the idea that maybe you're not as inside some characters' heads as much as you'd like, or maybe you're even too much inside other characters' heads… Yeah, the idea that you have to love blood just because it's blood is kind of ridiculous and probably more based on survival and all than anything else. But could create a lot of drama for wonderful stories such as this.
This has been an excellent story, and you rounded it off in a very nice way. I have really enjoyed being a part of it.
7/18/2009 c41 spikedmango
I apologize deeply that it took so long to get this review out. I think it's been sitting nearly-finished on my computer for a while. And then when I would go to add more paragraphs I'd end up rereading the entire chapter. ^_^ I have definitely enjoyed this entire story and that doesn't change when I go back and revisit chapters.
The first line still grabs me. The whole first scene, though it was short, was very intense and put the reader right in Sasilyna's shoes. It was interesting how tunnel-vision I felt until the moment where Sasilyna herself suddenly had the other noises filter in.
And then switching to Rekem was interesting. It was a little like whiplash? Since Sasilyna's scene was so intense, and what-all is going on is so intense, that Rekem quietly climbing the stairs is almost startling. But it also gave a sense of drama building in the background while all his thoughts snapped into place. His scene was very purposeful, and wonderful at that, since this is in the heat of battle when every move everyone is making is aimed and deliberate.
Ranara's scene was a great way to give us a picture of what was going on. Since she was trapped in Willon's grip, she wasn't able to be an active participant as the others were, and she was perfect for giving us a toneful observation scene. It gave us quick, concrete images that flashed by like we were right there, caught in the whirlwind of activity like she was, and was a good way to give clues to things that were happening without us being able to determine exactly what was going on.
And, of course, Ranara herself wondering if she was about to die, even after all she's been through, was like a punch to the gut. Oh, and, Willon, Willon, Willon. Never underestimate your prisoners and never keep a dagger within their reach. Tsk tsk.
Lorenda's scene was interesting. Seeing her out of a more intellectual space and right on the battlefield: she did handle things intellectually, though, the first line about having to kill the demon very matter-of-fact and in character. Which, of course, is a good reflection of the calm she's trying to maintain so she can use her magic and keep her head in this situation. Of course, that just gave the quick movements of the battle all the more impact.
The scene with Sasilyna saving Rylan before everything gets totally out of control was a nice interlude. Just not because I liked seeing someone saved in the midst of a battle in a war which has killed so many, either. ;) It was a good "whip your head around" moment, and a good moment of almost-normal before everything erupted.
And, oh, Damaros. I was alternating between D: and :D throughout this entire chapter on him. I knew, of course, that he had good intentions and he had a Plan (with a capital P) the whole time, but it was still startling to witness it all unfold, since I didn't know the exact details and scope of the Plan. So seeing him realize "Oh hey I might need that gem" was a particularly gut-punching moment. All of his movements were very deliberate even though he was so rushed, and that was an interesting mix of impressions. (Although, most of the first paragraph of that scene seems to have repeated itself in your posting. And on that note - FicPress makes editing chapters a pain, doesn't it?)
Honestly, whenever I read the line about him stabbing Willon, I can't help a corner of my mind from shouting "Backbone achieved!" although he really got his backbone when he turned to follow Ranara into the castle and even when he broke out of the dungeon in the first place. That moment of him taking the knife to his brother is just a particularly loaded and vibrant image of the fact that he (echoing Ranara's own progress) has really grown up over the course of this story.
Rylan's scene, okay, I know it was only three paragraphs? But that's where I started tearing up. Because he can't really move and he doesn't have a hope of recovering from his predicament like Ranara did, and he has to sit there and have that moment of ohpleaseno when Willon breaks free and the rush of ohmygodwow when Sasilyna raised her cutlass. It was a good moment, to say the least.
AND, AND, YOU. You! And your conflicting - contradictions! I was all ready and psyched up to love Willon's death scene, because he was finally dead, and you throw in Lilith and make me falter and feel horrible for him. And then his desperate complex with impressing Ketil and living up to Ketil's memory. It was almost dreamlike, the way he died, and at the end I felt sort of exhausted (in a good way) because it was good. On one hand I was elated he'd been beaten, and on the other you've made me get to know him and know that he had a real psychology and… *sigh* He was truly a good villain.
