for Kakusareta Daiyomondo Hidden Diamond6/21/2004 c2 aspiring author
hi, I'm too lazy to log in.
LOVE your story! Very cute. Did you say there is a manga about it? As in pictures? Is it online? Can I see it?
PLEASE RREVIEW MY STORIES! I havn't gotten any in Ages and I need some ego boosting! [*tries to imitate Ade's evil face*]
*teehee*,
aspiring author
hi, I'm too lazy to log in.
LOVE your story! Very cute. Did you say there is a manga about it? As in pictures? Is it online? Can I see it?
PLEASE RREVIEW MY STORIES! I havn't gotten any in Ages and I need some ego boosting! [*tries to imitate Ade's evil face*]
*teehee*,
aspiring author
6/19/2004 c2 Natty Kat
O.o; weirdo. You are STILL mistyping! ^.~ and thanks for reviewing my story! :p Talk to ya soon!
O.o; weirdo. You are STILL mistyping! ^.~ and thanks for reviewing my story! :p Talk to ya soon!
6/19/2004 c2 
10chibi-jinx
oh my gosh. that was weird...but interesting. I love your characters...but I'm just um...in shock...that was different.
And so we're moving along...and Masa and Ade are like complete opposites...but still best friends. Pretty cool, cuz it'll make things more interesting for sure.
Good luck with your writing and keep this coming. It's really funny
10chibi-jinxoh my gosh. that was weird...but interesting. I love your characters...but I'm just um...in shock...that was different.
And so we're moving along...and Masa and Ade are like complete opposites...but still best friends. Pretty cool, cuz it'll make things more interesting for sure.
Good luck with your writing and keep this coming. It's really funny
6/3/2004 c1 25narikaival
That was pretty good, but there were several spelling and grammar mistakes, but hay nobody's perfect! Keep up the good work!
25narikaivalThat was pretty good, but there were several spelling and grammar mistakes, but hay nobody's perfect! Keep up the good work!
6/2/2004 c1 10chibi-jinx
haha. that was great. nice beginning, but you didn't develop it enough. you need to explain more in depth about the boys and the necklace as you go. but there's the problem of having so much dialogue and not enough action, if you can understand that. and by the way, i'm not saying this to be mean, as so absolutely love this story. it's really great, the plot line sounds awesome, tho it isn't well developed, and the characters, tho their personalities could be explained a little more. I assume that ade is a happy-go-lucky type, and masa is pretty much the opposite, rather moody it seems. and i'd say that the new student is rather laid-back, BUT i'm not sure because their characters are a tad undeveloped.
now, this could be due to the fact that it is the first chapter. after all, not everything can be explained in one chapter, am i right? (unless it's a one-shot, and this is obviously not).
my suggestion to you is:
one- continue this story, because even tho I'm sure you hate me for my nice so-called "constructive" critism, like I said...it's wonderful.
two- try to write down the details that go thru your head as you are writing. I know you're sitting there, understanding your characters and the plot line, and I'm sure you love it, but after you write this (like the first chapter is) try going back and putting a little detail about what is happening in there.
like when ade finds the diamond thing-you never said if he did anything with it... You could have done something like having him pick it up and start to wonder about it, and maybe remembering having seen one of the people from that mysterious family wearing it. and then he could have picked it up and put it in his pockets. then if you REALLY wanted to develop it a bit, you could go on to say what his clothes were like-and how something weird and ominous happened, like the wind picked up, ruffling his blue hair, and sending an icy chill up his spine.
okay...so i'm done with my ranting, and i pray i haven't offened you too much, or made myself sound like too much of an ass. i've just been writing all my life, and i'm very analitical (but i can't spell). i study writer's techniques and learn from them, and that's why i try to offer advice, hopefully not insulting the person recieving it.
anyway, i'm gonna bookmark this, cuz it's awesome, and i hope i didn't discourage you, because that has happened before (*cries* i didn't mean to!)
byes
jinny
10chibi-jinxhaha. that was great. nice beginning, but you didn't develop it enough. you need to explain more in depth about the boys and the necklace as you go. but there's the problem of having so much dialogue and not enough action, if you can understand that. and by the way, i'm not saying this to be mean, as so absolutely love this story. it's really great, the plot line sounds awesome, tho it isn't well developed, and the characters, tho their personalities could be explained a little more. I assume that ade is a happy-go-lucky type, and masa is pretty much the opposite, rather moody it seems. and i'd say that the new student is rather laid-back, BUT i'm not sure because their characters are a tad undeveloped.
now, this could be due to the fact that it is the first chapter. after all, not everything can be explained in one chapter, am i right? (unless it's a one-shot, and this is obviously not).
my suggestion to you is:
one- continue this story, because even tho I'm sure you hate me for my nice so-called "constructive" critism, like I said...it's wonderful.
two- try to write down the details that go thru your head as you are writing. I know you're sitting there, understanding your characters and the plot line, and I'm sure you love it, but after you write this (like the first chapter is) try going back and putting a little detail about what is happening in there.
like when ade finds the diamond thing-you never said if he did anything with it... You could have done something like having him pick it up and start to wonder about it, and maybe remembering having seen one of the people from that mysterious family wearing it. and then he could have picked it up and put it in his pockets. then if you REALLY wanted to develop it a bit, you could go on to say what his clothes were like-and how something weird and ominous happened, like the wind picked up, ruffling his blue hair, and sending an icy chill up his spine.
okay...so i'm done with my ranting, and i pray i haven't offened you too much, or made myself sound like too much of an ass. i've just been writing all my life, and i'm very analitical (but i can't spell). i study writer's techniques and learn from them, and that's why i try to offer advice, hopefully not insulting the person recieving it.
anyway, i'm gonna bookmark this, cuz it's awesome, and i hope i didn't discourage you, because that has happened before (*cries* i didn't mean to!)
byes
jinny