That exhaustion panned into the next scene, which was also done well. Everything about that scene shows how much they just went through and they have every reason to be exhausted, themselves. So much has happened and they just did so much. The line about crushing them no matter what made me shudder - it was a very military line. Because I can't see any of Willon's still-devoted forces being the least bit trustworthy even under surrender. Seeing people dead and worrying about people being dead, too, tugged at the energy levels. I also like what you did with the last line of dialogue, I think it works better this way.
Well, this was a great chapter, and it took me too long to say so. It was well-crafted and was the culmination of so many moves they've been making throughout the story and so many things clicked into place here, it was just wonderful. It didn't just kill off the villain - it really moved them to a place where Sasilyna could move "to finish Ragnorak." Well done.
I apologize deeply that it took so long to get this review out. I think it's been sitting nearly-finished on my computer for a while. And then when I would go to add more paragraphs I'd end up rereading the entire chapter. ^_^ I have definitely enjoyed this entire story and that doesn't change when I go back and revisit chapters.
The first line still grabs me. The whole first scene, though it was short, was very intense and put the reader right in Sasilyna's shoes. It was interesting how tunnel-vision I felt until the moment where Sasilyna herself suddenly had the other noises filter in.
And then switching to Rekem was interesting. It was a little like whiplash? Since Sasilyna's scene was so intense, and what-all is going on is so intense, that Rekem quietly climbing the stairs is almost startling. But it also gave a sense of drama building in the background while all his thoughts snapped into place. His scene was very purposeful, and wonderful at that, since this is in the heat of battle when every move everyone is making is aimed and deliberate.
Ranara's scene was a great way to give us a picture of what was going on. Since she was trapped in Willon's grip, she wasn't able to be an active participant as the others were, and she was perfect for giving us a toneful observation scene. It gave us quick, concrete images that flashed by like we were right there, caught in the whirlwind of activity like she was, and was a good way to give clues to things that were happening without us being able to determine exactly what was going on.
And, of course, Ranara herself wondering if she was about to die, even after all she's been through, was like a punch to the gut. Oh, and, Willon, Willon, Willon. Never underestimate your prisoners and never keep a dagger within their reach. Tsk tsk.
Lorenda's scene was interesting. Seeing her out of a more intellectual space and right on the battlefield: she did handle things intellectually, though, the first line about having to kill the demon very matter-of-fact and in character. Which, of course, is a good reflection of the calm she's trying to maintain so she can use her magic and keep her head in this situation. Of course, that just gave the quick movements of the battle all the more impact.
The scene with Sasilyna saving Rylan before everything gets totally out of control was a nice interlude. Just not because I liked seeing someone saved in the midst of a battle in a war which has killed so many, either. ;) It was a good "whip your head around" moment, and a good moment of almost-normal before everything erupted.
And, oh, Damaros. I was alternating between D: and :D throughout this entire chapter on him. I knew, of course, that he had good intentions and he had a Plan (with a capital P) the whole time, but it was still startling to witness it all unfold, since I didn't know the exact details and scope of the Plan. So seeing him realize "Oh hey I might need that gem" was a particularly gut-punching moment. All of his movements were very deliberate even though he was so rushed, and that was an interesting mix of impressions. (Although, most of the first paragraph of that scene seems to have repeated itself in your posting. And on that note - FicPress makes editing chapters a pain, doesn't it?)
Honestly, whenever I read the line about him stabbing Willon, I can't help a corner of my mind from shouting "Backbone achieved!" although he really got his backbone when he turned to follow Ranara into the castle and even when he broke out of the dungeon in the first place. That moment of him taking the knife to his brother is just a particularly loaded and vibrant image of the fact that he (echoing Ranara's own progress) has really grown up over the course of this story.
Rylan's scene, okay, I know it was only three paragraphs? But that's where I started tearing up. Because he can't really move and he doesn't have a hope of recovering from his predicament like Ranara did, and he has to sit there and have that moment of ohpleaseno when Willon breaks free and the rush of ohmygodwow when Sasilyna raised her cutlass. It was a good moment, to say the least.
AND, AND, YOU. You! And your conflicting - contradictions! I was all ready and psyched up to love Willon's death scene, because he was finally dead, and you throw in Lilith and make me falter and feel horrible for him. And then his desperate complex with impressing Ketil and living up to Ketil's memory. It was almost dreamlike, the way he died, and at the end I felt sort of exhausted (in a good way) because it was good. On one hand I was elated he'd been beaten, and on the other you've made me get to know him and know that he had a real psychology and… *sigh* He was truly a good villain.
That exhaustion panned into the next scene, which was also done well. Everything about that scene shows how much they just went through and they have every reason to be exhausted, themselves. So much has happened and they just did so much. The line about crushing them no matter what made me shudder - it was a very military line. Because I can't see any of Willon's still-devoted forces being the least bit trustworthy even under surrender. Seeing people dead and worrying about people being dead, too, tugged at the energy levels. I also like what you did with the last line of dialogue, I think it works better this way.
Well, this was a great chapter, and it took me too long to say so. It was well-crafted and was the culmination of so many moves they've been making throughout the story and so many things clicked into place here, it was just wonderful. It didn't just kill off the villain - it really moved them to a place where Sasilyna could move "to finish Ragnorak." Well done.
7/3/2009 c1 2TwentyTawnyTigers
I love love love this fic! You write with a flowing grace that glues my eyes to the screen. I think that this is your best fic. I'm adding it and you to my favorites list.
2TwentyTawnyTigersI love love love this fic! You write with a flowing grace that glues my eyes to the screen. I think that this is your best fic. I'm adding it and you to my favorites list.
6/19/2009 c3 kcat
this is just my opinion, feel free to ignore it.
It's boring, it may get much less so later but I generally read a minimum of 3 chapters and if I actively dislike the fic by then I'll stop, if not I'll keep reading.
There's just absolutely nothing compelling about any of the characters, in fact it goes beyond that - I don't like most of them and they're annoying me. Your protagonist is such a child (but one who keeps stating that she's an adult and has earned everyone's respect etc) and I didn't like your way of setting the scene.
You just kept stating what you'd like to convey instead of actually conveying it, or doing it but in a painfully obvious way.
e.g when Lorenda is bowed to, you explained it(!) and it just made me cringe [the whole eating debate and people noticing Lorenda's maturity thing was also terrible! it was just so uneccessary and you don't need to state it, just show it! Plus it was a slightly ridiculous way of showing her to be mature.]
It may well get better and I might have lost the urge to strangle Sasilyna every time she thought but I just don't want to read any more and find out.
I am also aware that there is a 4 year gap between publishing and last update so it's likely that your writing style changes considerably over the fic and I've only read the oldest part.
this is just my opinion, feel free to ignore it.
It's boring, it may get much less so later but I generally read a minimum of 3 chapters and if I actively dislike the fic by then I'll stop, if not I'll keep reading.
There's just absolutely nothing compelling about any of the characters, in fact it goes beyond that - I don't like most of them and they're annoying me. Your protagonist is such a child (but one who keeps stating that she's an adult and has earned everyone's respect etc) and I didn't like your way of setting the scene.
You just kept stating what you'd like to convey instead of actually conveying it, or doing it but in a painfully obvious way.
e.g when Lorenda is bowed to, you explained it(!) and it just made me cringe [the whole eating debate and people noticing Lorenda's maturity thing was also terrible! it was just so uneccessary and you don't need to state it, just show it! Plus it was a slightly ridiculous way of showing her to be mature.]
It may well get better and I might have lost the urge to strangle Sasilyna every time she thought but I just don't want to read any more and find out.
I am also aware that there is a 4 year gap between publishing and last update so it's likely that your writing style changes considerably over the fic and I've only read the oldest part.
6/10/2009 c42 18Stephanie M. Moore
I just finished!
I must say that you have quite the epic here... this took about three days to read. Good news for you: I could barely tear myself away. A lot of times with longer stories here on FP, the plot tends to languish and the story loses its original purpose half way through, but you did an excellent job of keeping the reader's interest.
There were some errors... a few grammatical... and a few where I was just like "Wait... is that what she meant?" Overall, pretty clean draft, though. One thing I didn't catch the answer to: What was the elusive, secretive part of Rylan's past- his brother? I may have just missed that answer, but I was wondering.
It feels like at the beginning your main focus, the protagonist, was Sasilyna and her struggle to overcome her half-vampiric nature. You mention she struggles with bloodlust and then it just kind of goes away. In the last half, your focus seemed to reside with Renara; she became the more developed character. It just felt like you did not fully address Sasilyna's continued struggles.
Overall, very, very good. Best one I've read in a while. You had great characters, lots of funny moments, GREAT emotion, and a real sense for putting us in the story. In short, I loved it. (Btw, I loved Saul and Eerie... so glad you kept them.)
Great Job!
18Stephanie M. MooreI just finished!
I must say that you have quite the epic here... this took about three days to read. Good news for you: I could barely tear myself away. A lot of times with longer stories here on FP, the plot tends to languish and the story loses its original purpose half way through, but you did an excellent job of keeping the reader's interest.
There were some errors... a few grammatical... and a few where I was just like "Wait... is that what she meant?" Overall, pretty clean draft, though. One thing I didn't catch the answer to: What was the elusive, secretive part of Rylan's past- his brother? I may have just missed that answer, but I was wondering.
It feels like at the beginning your main focus, the protagonist, was Sasilyna and her struggle to overcome her half-vampiric nature. You mention she struggles with bloodlust and then it just kind of goes away. In the last half, your focus seemed to reside with Renara; she became the more developed character. It just felt like you did not fully address Sasilyna's continued struggles.
Overall, very, very good. Best one I've read in a while. You had great characters, lots of funny moments, GREAT emotion, and a real sense for putting us in the story. In short, I loved it. (Btw, I loved Saul and Eerie... so glad you kept them.)
Great Job!
6/2/2009 c43 21Faith Adeline
Wow, great way to end it. I loved it. I can't really believe it's over! Great job, hun (:
Faith
21Faith AdelineWow, great way to end it. I loved it. I can't really believe it's over! Great job, hun (:
Faith
5/29/2009 c4 5anti-climax
Oh, that's an interesting twist, having the three main characters as vampire-human hybrids. Perhaps that is why they're all quite gifted in their respective fields?
I have to confess though that I found the revelation somewhat less dramatic than I would have expected, especially considering the fact that this has to do with Sasilyna and her sisters' heritage and the fact that their own killed their mother, who Sasilyna seemed very attached to in chapter 1. She came to terms with the truth quite easily when I imagine others would have vehemently denied it initially.
'A Vampire now was amongst them, one that had killed Tomen Fi’Gald and his wife.'
Wasn't it Tomen who was just sharing with Sasilyna the truth about her heritage?
Anyway, good chapter again and great work!
5anti-climaxOh, that's an interesting twist, having the three main characters as vampire-human hybrids. Perhaps that is why they're all quite gifted in their respective fields?
I have to confess though that I found the revelation somewhat less dramatic than I would have expected, especially considering the fact that this has to do with Sasilyna and her sisters' heritage and the fact that their own killed their mother, who Sasilyna seemed very attached to in chapter 1. She came to terms with the truth quite easily when I imagine others would have vehemently denied it initially.
'A Vampire now was amongst them, one that had killed Tomen Fi’Gald and his wife.'
Wasn't it Tomen who was just sharing with Sasilyna the truth about her heritage?
Anyway, good chapter again and great work!
5/27/2009 c3 anti-climax
Fantastic story. It's been some time since I've read something which was this thoroughly engaging and entertaining, with interesting characters and a well-detailed background.
Regretfully I don't have much time at the moment, so I'll be adding you to my favorites list to keep track of this :)
Fantastic story. It's been some time since I've read something which was this thoroughly engaging and entertaining, with interesting characters and a well-detailed background.
Regretfully I don't have much time at the moment, so I'll be adding you to my favorites list to keep track of this :)
3/13/2009 c41 21Faith Adeline
Great job! I'm so glad Willon is dead. Yay! haha. Loved the fight. I hope Damaros is alright. Keep it up and update soon!
Faith
21Faith AdelineGreat job! I'm so glad Willon is dead. Yay! haha. Loved the fight. I hope Damaros is alright. Keep it up and update soon!
Faith
1/31/2009 c40 3spikedmango
The chapter title you ended up choosing was intriguing. I think it really connected with the risks being taken in the chapter. The way you described Sasilyna's confusion, that she didn't feel like herself - but most specifically, didn't feel like the strongest aspects of her self - showed really well how sharply this whole situation is cutting at her. Separating 'Magyrn's body… fortress?' was a nice little punch, too.
Reading the whole scene I just get the strong sense that Sasilyna's really torn up inside, which makes her progress in the mission all the more impressive. When you listed all the names, throwing them in with her observations, crescendo-ing with Ranara, it felt like she was really steeling herself with them, using them to push herself forward. The scene was really nice, showing that even such a strong character has her weak moments (emotionally), but still stayed in character, still able to lead her contingent through the fortress.
Going through Damaros half-revealing the plan to Ranara again… made me shiver. He sounds (of course) very ominous and, scarily enough, not one hundred percent confident that it's going to work. The line at the end capped off the scene well, captured his ambivalence about the whole thing.
Rylan's narration of the fight through the corridors was striking. You are very good at organizing and laying out battle scenes. Oftentimes, reading other stories, the descriptions of the battle are hazy, hard to understand, but I can picture all the little skirmishes in yours. You throw enough descriptive language in to keep a sense of the physicality, not just the action-moves, but the sounds and scents and state of the current narrator. Even though their numbers had been so harshly reduced I could get a sense of how smart and strong their forces were, and how they were managing to get through Willon's men. And then… gah.
Not that I could see how it would've been much different if Sasilyna had waited for people to come out with her rather than just charging. And after the emotional scene she had, it makes sense that she'd burst out without waiting on anybody. I just kept picturing someone hitting her with an arrow.
While I know Damaros is very clever, I do not like his current plan - simply because I don't know exactly what he's doing, and it's scary. Even re-reading the part where Rylan sees him standing there with Ranara and Willon, I held my breath. It's still scary, no matter how many times I reread it. Keeping us in such dark is mean! Of course, though, that's exactly what makes the tableau so frightening, and having Rylan's observation before we find out how it occurred only heightens the scare-factor when we actually watch Damaros doing whatever the hell it is he thinks he's doing.
On a side note and veering slightly off topic, I like how you described Willon's scent. The decay to it (russ, moss, moldy hay) just, well, glares off his character. It's an interesting and rich little detail thrown in with everything else.
Ranara's franticness when confronted with Willon was well-communicated. I pictured her squirming the entire time. The comment on her hunger only added to that. She's so lost, has no idea what's going on. And she's hungry. That just showed a little slip of desperation, and maybe hearkened back to when Willon kept her hungry. *shiver*
I think the way you handled Willon was brilliant - 'Because you are my brother, you have two minutes' just struck me upside the head. Damaros's outburst that none of them were family anymore, contrasted with Willon's twisted view of them - well, it made Willon seem even creepier than usual. And stupid, since Damaros isn't acting like the subservient little brother Willon's always had; he won't kneel, and he threatened to turn the entire thing back on him. It must be ego that's keeping Willon from seeing the change. He can't imagine someone he's controlled so well for so long would trick him.
(For some reason there was a section of broken HTML after the line break and before your author's note?)
Five years! I glanced up at the top and I was startled to see it'd been so long. I went back to find my first review, and besides being horrified at seeing my five-year-younger self (oh my God I'm turning twenty in about 15 days), I was just really impressed with how epic this whole story is. And it's both exciting and scary to think we're going to see the end of it. I love the whole world you've created, and the way you've developed your cast of characters so strongly. I want to see how it all ends, but I know knowing it's done is going to make me cry, heh. I'm glad for whatever help I've been able to lend, because this story deserves to be told.
The chapter was a wonderful one, very dramatic and everything funneled into making that last scene so suspenseful and frightening. I'm eagerly awaiting the next one, whenever you're ready to send it off to me.
3spikedmangoThe chapter title you ended up choosing was intriguing. I think it really connected with the risks being taken in the chapter. The way you described Sasilyna's confusion, that she didn't feel like herself - but most specifically, didn't feel like the strongest aspects of her self - showed really well how sharply this whole situation is cutting at her. Separating 'Magyrn's body… fortress?' was a nice little punch, too.
Reading the whole scene I just get the strong sense that Sasilyna's really torn up inside, which makes her progress in the mission all the more impressive. When you listed all the names, throwing them in with her observations, crescendo-ing with Ranara, it felt like she was really steeling herself with them, using them to push herself forward. The scene was really nice, showing that even such a strong character has her weak moments (emotionally), but still stayed in character, still able to lead her contingent through the fortress.
Going through Damaros half-revealing the plan to Ranara again… made me shiver. He sounds (of course) very ominous and, scarily enough, not one hundred percent confident that it's going to work. The line at the end capped off the scene well, captured his ambivalence about the whole thing.
Rylan's narration of the fight through the corridors was striking. You are very good at organizing and laying out battle scenes. Oftentimes, reading other stories, the descriptions of the battle are hazy, hard to understand, but I can picture all the little skirmishes in yours. You throw enough descriptive language in to keep a sense of the physicality, not just the action-moves, but the sounds and scents and state of the current narrator. Even though their numbers had been so harshly reduced I could get a sense of how smart and strong their forces were, and how they were managing to get through Willon's men. And then… gah.
Not that I could see how it would've been much different if Sasilyna had waited for people to come out with her rather than just charging. And after the emotional scene she had, it makes sense that she'd burst out without waiting on anybody. I just kept picturing someone hitting her with an arrow.
While I know Damaros is very clever, I do not like his current plan - simply because I don't know exactly what he's doing, and it's scary. Even re-reading the part where Rylan sees him standing there with Ranara and Willon, I held my breath. It's still scary, no matter how many times I reread it. Keeping us in such dark is mean! Of course, though, that's exactly what makes the tableau so frightening, and having Rylan's observation before we find out how it occurred only heightens the scare-factor when we actually watch Damaros doing whatever the hell it is he thinks he's doing.
On a side note and veering slightly off topic, I like how you described Willon's scent. The decay to it (russ, moss, moldy hay) just, well, glares off his character. It's an interesting and rich little detail thrown in with everything else.
Ranara's franticness when confronted with Willon was well-communicated. I pictured her squirming the entire time. The comment on her hunger only added to that. She's so lost, has no idea what's going on. And she's hungry. That just showed a little slip of desperation, and maybe hearkened back to when Willon kept her hungry. *shiver*
I think the way you handled Willon was brilliant - 'Because you are my brother, you have two minutes' just struck me upside the head. Damaros's outburst that none of them were family anymore, contrasted with Willon's twisted view of them - well, it made Willon seem even creepier than usual. And stupid, since Damaros isn't acting like the subservient little brother Willon's always had; he won't kneel, and he threatened to turn the entire thing back on him. It must be ego that's keeping Willon from seeing the change. He can't imagine someone he's controlled so well for so long would trick him.
(For some reason there was a section of broken HTML after the line break and before your author's note?)
Five years! I glanced up at the top and I was startled to see it'd been so long. I went back to find my first review, and besides being horrified at seeing my five-year-younger self (oh my God I'm turning twenty in about 15 days), I was just really impressed with how epic this whole story is. And it's both exciting and scary to think we're going to see the end of it. I love the whole world you've created, and the way you've developed your cast of characters so strongly. I want to see how it all ends, but I know knowing it's done is going to make me cry, heh. I'm glad for whatever help I've been able to lend, because this story deserves to be told.
The chapter was a wonderful one, very dramatic and everything funneled into making that last scene so suspenseful and frightening. I'm eagerly awaiting the next one, whenever you're ready to send it off to me.